Contemplations

The best love in the world

2008-10-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

I was compelled to write a new blog because of my rediculously long absence from Blogger.com since, well, July i think. I've since been married, honeymooned, and away from my wife for the first time since 1 1/2 solid months together. Times are changing, bodies are learning new sensations, and understanding and insight is expanding like never before.

An entirely new relationship is mine to 'have and hold' now for the rest of my life, and i am also an addressee of the Bible which i have not been before. All this is incidental to me now as a husband.

I have made one choice that leads to hundreds more life-changing choices. I never saw this coming, for i only saw the one door that led to all the other doors. They said i would be ready when i got here. I guess the best i can say for myself that i am ready to be ready.

God has been convicting me to the uttermost what all it means now to be a husband. No more interests in girls, that's for sure, and every interest in me whittled down to one - my wife. I have to grow in love for people (toward this one first); i have to love others as i am loved (starting with this one); i have to be true in my relationships (starting with this one); i have to be virtuous and not vicious in all my dealings (starting with her) i want God to hear and care for my prayers (a reward for my listening and caring for my wife first).

The marital relationship is a conduit of one's true self. The good, bad and ugly show up in marriage life and become evident to the conscience, and hopefully the negatives are corrected because of the influence of conscience before they fester and boil over into the other partner's life and heart.

An axiom carried along in some mechanics' minds is that 'everything affects everything.' Everything has a result somewhere. From the pace you walked this morning to work to the food you ate or didn't eat tonight, elements of your life have been affected.

The words written in my journal, the thought i had just now, the places my eyes looked yesterday in Toronto... those affect me even now in some fashion. The marriage part of 'everthing' is being affected too.

My past presuppositions, expectations and dreams, and my present contemplations and actions are not without impact to this propeller of marriage. The premise of marriage is easy; each person's job is to be as a propeller turning to keep the relationship, which is like an aircraft, going straight forward in flight. So long as both propellers are turning with the same power, the machine is smooth and happy. But like an engine, everything affects everything, and the result shows up on the propeller. Bump the power lever; change the fuel; drain the oil; ice over the intakes; extend the inertial separators; disconnect a wire; lenthen an adjusting screw... the variables are endless. Each of those changes initiates a chain reaction which ends at the propeller turning faster or slower than normal.

All our human frailities with which we were born manifest themselves in the failures, poor habits, personality weaknesses and flaws, spiritual undisciplines and compulsions and make up the total package of 'you' and 'me.' When we marry, all those things are coming into the union and affect the marriage itself. Don't tell me that there is a perfect marriage or perfect couple because no one is perfect, no not one. All have missed the mark which our Creator desires for us to reach. Only through Him can a marriage endure through the turbulence of outside tribulations and the inside, hostile environment of human hearts.

When it comes to loving my neighbor as i am loved... i can never match God's standards. This is deeply convicting because my love, i know, is certainly often corrupted by my human frailties and vices, even without my knowing it. Judgment passed on me due to my love would be dire indeed; but sometimes, knowing this is okay, though, because by my failures and depravity i see a more wonderful contrast that is the glorious love of God.

I sat down today and meditated for awhile on Romans 4:25. It says, simply, "Who was delivered up because of our offenses, and was raised because of our justification."

This is a portrait of complete, intentional love. For a world that wants to sin...a world that wants to oust the rules, judgement and love of God... unto this world Christ came for to save. Our offenses sent Him to the cross; God was compelled of Himself to lay down His own life for our iniquities.

Then look what He did next... He raised up from the dead so He could prove that He has power to remove our sins from us and if we allow Him, what he will do next is proclaim our innocence. He not only died to take away our sins, but He also came back to life so He could victoriously display you and me as innocent creatures. That is love, my friend.

Unlikely passage about marriage

2008-07-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Since marriage has become all the rage this summer with my sister getting married, and me getting married, my mind has been in a very sensitive, highly associative marriage-mode. Just about everything i look at reminds me of marriage somehow. Yeah, even food reminds me of marriage; how else can a guy get good food everyday unless he's married (especially to a chef like Charisma)?
I was contemplating again about marriage just now, and a reminder came (i believe placed the Holy Spirit) of what i read yesterday from Matthew 18:

v18 - Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:
and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

At the altar in front of God and man, and on the marriage bed in front of God and each other, there is a binding covenant made which speaks of everlasting care and closeness between a married couple. A marriage license is written on earth; the same is written in Heaven. All of heaven and earth permits and demands that a married couple protect, provide for and pleasure each other in the same manner that God through Christ relates to us.

This is not the end of the lessons we can draw from this passage in Matthew 18:

v19 - Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask,
it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Consider, then, the power of praying and soul-knit couples. Married people should aspire to grow together and humbler spiritually because God calls upon two people to ask (call for, beg, crave, desire) conjunctively before he will make a move for them. In marriage, we have perpetual, interested attention from God whilst we are in agreement together.

The remainder of the chapter also summoned me to consider what else comes with marriage: compassion and forgiveness. All the books say, and i've learned by experience, that marriage is the proving and growing grounds of one's compassion and forgiveness toward another human being. God is very attune to spouses' sensitivity towards each other, and especially a husband's sensitivity towards his wife (see 1 Peter 3:7). This is a very serious point. Our salvation is based on God's forgiveness through the sacrifice of His own innocent Son, Jesus. So if we fail and refuse to blanket this forgiveness to others, we are mocking the sacrifice of Christ, saying that more compassion and forgiveness is required of us than what was required for ourselves. We're playing the part of the holier-than-thou hypocrite, and nobody --nobody -- is holier or more innocent than anyone else. What differentiates us is our attitude towards God of "Thy will be done" or "My will be done."
The Matthew 18:21-35 passage is the whole parable, but here is the crux:

v. 22 - Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant,
even as I had pity on thee?

That's not what i want to hear when I see my Father in Heaven! Yet I confess that, more every day, I merit a herem over my head rather than a halo on this point alone.
Marriage is a grand opportunity to realize who we are in God's perspective: we are the pure, lovely bride of Christ untainted by our sin because those are all washed away. He has infinite compassion on us because He is the infinite and eternal YHWH. He bathes us in His righteousness, and marriage is a chance to show another human being what it looks and feels like to be bathed in righteousness. It also tests our humility and servitude (Philippians 2:4-8) because by no other means can we have compassion on others as God has had compassion on us.
Thank God for marriage, which calls for us to live victoriously, or to fail miserably, in our appreciation of God's love, care, compassion and forgiveness toward us.

post-script:
My prayer is that Philippians 2:4 and Matthew 18:22 will be real for me in my future days.

A thought about Charisma.

2008-07-01T16:51:00.001-07:00

Every now and then i have an especially good thought about Charisma that i want to keep locked up somewhere before the 'little love-distracting foxes' come and invade.
This thought came while reading a book:
"I should take each day as a chance to win Charisma's heart again."
This is what women want... Women want to be wanted, cherished and understood. They also want to wrap up their beloved in their love to warm, nurture and care for him.
Sometimes cherishing a woman and trying to understand her is a forced exercise, but God tells us to do it (probably because that is not in a guy's nature; we are not told to sin and that's what we do best). For the man who is willing and disciplined are earned many rewards. Seeing Charisma happy delights my heart, and I feel her happiness and interesting-ness. I need to selflessly give of myself to her - which is what she wants, and what God tells me to do - and through that giving comes a happy long-term relationship (i suppose so; i'm not there yet!).
I have only one life to live, and this life i now live I do live by the grace of God because that life could have ended several times over by now! What a noble honor to live so someone else can have a better journey through life...

Moving along

2008-06-30T19:30:00.001-07:00

I've been stuck in Peachtree City, Georgia for the last week and a half. just sitting here. yeah. doing everything other than flying... wedding planning, extra sleep, more writing, studying to renew my CFI license, and working out more.
i visited a good friend in Greenville, SC over the weekend-- Robbie Heindl and his sweet wife Megan. I slept over at their place Saturday and followed them to church, then to Robbie's parents' house for lunch, then took a nice afternoon nap, then played Wii Mario Cart and ended the night with pizza.
The drive back to Peachtree City was interesting. I got lost (didn't have a map) and met a homeless guy to whom i gave granola bars, leftover pizza, beef jerky, 4 pair of socks and a single quarter. it was neat because i had brought my laundry over to Robbie's to get washed, and there i was with an opportunity to give that clean laundry away to someone who needs it more than i.
i'm gettin up tomorrow morning to fly to Groton, Connecticut (KGON) in hopes of actually putting in some aerial surveillance time. so i gotta go to bed now and get my beauty sleep.

Five-minute update

2008-06-26T14:55:00.001-07:00

So i got this idea today.
why not take just 5 minute bites of time to spend on things that i really want to get done during the day? so often i get busy on some task and let go of my wish-list of things i want to accomplish during the day. but that very task i concentrate on is subject to lots of distractions, so many sometimes that i don't find myself even finishing it after a huge investment of time! so what about taking smaller, more focused bits of time to do more things? how much time? maybe 5 minutes. sounds good.
so i want to blog more. how much can i write in 5 minutes? enough to summarize the day and pick out an interesting thought in my head.
so i want to study KingAir procedures and systems more. over a week's time, i can study and keep a lot in my teeny brain if i only study consistently.
pushups?
writing to Charisma?
praying?

consistency is really the key.
ok, 5 minutes is up! bye!

Mumbling on matrimony

2008-06-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

Five weeks.
Five days.

On the scale of a lifetime, that length of time is only a blink of an eye away.
It seemed to happen all in an instant - meeting, proposal, planning. The next blink of an eye will be her fingertips grasping a golden ring and slipping it onto my finger in the presence of our friends, family and our Lord.

Married.

The idea is hard to process when i'm so close up to it. It's like looking at a planet from a telescope and analyzing it and thinking I know it, then I fly up to it til it's so close and large that it fills my whole view. Then I feel overwhelmed and mesmerized in that I really didn't see it for what it is until I got so close. I'm attached to my old perspective and almost want the old perspective back because back then i could get filled with romantic feelings then leave my telescope and do something else.
Just as we can make celestial bodies something they are not because we are so far away, so can we bachelors/ettes make marriage something they are not because we just are not there yet.
One must obtain a rite of passage, and a fuel for the fire, and a last-chance-to-abort countdown and a blast-off.
I'm discovering at this moment that marriage is very much like space travel, can you tell?

As one breaks through the 'atmosphere' of bachelorhood -earth - the rules fall away and one is free to roam and explore all these new unrestrained dimensions.
Likewise, once the momentum builds up you keep going...and going. This journey cannot be retried.
Situations have to be dealt with and resolved.
The only way off the ship is death.

I think that guys and girls differ so much on their expectations of marriage. Girls know from the start that 'this lifestyle and this guy is all i ever wanted!' guys, on the other hand, we're kinda narrow-minded. we short-change ourselves by looking forward to that short space of time that may or may not happen overnight, and and wrestle with our selfish desires to keep stuff to ourselves like money, space and time. but the more virtuous side of a guy will be a reminder of the really, really great things to look forward to in marriage...

>he only has to go out and do what he does every day at work. then come home to a sweet lady who's been cleaning his house, cooking his dinner, striving to keep herself cheery all day so he can feel that his world is really alright.
>he gets to go to sleep and is entrusted this precious human body to hold onto and keep safe
>of all the dumb things a guy can do, there will be somebody to always respect him...his wife
>even when his care for life and himself fails, she will keep caring.
>she creates a home to surround him, and she makes a home for him inside her heart too.

marriage will unveil the weaknesses and weirdness of each individual, but one can find great contentment in realizing that through marriage we can sample a bit of heaven, as well as increase our longing for God and ultimately to make our eternal home with Him.

back to writing..maybe

2008-06-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

this is the place where i've dumped the weights of my conscience, processed problems and made sense of my world. but this place i've quite let alone for awhile, and there is a big, unfillable void between that time and now. there is no use catching up. catching up on six months is hard to do.
Paul recommended a very noble practice to keep one's sanity: "forgetting what is past and reaching forward to those things which are ahead..." writing contributes to that too because, with the art of the written word, my mind relaxes and enjoys refreshment from thoughts that have just lay here for awhile. Issues need to be processed and resolved and then really forgotten and moved beyond.
In our minds we take the tangible 'matter' of life and make an 'issue' out of it in such a way that is silly and unnecessary. If only matter stayed as matter in the ways we regard it, we could move past it, like walking from one street to the next.
a blog is for rambling.
i'm wanting to go to bed soon. because i can. I'm on a project! yay! i get to take some much-needed alone time to unwind and rest and, perhaps most importantly, make some extra money and get flight time along the way. Now, if my fiancee is reading this she's probably thinking 'much needed alone time?!' , as if being alone suddenly became something i need since being with her. Well, i'm fortunate that she also understands that an introvert needs to sit alone after awhile and listen to concertos and write and not hear any other human voice. Perhaps one of marriage's greatest challenges will be adjusting to being a round the clock people-person. More specifically, a her-person. But i've become keenly aware of my occasional need for quietness, motionlessness, stillness, serenity. Simply sitting here staring at letters lining up in file across the screen is therapeutic. And by virtue of the fact that i have not done this for awhile.

California days

2008-01-24T15:17:00.000-08:00

When Charisma and I talk about my job, we agree that sometimes it's not as tough as many other jobs even though they pay less than my own. She likes to poke fun at me a little that she feels "so bad!" for me because i'm spending a weekday alone in a comfortable hotel room reading a book or pecking blogs and letters on the keyboard...and getting payed for it. For example: presently, i am writing a blog at 3 in the afternoon on Thursday when i ought to be out flying and helping transform millions of dollars of client resources into a marketable product in the form of aerial photos. However, a low pressure system is sitting next to the Pacific coast and transferring moisture to the sky above us on a day-by-day basis. The weather is... bleak. So what's a captain, his first officer (yours truly) and three clients to do? Sleep in, go to breakfast together, have a late lunch at In-N-Out Burger, and take a nap in the afternoon as we await our next endeavor out to eat. No flying means hangout time for the guys, wedding planning with Charisma, and free time for me to sit and type away at my computer in peace and quiet, and to enjoy the nourishment of my delicious and frothy In-N-Out chocolate milkshake.
Did i mention i'm getting paid for this too? 8 hours a day plus the best per diem of any project yet: $61
I do feel guilty now because I know that my beloved is working for $6.50 an hour for 6-8 hours a day, and i'm here making free money, and lots of it for doing what's only fun and enjoyable. Charisma acknowledges that I worked hard in school for this, so that redeems my conscience ;-)
---
The proejct The project i'm working on this week involves flying our camera-equipment-outfitted KingAir 80R over a certain military base in California. (A lot of what we do at Dynamic is confidential until the customer authorizes us to publicly announce where we are and what we're here for, so i can't say anything besides generalizations.) The mission should take only about 11 hours to complete once we get there, but right now the weather isn't permitting us to even get out there and do anything profitable. So we've been stuck here in Salinas doing some calibration and experimental flights and hanging out with each other. Now, we have profited from the time to some extent. Tom Anderson (Captain) and i programmed our GPS with 96 GPS points between which we'll fly for our photo shoots. We've also familiarized ourselves with the customer's pilot display which tells us where we are and the area that the cameras have captured along the sortie (mission). Hopefully i'll get an update on here or on Facebook when we finally have gone on a sortie.
---
I'm simply relishing my time in California! Despite the overcast and rainy weather, the mountainous terrain and fertile land gives me the impression of an Edenic environment, while the proximity to the coast makes me feel in some exotic little place on the country. From the air, this area is particularly gorgeous. The sun glistens off the rippling sheet of the Pacific ocean water, and the craggy coast accents the lovely teal waters hugging broad, white beaches. I hope to drive out to the beach for an afternoon getaway (and make sure to get my seashell this time), but for now i'm appreciating my privileged position from 3,000 feet up.
The acclaimed California restaurant In-N-Out Burger is a mile from our hotel, and it's just as good as advertised! It's a unique burger joint in that everything is fresh and never frozen before it's cooked and served. They slice up raw potatoes into fry-sizes with a special hand-operated machine and cook them in trans-fat- and cholesterol-free oil and sell the product for $1.20, so i felt good about eating restaurant fries for once. Even their sandwich bread is preservative-free. and the chocolate shake i'm still sipping on is SO good!

more later on my little vacation in California!

What three years can bring...

2008-01-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

This entry (probably published two years ago), reflects where i was in 2005, as I, a young college graduate, attempted to get my feet on the ground and find where God was leading me.
It's hard to beleive that all this happened so recently, yet i do feel eons away from it all. Life is so different now. It's a great reminder of the transformational power of God's grace.

January, 2006:
As the earth previously passed this point in orbit, I had this to look forward to:

Early January 2005: I believe i've spent my last days living in Bloomington

January 17: Glad to escape Longview for 28 hours, visited Brandon and Heather in Plano; watched a movie, slept over at Brandon's aunt's house, ate half a quiche

January 19 and later: One word--- Kelli. Still dealing with the "desert" of our friendship. She double-minded-- sometimes charmed, sometimes complacent when it comes to me--me, confused and unwilling to give up on the relationship. Brandon's opinion of her: "Daughter of a syphelitic camel." That relationship still traumatizes me today, as i fear i am probably repeating my mistake of forcing a relationship to any ends. if it doesn't come naturally and "without hassle (as Usen wisely declares)", is it really worth having?

January 28: "You're in." To Alaska, that is. Dwayne King met us guys interested in going to Alaska for what sounded like a career but ended up being just a summer. We had ice cream at LeTourneau University's President's home, looked at pictures and discussed our little mission up there. The details of the plan were not carried out in reality, but as I discovered in my time up there, plans were indeed made for the purpose of getting broken.

February: big month spiritually. Journal on the topics of security, personal worth, failure, discouragement, kindness, thanksgiving, God's beauty, will and Word.
February 17: Provide piano music for our school's Etiquette Banquet at Pinecrest Country Club. Receive many compliments and praises from among the 150 who attended the banquet.

March 5: Day of The Ride. Pedal my bike from school to the Texas/Louisiana border. By the day's end, got a picture of my bike and I by Louisiana's state sign and had 100 miles on my trip meter.

March 8: recruited as Mr. Foulk's carbs lab grader and lab assistant

March 10-20: visit Egypt, Sanai, Israel and Jordan and everywhere in between. Wrote 23 typewritten, 11-font, single-spaced pages of journals from that trip.

March 29: "No more arduous hours in the simulator! No more cramming! No more restless nights! No more burden!" I am donned Flight Instructor at 2:30 in the afternoon

April: journal on themes of loving others, living such that beautifies the gospel, death, time with God, truth and...girls.

April 3: write year's first letter to my future, unknown wife

April 6: mom accidentally overdosed our cat Peanut on tranquilizer, and he died.

April 8: Nancy Ortiz, a bright young student loved by all who knew her, died of a fatal disease. See my last Hootenanny as a student at LU.

April 13: Greg Buchanan, our favorite harpist in the world, visits again and inspires 2 1/2 pages of journal reflections.

April 15-16: take my aviation mechanic's practical test and pass. the test was overrated.

April 23: see Ginny Owens in concert

May 2: begin last Finals Week-so i pray!- at LeTu.

May 4: memorize 1,000 multiple-choice questions in prep for my written aviation mechanic's test.

May 5: take threee written tests for my aviation mechanic's license. Become a licensed A&P mechanic.

May 7: "The miracle came; Grace met me; You, God, got me through!" Graduated from LeTourneau University as a Bachelor of Science, flight instructor and aviation mechanic.

May 15-17: put together a neat scrapbook of keepsakes and memorables from the last four years

May 25 - September 29: Alaska!!
-build a handsome professional resume with my experiences in Alaska
-train three private pilots
-make some of the best friends ever
-first lessons on the violin
-fall in love for Daisy Delay and learn to cry again
-see the most beautiful places my eyes will see on this side of eternity
-learn a ton about relationships, flying and God
-and about 3/4 of my Mead notebook of journals

Post-Alaska weeks: reflect on the tangles of materialism rampant in these Lower 48

October: themes of sufficiency, risk, relationships, eternity, grace

October 9: interview for coveted flight instructor job in Peoria; lose it to another guy

October 16: called with another job offer as an aerial pipeline surveillance pilot

November: themes of Abby, love, answered prayer, covetousness, nearness to God

November ?: Best friend Jonathan Dassow gets engaged to Jennifer Kerr

November 18: talk to Abby for the first time, who has, thanks to Rachel, gotten to know me a little already

November 20: pray specifically for financial stability by this time in 2006

November 26: "Little threads in my life - Abby, Bible study, Tim, are stitching a message for me, I'm seeing. All this tells me that I'm sought after - pulled alogside a holy Pursuer whose ambition is for me to like Him and be like Him. He wants my life to stream from our relationship. He wants me to be a beneficiary of His love and to stand openly and honestly in His presence. He wants me to heal, to change my ways, to mirror Truth and to relax in His care"..."When was the last time I counted as loss what I gained because it took the place of the excellency of the knowledge of Christ?"

December: themes of relationship with God, Abby, money, ambitions, variety, inter-personal failures, flying, fatigue, faith, marriage, death

December 2: turn 23 years old, Abby is the only one in the world to call and wish me a happy birthday.

December 9: Dr. Bowers informs that no surgery needed to correct my bite, shovel snow for 17 hours.

December 10: for the first time, ask a girl's father for blessing to date his daughter

December 11: for the first time, ''ask a girl out''

December 23: fall into despondency that i'm so far from the person i wanted to be at this point

December 24: family leaves for Arizona until New Year's. enjoy an evening with a best friend Jesse Rimshas

December 25: Best friends Jesse Rimshas and Robbie Heindl both get engaged to their respective lucky women.

On turning 25

2007-12-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

Todays' my birthday. 25 years old. seems strange, being so 'mature' and all. To think that 25 years is behind me, and to think that all that has been to prepare me for the next 25 -plus years, summons one to define it somehow. It's good to set landmarks in life which publish where we've been. Without knowing where we've been, it's improbable that we will ever get to where we're going by the means we anticipated.
I want to continue in life as a joyful, grateful and successful human being. For all practical purposes, my life is successful . But i often have such a narrow view on things that i forget what good surrounds me. I must never neglect the big picture, either. God has been working on this thing called "Jonathan's Life Story" for the last 25 earth-years. In fact, He is writing a book about me...see Malachi 3:16. Often i lack being marvelled by what God has done because i'm so stinkin' selfish in my fixating on what I have done and/ or messed up.
I've been thru a couple schools of 'hard knocks' during my 25 years here. Often it's the trials and sorrows that teach me so much. Every once in awhile i have a flood of inspiration, and it seems that just today is that day to get it in writing. I bless God for giving a great beam of Sonlight on this birthday! I am lonely of human presence, but I am not alone, because my Adonai is with me.

Some pearls of insight 25 years in the making:

-Treat the woman in your life like the treasure she is. She is God's gift to you! Live for her enjoyment, edification and enjoyment. Have it in mind to bring these to her every day through God's strength. You have what it takes to love her; God wouldn't have chosen you for her if you did not!

-Get enough sleep every night. No matter the extenuating circumstances, make sure decent sleep happens!

-Accept that you will have one of two pains in this life: the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Discipline can prevent regret; regret is much weightier than discipline.

-Don't allow for negativity to rule your mind. "Let the peace of God, which passes understanding, rule your mind through Christ Jesus"

-Let the past be past, and let what's done be done

-Think only that which is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous, praiseworthy

-Beleive that God is intersted in your very best! He is not out to trick you, surprise you or punish you. You're His beloved, His creation, and whatever you do is going to turn out for the good.

-Whatever you do, do for the Glory of God. Work, play, talking, writing... "we are His workmanship, created through Christ Jesus unto good works, which He has before prepared that we should walk in them." It may be that what you're doing right now, this second, was prepared for you from the foundation of the world by your loving Father! Do it with all your strength, therefore, and show yourself a worthyand thankful servant and steward of that opportunity!

-Be thankful in all things

-Assume the best of people and uphold them in your thoughts with dignity and respect and admiration. We are each a reflection of God's image

-Constantly remind yourself of the beauty and love around you

-Define priorities and choose your actions based on those priorities.

-Don't wait or hesitate. there's nothing more useless than the time behind you.

-don't worry. it accomplishes nothing

-don't complain. same story

-time is for productivity and for carrying out constructive means to constructive ends

-when interacting with others, listen, learn, and try to understand where they are at that moment.

-know what you're good at and continually improve on that.

-Fear God - not man, or time or circumstance. Wisdom starts there.

-Keep your head above your heart, and God above it all.

I'm engaged!!

2007-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

I am so proud to be the fiance of the finest woman on God's earth for me. She is adventurous, independent, smart, tactful and altogether lovely. I praise God's work in her in her past, her present and her future. She was the woman of my dreams, so that's why on November 22 - Thanksgiving Day - at 8:08 AM, I asked Charisma Andrews to marry me.
My proposal is a story many months in the making, when on August 10, I visited a place I go to every time i come home to Bloomington. It's a little gazebo and deck next to a water fountain and pond, secluded within Hawthorne Park. Just as i had done for several years, I sat next to the water fountain and bowed my head and prayed for my future wife: that God is preparing her, protecting her and providing for her. In this case, I had someone specific to pray for! So I asked the Lord that, if we were to be married, that I might bring her to that spot and ask her to marry me right there.
Our relationship developed, I had a ring custom-made for her by my friend Dan Howerton, and a plan in place, and three months and twelve days later, I brought Charisma to that very place where i had said that prayer. It was a sunny, chilly and brisk morning, and i wrapped her in a blanket while we sat together next to the fountain, which was still running despite the cold. I explained to her how that very place where she sits was where i prayed for my future wife for the last several years. I held her close to me as i savored the moment of having her here with me now. I told her next that this Thanksgiving day was also a very significant time to have her with me because she is the blessing in my life that I am most thankful for, and I want to be thankful for her throughout the rest of my life - "I want to be Always Thankful for you."
Again, i let the moment sink in as i held her tenderly.
Then i said, "Charisma, there's something on my heart that I want to share with you..." I reached inside my inside coat pocket and captured a small wooden box with my fingers, and brought it out for her to see. I opened it to unveil its precious contents: a small metal key, two pennies, and one beautiful ring. I took the ring out, set the box aside, looked her inthe eyes and spoke softly and surely, "Charisma, you are beautiful, and i Cherish you, Honor you, Adore you, and I love you very much. Will you marry me?" She smiled back and leaned forward for a hug as she replied, "I've wanted to tell you for so long; I love you too! Yes, i'll marry you!" That was the very first time we said "i love you" to each other, and the words came out of my mouth carefully and articulately pronounced. Soulful words. Intentional words. I felt them flow out of my soul like water from a well.
I showed Charisma the ring up close, and pointed out the inscription inside the band that said, "Always Thankful." I asked if i could put the ring on her, and Charisma took her Purity ring from her wedding finger, and i slid on her new engagement ring. A feeling unlike any other came over me, the concept that now I am committed in my heart to this beautiful young woman for life. I reminisced how this is my final decision on the woman i want to marry, and there's no turning back now. That is, in God's eyes, turning back is acceptable, but i would sure be a fool for doing so!!! I have a thousand reasons to ask Charisma to marry me. One of those reasons is that I will have a thousand more reasons to be thankful for her when she is my wife.
To follow the first question of "will you marry me?", i asked her my second question: "Will you dance with me?" I took her hand and led her away a few steps under the gazebo roof, got out my MP3 player with headphones attached to it, and gave her one earbud for her ear while i put the other in mine. I switched on a song that has deep-seated significance to us both, Jessica Andrews' "I will be there for you." As we danced to this melody that we had last danced to together in DFW airport the day I last left her, I sensed God was affirming to me in words, "You have my favor now; I will bless you and be with you. Some hardships you faced before are now over. I will favor you and bless you." The song ended, and we looked at each other with sparkling eyes and beaming complexions. I then asked her my third and final question: "Will you kiss me?" She nodded 'yes', as i had hoped for, and i reached up and cupped her face with my hands, pulled our lips together and kissed her for the very first time. This was a different kiss than i had experienced before. This was a tangible language from me exclusively to the woman i had determined to marry. When we kiss, that is another conduit of the invisible, indescribable substance of committed love.
Will you marry me? Will you dance with me? Will you kiss me? -- These are three questions to be affirmed in different forms every day in my relationship with her. Every day i ought to be telling her in other words, "You are the right one for me, and i'm not going anywhere. Will you be with me too?" "I adore the way you are and admire you in every way. Will you live in front of me and allow me to enjoy you for who you are?" "You are desirable to me. Will you want me and desire me too?" Three affirmations to a woman: You're beautiful, I believe in you for who you are, and I desire you. I wanted for our engagement to set the pattern to my life with her.

Our engagement event continued on when i brought her back to sit down again where we were before. I gave her back the Thankfulness Journal in which she had catalogued what she is thankful for about me. I took it, and starting on September 23 - her birthday - I wrote several things i was thankful for her each day up until November 22. For that day, I wrote "Thank you for saying YES!! I love you, Charisma!" The journal had a small padlock to close it up, and it was the key in the ring case to which that lock belonged.

Next, i pulled out from underneath the deck a bowl with a cup of white grape juice and a couple crackers, the elements for the Lord's Supper. I read 1 Corinthans 11:23-26 from my small Gideon New Testament, broke one of the crackers for us, and held the cup of grape juice. I told her how that i wanted to have communion with her then, for the first time as a couple in a committed relationship, to serve as a reminder, from that day forward of how, just as Christ committed his life to his church that night, to die for her, so i will serve Charisma even unto the point of dying for her. So when we take communion together in the future, i will be remembering Christ's vows to His church and my vows to Charisma.

Finally, i opened the ring case for the third time and took out the two pennies there, giving one to Charisma and keeping one for myself. We continued on our tradition of throwing a 'hope' into a wishing well or water fountain. So my 'hope' was, " I hope that i will love you for the rest of my life as Christ so loves the church." And her hope was, "I hope that I am as thankful for you the rest of my life i am thankful for you now." Both of our pennies dropped into the water at the same spot, and we both agreed that we were cold enough to need to get indoors, so we scurried back to the car and returned to my parents' home where I made breakfast for us two and presented the new future member of our family.

I like my life more than this... really!!!!

2007-10-24T19:16:00.001-07:00

My life really IS more interesting than an blog update every month and a half would suffice. Following my time in Canada, I flew from montreal straight to Dallas for a whole week with Charisma!!! I arrived on her birthday, September 23, where she met me at DFW airport complete with her hair braided just for me! Since her birthday was a Sunday, we went to Home Group and Daniel and Holly's, versus taking a date that night. But come Monday we had our date at Julian's in Tyler, and had one of the best evenings with my girl ever! She bought her dress just for that evening, and just for me!! isn't she the best girlfriend ever! The other events of that week were so special. She surprised me with a romantic dinner on Megan/Caleb/Allen/Casey's back porch on Wednesday, we went lotion-shopping at Bath & Body Works, watched 3:10 to Yuma, attended our 5th wedding together, went to Six Flags, homegroup twice, and to church together too!
While on my bus trip back to Harrisonburg, i was called by T.K. at Dynamic informing me of a new job to go to! For the next week following, i was in Albertsville, AL then in Greeneville, TN. I didnt' get to do any flying, but helped clean, reload and marshall four of our KingAirs that the USDA had leased to drop rabies bait.
When i returned to Harrisonburg, i finally got to stay at my own apartment for more than a single night! That provided opportunity to settle in a bit to my own room, buy food and cook for myself and my roommate, Ethan.

On Sunday the 14th, i took another trip, except this one was personal! I drove out to Williamsburg, VA and met Emily, a best friend of Charisma's and a young lady whose heart abounds with encouraging and affirming words. We hung out in a Starbuck's in Williamsburg then visited Jamestown and Williamsburg, but at a mad pace! It's impossible to see everything there in one afternoon. We finished the evening over dinner at The Trellis restaurant, and the conversation we shared just solidified in my heart how special a woman Charisma is and how seriously i need to hold on to her! Charisma is without a doubt the most important person in my life, and just pray for a lifetime with her

I've spent a full 2 1/2 weeks at work in the shop at Dynamic, and i am learning a lot about the airplane i fly. I've had some challenging projects mostly involving redoing plumbing in very tiny places in the plane.
I'm looking forward to embarking on another trip on Tuesday the 30th, to last for 3 weeks, after which is my guaranteed-off time to see Charisma for Thanksgiving week!

Four months of joy

2007-09-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

Today marks the completion of four whole months of my and Charisma's dating relationship! We have come through and accomplished so much the last month, and i am even more proud of her and surer of her than ever! God has been so good to me to bring me someone who's all i hoped for and will ever hope for. She's still the best thing to happen to me! This time with her by my side has been irreplaceable. I hope that the days i spend away from her will get added to the end of our lives to make up for lost time. I never tire of her, and i can't get enough of her! If you ask me, this is how romance should be, even if it must span a distance of 3,000 miles.
Thank you, Charisma, for taking the leap with me into this great adventure. I hope it lasts a lifetime!

So, two days ago, i received news that i'm being rotated out of Canada! my month term is over, and now i get to have a break off work until going on my next project. Life is good, and Dynamic is very good to me too. Our travel agent Liz kindly booked me a ticket from Toronto to arrive Sunday in Dallas. Meaning i get to see Charisma that day, and what perfect timing it is!!! Because Sunday is my lovely Charisma's 25th birthday!!! Thank you, Lord!!!

Another praise of today: a card that Charisma had sent on August 28 (before her care package) finally arrived...today! Obviously i'm very happy for that, and i am very proud of the card too! sorry, you can't read the inside also; that's a mystery that stays between us :-)

Thankfulness

2007-09-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

Credit goes to Charisma (thank you, dear) for posting this article by Jay Leno on her Blog site (charismaka.blogspot.com) and it struck a chord with me. Being in Canada has ramped up my thankful attitude for the very things that we take for granted in the States. Read it, then i'll explain further:

Jay Leno wrote this:

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning
in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we
move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a
bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of
bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. yet has a
great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?

The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your
freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......INSANE!!!!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative."

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to
another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Jay Leno

This article resonates powerfully with me while i'm in a place with not so much blessedness, leadership, resourcefulness, or beauty. i want to come back to the states a much more grateful person; i want for praise to be at the forefront of my mind, because i could have been born into so many other places. i could have looked at this article as an Inuit here in Nunavut and i'd comment to myself.."if i were an American, i'd be the most thankful one there ever were!'
We really have so much to be thankful for. Here's a sample for me:

I'm thankful for real trees to admire, climb, shade me, and block the wind!

I'm thankful for fields of green grass, corn and lush forests

I'm thankful for regular food that i can buy for cheap, unlike this $10 box of cereal

I'm thankful for getting to warm my food the REAL way

I'm thankful for paved roads everywhere in sight.
again, i'm thankful for a place to prepare food the appropriate way.
I'm thankful that i am usually only a day-not a dream- away from seeing my favorite person in the world.
I'm thankful for underground sewage and water supply.
I'm thankful that i can get a package anywhere in the US in a matter of days and not have to pay a lot for it.

--I'm thankful for cell phone service everywhere
--I'm thankful for internet anywhere
--I'm thankful for being able to walk into a grocery store or restaurant that is completely stocked
--I"m thankful for bike paths, people who care about their health, gymnasiums, basketball arenas, my own clean home to go to.
--I'm thankful that i can walk almost anywhere and see a friend.
--I'm thankful for unlimited possibilities for fun and adventure!!!
--I am really thankful for God's blessings to us. we really don't know what we have until it's been removed from us.

Flight school in Canadia

2007-09-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

Daniel Grollimund (the Wise) once said that "we can relate so much of life to piloting an airplane because a pilot has to have a very firm grasp on reality."

My work up here in Canada involves flying straight and narrow lines along the ground for miles and miles while flying 100-200' above the ground. it's a challenge keeping the plane in that position and within a 60' wide corridor in winds, up and down big hills, and for extended amounts of time. I've taken in a lot of basic skills and techniques that are required in order to do my job well, and i cannot but see also how these simple principles can apply to my life too.

So here's some flight lessons i've learned throughout my flying experiences up here in Nunavut. I am particularly interested in how these observations of flying an airplane relate so closely to life as I see it.

Lessons on living and flying the line

-To stay on takes constant, but not undivided attention

-Getting started is stressful, and full of slip-ups.

-Only after a lot of practice does staying on course become second-nature

-Even after it becomes second-nature, you slip up every now and then without the intention to, either because a moment of negligence or because you misinterpret what side of 'perfect' you are.

-It's important to jump right back on without dwelling on the slip-up and to reassure and re-grace yourself afterward

-Learn how going over mountains is going to affect your course.

-Learn to look ahead to remind yourself of where you're going after passing over the mountains.

-Learn that the flats are just as easy to fall off-course on because it's the place of boredom and layed-back attitude.

-Going a long time without making big mistakes just takes a lot of patient endurance

-When you slip off-line, gracefully and patiently and forgivingly get back on - then forget about it, lest it is a snare to your concentration for the course ahead.

-Give your efforts to God, draw your strength from Him, and let Him be the judge of your efforts and results, not man.

-After cresting a mountain, relax and give yourself lots of 'nose-down' time to recover energy.

-When fog and rain cover you and you can't see and get disoriented, fly up to the safe arms of higher skies.

-Repetition and patient endurance with doing it right are disciplines, but they yield encouraging, constant improvement.

-Once achieving a new point of fluency, that is an accomplishment to be proud of!

A Psalm

2007-09-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Great is the Lord, and all praise be given to Him.
Holy and awesome is he within the tabernacle of my heart!
He divides me from my sorrows.
He deflects from me perils and strifes.

All the day I praise Him for his marvelous works!
Through praise come the best of my creature comforts
Trouble and anguish lurk in wait for my praises to end.
But when my mind breathes praise, there is clarity and beauty.

He solaces me when I sacrifice my worries in exchange for praise.
When i am overwhelmed, His deliverance is a thankful word away.
I expect for myself to feel only a grateful and content heart.
Incomparable is He: praise His name!

His name means peace: I praise Him for comfort
His name means Provider: I praise Him for blessings
His name means Savior: I praise him for redemption
His name means Healer: I praise Him for wholeness and protection
His name means King: I praise Him for His sovereignty

To none else I give such high praise - I am wired bless His name!
There is no fear to those who praise Him.
Surely the dross of life and heart will fall away when i praise.
Great nearness I feel to Him when i praise Him.

Known and beloved am I among others who praise the Name of the Lord
The weak shall be strengthened, the crooked made straight, in praise.
Sure and fulfilling rest He gives to those who praise Him.
Right thoughts have I when I rejoice in the works of the Lord

I am near unto them whose hearts are grateful unto God.
Steady and strong are they who praise the Lord.
Praise Him for all things!

But it's so hard...

2007-09-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

I long to be released from the restraints--
I'm held back, distanced from a home for my heart.
Sometimes i feel certain
Sometimes i feel so lonely
Sometimes i fear that how i'm changing is gonna reshape my heart, desensitize my heart
And i'll get back and not recognize her, not recognize our relationship
Distance and time make a point: where will my affections drift in the end?
Will i be closer to her, more one with her,
or will we have to get to know a different person than the one that left?
I'm somewhat hoping the statement is true, for then i would be bolder, stronger, the leader she needs
and she will be more beautiful, more radiant, and more virtuous.

I hate this distance, this time apart.
it's so hard being away from her this long.
but i know God has a bigger plan in mind,
Even when i feel the winds of change within

Bless us, Lord, Thou who created romance,
Thou our great playwright, compose eloquent passages for us to share,
design scenes beautiful and intense,
build the plot to a dramatic climax,
and jot on the tablet of our hearts only the best affections for each other.

I know that all good things are from You;
I depend on You,
on You these tears fall.
and i grieve when i feel you're not helping me.
Come through for me, Lord, and come through for us.
I know You don't have to be so good to me,
I know You never had to give her into my life,
but she's the best thing to happen to me
and this is the hardest adventure we've been on yet.

Just understand now my aching, and bring resolution to me in the end
It's so hard being away from her,
It's so hard to feel to miss someone this badly
In all the world there's no one i want to be with more.

I'm sorry if i've been frustrated
or let the circumstances dictate my responses.

I know i need to let You stay in charge
I know i need to trust Your ways
I am a sojourner adjusting to a new environment.

Help me to be content
Help me to be faithful
Help me to hold on to hope
Help me to wait here in expectation for the best.
Your words are true and faithful
You imagine big plans for me
You bring me to places that lift me up closer to You
You bring me people who show me more of You

It's so hard...
But it's going to be ok in the end!

Whiteouts and burnouts

2007-09-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those nights where i just feel like tilting my head back, laying my hands on the keyboard, and typing with eyes closed. And then let all my thoughts just...dump. Today i had sudden clashes with many facets of reality, many good and some just invasive to my sometimes cozy and safe world.

It's another Sunday of no church, nobody and no place familiar, and no rest. I finally got up after a couple promptings from my phone alarm, moped over to the other bed in my room where my Bible is, and started reading where i left off in Job and 1 Corinthians. In the back of my mind, i'm thinking about when i should put in my contacts, because at any minute our customer is going to call in and say when we are or are not flying today. Regardless, i pushed that away for enough time to examine Job 31 and 1 Corinthians 12, and the correlations between the two couldn't be more appropriate or timely.
In this time where finding intimacy with my girlfriend Charisma is happening through sometimes less than satisfactory means, I am challenged to both develop a deeper fondness of her and a deeper understanding of where God is wanting to lead me, to lead us, in this relationship. I am sold on her, from her head to her toes, from her mind to her heart, from her past to her future, from her strengths to her weaknesses.
...
Even throughout this relationship, it's been apparent that there is a battle over God's sacred establishment of the family, and satan wants to cut the roots from underneath any relationship that is showing promise of being a force for building God's kingdom. Divorce- the cancer of our society, an abomination to Heaven - starts here and now. And longevity, commitment and... marriage - is a sweet savor in God's sight, it ameliorates the alone-ness and physical and emotional needs designed in us to be met by our mate - starts now too.
Since doubt takes a person nowhere, and faith is the driving force of a successful life, i'm going to stick with Job's plan and retain my faith in that what God has given, he will surely keep with me.

Then i moved to 1 Corinthians 12, and my eyes caught a glimpse of the commentary on verse 4:
"In this verse, the Greek word fro "gifts" is Charisma, meaning "grace-gifts" or "free gifts." The Spirit,by sovereign grace, gives one or more such "grace-gifts" to "every man" (2 Cor12:7), as He wills (1 Cor 12:11). The same word is used in verses 9, 28, 30 and 31. It is also used in Romans 12:6, which similarly lists a number of gifts of the Spirit...The gift is a "free gift" of the Holy Spirit (like the free gift of eternal life in Romans 6:23, where the same word is used) neither earned nor forced. Furthermore, it is God-given, therefore not man-generated.

As i was reading this, i was thinking, "wow, that's SO what my girlfriend Charisma is to me! A 'free gift, neither earned nor forced...God-given and not man-generated.' "

It's amazing and wonderful to me today, that the very NAME of my girlfriend tells me she's "Given by God! Free! Unearned! "

Who am i to now, or ever, yield to any suggestion that divorce is an option at any stage in our relationship? My Charisma is an extra portion of Life from God, and an inheritance for being a child of God.

----

So, the topics i advertised...
I flew today in SNOW, wouldn't you believe? And i had one of the scariest moments in my life!! We fly very low - 100 to 200' AGL at sometimes 200 MPH, and today on the flight we flew through snow clouds and snow showers. At one point over the most rolling terrain, we flew right into a whiteout, and everything disappeared. We tried to push ourselves to fly as normal, staying in our 60-foot wide corridor and watching the above-ground-level altimeter like normal, but at one point I realized that 'hey, if i make one wrong move here, i'm going to fly us right into the side of a mountain!' but i flew on, making sure that the AGL altimeter never read lower than 100', but i noticed that my course monitor was reading over 180' off course, and i tried to correct to the right just as i saw the leftwards-sloping edge of a hill ahead. Immediately my brain thought "wings are banked right; turn left to level the wings!" but my eyes looked at the attitude indicator, which said i was flying wings level. there's one word for this: disorientation! It takes conscious effort to rely on the attitude indicator, which is the only reliable sign of where i really am and where i should be going. So i trusted that instrument and avoided flying us into a mountain. And i'm really thankful for that!

And concerning burnout...
So, i worked 80 hours last week and moved my life to one city and back during that time. I flew 10 hours on one day, and have worked 15 straight days. I'm meeting several new people every day whose lives i subconsciously comiserate for (i met a Brian, Nelson, Mel, and William in town today), and i have more paperwork to do, plus an airplane that needs constant attention be given it in freezing weather. Mentally i'm getting to a point of fatigue that i would really appreciate a day to recover from.

To Yellowknife and back

2007-09-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

As Dwight knocks on my door at 9AM, i lunge myself out of bed, walk to the door, and slowly my vision tunnels and dims as my tired body tries pumping blood into my eyes for another day. I have one of those 'is this it, the day my fears meet me and i go blind for some terrible reason?' moments before the world comes alive again in vivid color and clarity.
Thus is a sign to me that my body is getting weaker and weaker by the day and needs some semblance of a day off. But not today -- i don't want to take today off because we have goals to reach today. Mind you, we've already went above and beyond the goals of a typical work week. But i don't feel in the 'toil to earn the beans' mode anymore. What we have here is a mission on our hands, and we're out to complete it, no matter how much sleep we must sacrifice or personal life we surrender. The weekend began with a 7:00 AM flight out to Yellowknife, N.W.T. in KingAir 41J, where we hangared the plane and began its required Phase 2 inspection. We spent from Saturday morning til Thursday morning completing the inspection.
In a nutshell, i've had a KingAir maintenance crash-course the last six days, spending at least 10 hours on and around the plane, opening up cowls and panels and removing filters and filing propellers, taking apart components for the first time, and asking "what's this?" more times than i can count. Fortunately another experienced mechanic, Jason, was flown up from Virginia to help us, and he was more than kind to do all he could for us and help us understand what we're supposed to do.
I know i became 'at home' with our KingAir during this time when i started to have the familiar Love-Hate feelings toward the machine. When i start talking to the airplane, scolding it for being so difficult to fix, and thanking the airplane for 'allowing' me to fix it without hassle, is when i know the intimidation has fallen loose and a real relationship is forming. The final major day of the inspection, Wednesday, was really stressful at the end because there became lots of loose ends made apparent that i didn't feel i had time or understanding to deal with. Fortunately i was allowed to defer these issues for another time because of their minor priority.

I wish we could have spent more time in Yellowknife. If you ever want to go to north Canada for vacation, Yellowknife is the place to go. It's beautiful, affordable, up-t0-date, the people are lovely, and the town altogether is a good thing that comes in a small package. There's a all-city hiking/biking trail, restaurants to suit anyone's fancy, a small mall, movie stores and a theater, American franchises, and lots of places to get away or have an adventure. I wish i could have had an entire day or two just to roam and enjoy. But alas, about all I got to enjoy was a superb breakfast restaurant called Tim Horton's, a trip to Wal-Mart, one night out for dinner at Boston Pizza, and a surprise time away with God on some lovely rock formations facing the Sunday sunset.

We flew away on Thursday morning back to Baker Lake, grieved that we had to say goodbye to one of the world's finer places. It was an entirely healthy time physically, emotionally and spiritually,and Charisma and I took some more steps of growth in our relationship there too.

I left with a sense of 'owning' the airplane after having spent so much time on it. I like being able to gaze on and operate an airplane that i know the inner workings of; it gives me greater confidence and control in my relationship with it.

This is the last workday of this week, and so far my work hours total to 71.25. This could turn into a 80- hour week!

I flew 10 hours yesterday, too. Talk about being busy!

pictures later.. prayers appreciated!

Charisma, Canada, and anywhere but home...

2007-08-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm confessing to having writer's block right now. How this is possible, i don't know because i have so much i need to get down in my web-journal that i ought to be able to write a small booklet by noon. I suppose that rather than trying to recap what's been happening the last week and a half, i'll just give the basics and let the rest fall into place.

My very second week of work at Dynamic i got to come up here. It was so early in my employment that i had just spent one night in my new apartment! We're here to conduct confidential surveys with confidential equipment for a confidential purpose. I'm sorry i have to be so vague, but that's how i have to be right now for the customer's safety. I am a first officer on a Beechcraft KingAir 90, which is a twin-turboprop plane. it's between a prop plane and a jet plane, in effect. The type of flying we do requires coasting at low-level between 100-200' above the ground. for the surveying, we also have to fly the plane in a straight corridor 60' wide while keeping speed of about 160 MPH. This is very challenging and mentally fatiguing flying and requires absolute attention to what one is doing. All of one's senses are functioning at peak capability, and any distraction of thoughts or any crossfiring of the brain to tell the hand what to do results in slipping out of the corridor quite expeditiously. It requires absolute focus on the part of both pilots, and it is so far the best skills-honing flying i've had to do. As a pilot, i feel much more refined, as i feel i'm doing the most demanding kind of flying i've ever had to do. Forget flying IFR for hours. I'd find that easy relative to this. Nowdays, after enduring these extremely demanding exercises, i can cruise back to the airport and maintain 2 deg of heading and 20' with just half a brain cell of thought. We've flown for four straight days on this project so far, and i've logged 22.7 hours in that time. One of my goals is to attain captain status by Christmas, and to do that I need 100 hours of Kingair time. In just four days, i'm 1/5 the way there. Praise God!

So many parallels between life and flying are especially apparent now days. I wish i could just have the chance to pause a flight every now and then to write down in the moment how "wow, that's a lot like life..." For instance, flying an airplane at 150' off the ground at 160 MPH in a 60' wide imaginary corridor certainly resembles the 'straight and narrow' path that we are walking as Christ-followers in this world. There is only one Way to heaven and a good fellowship with Him, and He gives us the way that we should go. Only when we let our mind and heart wander, or let the world distract us for even a second, the great ship of our lives gets off-course. Living well requires great discipline and focus, forward thinking and quick corrections to little upsets. There are times when i need to correct the plane from going the wrong direction, yes, but there are also times when i have to correct my own thoughts from going in the wrong direction because then they aren't helping but rather take away from my goal.
The same applies for my relationship with Charisma. Just recently we've written up a 'covenant' between us to define our strengths, personal goals, and how we intend to keep ourselves physically pure, spiritually committed, and emotionally secure in our relationship. It's been written with the blood and tears of experience, so we're definitely not shooting in the dark with this one: If we stay on this course that we have covenanted to keep, our relationship will doubtless proceed happily and blessed.

Charisma and i are doing great, despite the long distance. Our time apart has confirmed the feelings we have for each other, and i think that we have actually grown in maturity as a couple since we've been apart. It's definitely affirmed in my heart who she is to me: the only girl in the world i want to consider being with for the rest of my life. I miss her so much, and the more I do, the more beautiful she becomes to me! Somehow, even when i was with her, she got more beautiful every week, so i can't wait to see her again! I may have the opportunity to in a month, so please pray that God will bring me there!

As far as the flying project goes, the next step is to fly the plane to Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, for an inspection that will last for a few days. Then once we finish flying the rest of the survey zones here in Nunavut, we're to head somewhere in Quebec for some more.
Prayer requests of mine are that the package my parents sent gets here in time, for Charisma's letter to get here in time, for our safety, for the flawless operation of the plane, and for my spiritual maturity to grow as i spend time away from 'home.'

Radar

Three months of joy

2007-08-20T18:29:00.001-07:00

Three months ago yesterday the 19th, Charisma and I held each other tight under the starry night sky in Nacogdoches, Texas, and i remember her asking, i my ear, "Are we girlfriend and boyfriend?"
me: "I guess we are...friends don't hold each other close like this. Well... here we go! May God bless us!"

Three months later, my life has changed because of her.

Charisma, my mood lacks the eloquence it afforded me yesterday. But i hope it suffices to say...
I am more sold out on you than ever before...
I believe in you more than ever before...
You are the world's most beautiful woman in my eyes and getting more beautiful every week...
I believe God is in our midst and turning everything into good for us...
I believe God is FOR us being together...
I have not cared for anyone else more than i have for you...
When i am close to you I feel I am near God...
I have learned more about relationships, our God's grace, and the wonder of His works more than ever since our relationship began...
I am more at peace about you now than ever...
I'm just crazy about you more than ever!!!

Another lunch break, another fast day, and another full mind…

2007-08-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

…is how I’m coming again to this blog entry this Monday. I had a sweet weekend at Doug’s wedding in Wilmington, NC, and a fantastic Sunday yesterday. I talked to Charisma during my last three hours of the drive home, going on a walk down memory lane together of our first week of knowing each other face-to-face. It was a great conversation of a wonderful an blessed time. We have a start to our relationship that is something to be proud of an thankful to God for.

Yesterday marked the third month since the beginning of my relationship with Charisma Andrews. I miss her fanatically, am learning about her enthusiastically, and am feeling confirmed deeply of God's blessing us together.

This morning, following a good 3 ½ hours of sleep, I went to work to begin my second week at Dynamic, and I was making a little smalltalk with one of the guys I worked with when I was here as an intern 3 years ago. We reminisced about projects we worked on and he updated me on some details I wasn’t aware of, details that showed how good of a CEO that Karl Stolzfus is and how well off the company is doing. Then he surprised me when he said, “we’re blessed, and you know, that’s what happens when God runs the company.” He went on to say how he was prayed into his job there, and how a Christian company like this is setting God above itself and is being blessed through it, and that he’s glad to be working here and that most everyone who comes brings more blessing to the company. He pointed out me in particular to be one who is brining blessing to the company, and encouraged me in that if I prove myself to be a hard worker and diligent on the shop floor, then Karl will see that and reward me with favor with flying because I ‘earned to fly his planes.’
Encouraged is a nice way to start the day!

The next couple hours were droll and spent in the boredom of cleaning and polishing metal pieces, meanwhile my brain, in its unmotivation to process much of anything, wandered onto some negative, lustful thoughts that I tried to immediately bring into captivity to Christ, an reminded myself to think that which is in Philippians 4:8. And I prayed, “God, help me to use this time in thoughts that I won’t regret later when I regain my motivation.” Then God started giving me tasks to process concerning my relationship with Charisma: proposal, gifts, what our relationship is becoming… and I was given insight into why there are some parts of our past experiences together that we both regret. It’s that during those times, we didn’t have in mind to be working to improve and move forward our relationship but to just go with the moment and let what happens happen. So I quickly made a mental note that “constant improvement” needs to be added among our present four ‘covenants’ in our relationship. Then after that, I added another: to think, say and act out Philippians 4:8. So if we have one more later on, that will make a complete seven.
This led to my visualizing a wonderful project that I would love to put together soon, serving as a tangible reminder of the “meat” of our relationship both now and on and on and on…so we pray!

Then I was struck by the fact that I was feeling at a total, restful peace about our relationship and that I was also feeling simply elated that Charisma is my girlfriend, and that the voice in my head that repeats to me a detestable phrase every morning was…gone. ‘What did I do?’ I wondered.

Well, I think that this weekend really changed me and gave my mind a new perspective on a lot related to God, our relationship, myself, and the invisible battle that is waged every day for our souls.
I wrote last week about the ways of the devil and how to discern God’s will by knowing His Own ways. That was a stepping = stone onto what i was to encounter this weekend. I met a man and another couple with whom I just got into a conversation about relationhips an how to manage long-distance and be the man I need to be now and in marriage. And one of the guys told me that he had doubts come to him and second-guesses and messages in his min that made him feel insecure during his engagement to his wife, and he really got my attention there because that’s sorta what I’ve been going thru myself. He held onto truth, just like I am, but he identifies that there is a battle over marriages in this generation; satan wants to crush solid, biblically-founded marriages because they are the greatest testimonies of Christ’s beautiful love for His church in this generation, and we believe he isn’t interested in dividing marriages where they are but where they begin – in the intentionally God-honoring, intentionally commitment-ready dating relationships.
There is a battle waged against us – even Charisma and me. And we need to give attention to it and be knowledgeable of satan’s devices against us because they are strong and effective. We are truly in this battle, and we have a charge to withstand it and fight it ourselves, and going into this battle uninformed of satan’s devices is like entering a war with all the knowledge of and preparation for a enemy’s ground forces but no intelligence as to the enemy’s air forces.

God has a way of giving me his words in my spirit at the most opportunte times - you know, 2:15 in the morning. But the insight he gave me was so profound and important that I just had to spend time with Him processing and writing down what he was giving to me. I felt like he was showing me the enemy’s battle tactics in a way I never saw before. And once He did, I knew that , yeah, that’s what I’ve been facing.

Here’s what I wrote down – as satan battled, God said, ‘’here’s what I see. Once you figure that out, then you can see what you should about Me.’’

Satan’s devices are:
-Distractions!
-Exaggerations!
-Lies!
-Perversions!
-Destructions!
-Discouragements!

As I look at this list, I can’t help but identify several places in our past where we succumbed to one or many of these. Through that, we gave satan a foothold to steal from us and let us know that he was bringing the news as a point of accusation against us before God. So came guilt and remorse that still plagues me today. But because God is cool and works everything together for the good, we learned so much about each other, and I have grown to care for Charisma so much more.
One big, big lesson i'm realizing just now is that the adventure together has to keep going every day we're together. when the adventure stops, then satan can walk in and tempt. Charisma, can you think of times when we were not on an adventure together? and what became of that time? adventure means that the relationship is constantly moving forward too. I know now to rather seek to keep us on the adventure every day we're together!

I have also grown in my spiritual walk personally, and consequently all that has helped Charisma’s and my relationship abound even more. Christ is surely at the center.
I am not ignorant of the weapons against us, and I know even better that they shall not prosper. When I know that something in my mind is not of God but is an attack against something God is ordaining, I can speak rebuke against it in Jesus’ name and proclaim God’s Word to deflect the attack.

Yes, I do believe that families are under siege even before they are started. I feel it as a thorn in my flesh, but it has been a faithful thorn by God’s grace…He has taught me so much. I know that a relationship that is seeking God is one to hold onto, and so long as it does, only God should be the one to split the couple.

As for me, I feel I am seeing like God does about Charisma and our relationship as well as so much more in the world.
I can go about my day in restful peace that God is for me, for Charisma, and be elated in the fact that she is my girlfriend!

I believe in our relationship. I believe in Charisma. I believe that we are God's choice for each other.
I'm brave to say that, but really it just simplifies things because it makes our "yea, yea" for we believe that God's opinion is "yea."

Forward with faith!!

Discerning God's will

2007-08-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm on lunch break on my fourth day of work at my new job at Dynamic Aviation. I hope my fingers will fly as fast as my thoughts are so i can get everything down on time...
Today i felt led to fast from all foods, as has been on my mind for the last few weeks. Something has been weighing in my spirit that i really need to hear from God about once and for all, so here i am fasting my way into God's presence to ask His will because i beleive that when I fast, i talk to God and hear from Him too in a special way.
I felt that the issue, which will go unmentioned, was serious enough to seek some real help from God, as people in general just have their own opinions and we all know that God has the final word anyway.
What has been weighing on my soul is God's will concerning issue X, we'll call it. I'm getting contradicting convictions about issue X, and the more i try to arrive at a resolution, the more i get frustrated, and the more i try to fight the conviction i DO NOT want to be there, the harder i have to try, either because i'm facing it with the wrong heart and weaponry, or it's staying there and prevailing because God wants it to be. So i'm searching out the will of God concerning this.
i spent my first five hours of work today just sitting by myself cleaning aircraft parts. lots of personal space, lots of think-time, going back and forth 'God is this your will or is That Your will, and why, Why, WHY would it be one or the other?' i don't like at all when i have some tugging towards an action, and no Why explanation comes tied to it; many times i find i just have to do it, then i'll know Why. however, from this same heart has come tuggings to do harm and to do good. So maybe issue X is just some great exaggeration of the 'doing harm' tug. then again, it could be a 'do this thing' and i'll know why it was good Afterwards.
So, God, what is Your will?? I don't know why, i don't know what will come of my decision of Issue X, and i don't know if Your punishment and discipline is again on its way if i do not comply with this unrelenting (but albeit, to me, resented) nudge.

In a sharp moment of epiphany, it occured to me that the word 'Will' implies a future-tense. We fear God's will because we haven't seen what it brings; God has a will for a certain situation, and if we follow it, result A occurs, and if we don't then result B occurs.
However--- and this is important --- however, nothing happens that is NOT God's will, right ? So we have a choice to do what is in our minds as being God's Will, but coming from thought processes fallible and hearts often misdirected by temptation and Satan's snares along our way...doing God's will in a situation where the right deicision is unclear becomes something of an enigma.
So...what else do we know about God's will? I think this is the kicker: God works in accordance with what He wills, but He has protocol for how He works, and these protocols are His Ways. And i think we can know His ways because they're printed all over the Bible.
I'm almost out of time here.....
The difference between God's nudging and satan's temptations and lies are the same as the difference between God's ways and satan's ways.

Let's look at God's ways....
Phil. 4:8 "whatsoever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous or praiseworthy, think on these things"
Psalm ? - All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth
John - For God so LOVED the world that He Gave is One and only Son...
Romans 8 - There is therefore NO condemnation
Romans 8 - The Spirit intercedes..Christ sits at God's right hand interceding for us...it is God who justifies

God is the builder, restorer, forgiver, caretaker, lover, healer, hope-giver, life-maker, joy-filler.

So what WILL God do? Look above...

Let's look at satan's ways...
"the tempter comes to KILL, STEAL and DESTROY.
"he wanders around like a ROARING lion, seeking whom he may DEVOUR"

The sum of the matter, then, is to abide in God's ways, and to generate a thought environment that refuses to process any whims of destruction of ANYTHING. If it's killing, stealing or destroying - and these come in oh SO many flavors - then it ought not be in your mind. And you ought not DO it. And that is what is NOT God's will.

new job, day two

2007-08-14T20:31:00.001-07:00

quick update here...

on the maintenance floor today, hung out with Philip Wright and talked about marriage/life/Charisma

dumped solvent in a tank where it wasn't supposed to go, got cussed at (jokingly i think) by Dave Pettit. thought about how Charisma might have reacted.

Got to know Dave Pettit, quite A character. his antics distract me from missing Charisma.

helped inside the Christophel's garage which is being built. thought about how i'm developing skills and work ethic God wants in me to be a better person for ... Charisma

shoot, ill just say it..
I MISS CHARISMA!!!

three months

2007-08-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

The first day of my ew work set behind a very colorful and joyous and dramatic past and brough tme into a solemn reality that life isnt' all a bed of roses when it exlude someone very important to my sould. I am at the place I've dreamt fo for the last ten years, and it is just like I imagined. Thi is where I belong, yes, and this is the place I would crave, and if I were to leave it, I would mis it as if it were meant for me. I woul be satisfied here.
But then omeoe steppedd onto the story of my life three months ago, and my worl was changed. W spent most of the time during those three months together, except fo a whole three weeks lacking ehr presence. Viriia was a dream I knew possible ut Charisma was a relationship impossible to dream. God has brough such wonderful things to me through Charisma, and has spoke to my heart ruths that coul be understood only through Hs design of our relationship. He is workign in me in ways I feel too littl eand too weak to cooperate with, but without His challenges, a vital season of my life woul not come to pass.
I realize that the enemy is in the usiness of destroying marriages and the family, adn that there is a spiritual warfare happening right now as Charisma's and my relationship lay down roots. From mmy standpoint, thsi is not an easy batle. I fel the discouragemet and the conflict an the lie swarming and dive-bombing every piece of open flesh not guarded by the shield of faith. Also, whe I have let down my sword of the Wod of God from workign on the offensive, I feel the warm closing in for the strike.
Having a relationship where Gods will and pleasure is the goal certainly diesn't sign one up or a life of uninterrupted bliss. Keeping up my role as a godly boyfriend isnt easy. Leading our relationship by the pure motives, thoughts and attitudes...isn't easy. Bt what a privilege it is for God to give m this woman in my life and appoint me, a fallible, selfish at heart man, to be the oe to encourage her sanctifiation, understand her heart, and to team with her to be the model of the realtionship of the Godhead! I need prayer daily for wisom and viion and faith that this relatinhip is growing and establihed by God' design. Yet it is not I that can accomplish this but God's favor and blessing.
So here' the point I intende thi entry to convey when i started. I am very glad fro all that is in my life now. I'm in Virginia, I mean, life is perfect, right Yet, loneliness is the song of my heart. I beg to be transported into the future so I can be with Charisma agai. Virginia doesn't seem complete without her, either. Yet, I understand that this is only the beginning.
We hope for a day when seeing each other is as easy as going home.
But for now, dear, I miss you.
Lord, haste the day when I can see my sight for sore eyes again.

---August 13, 2007---
---three months since seeing into the eyes of she who has moved my soul---

Radar

missing Charisma and so much more!

2007-08-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

With the Dawn of a new chapter in my life quickly approaching, part of me shies away and clutches to the past - oh how sweet were the times with Charisma! how i wish i could have those days back so i could enjoy again - no, enjoy with deeper passion, greater zest, greater appreciation! The quality what I have i don't realize until it's over. But at least i realize it now, and the next time i have with Charisma i want to go with settled joy that my hours with her are quite possibly the best of my life. How amazingly fantastic are my times with her as i remember them!
i recall the day i came back to Tyler and met Charisma after my very long day of flying and dealing with potentially flight-jeopardizing mechanical issues. i was late in returning to her that Sunday afternoon, but the rest of that evening, i felt all over a sold-out, enthusiastic joy just to be with her. Every memory i have of our being together i now feel the same way about. (Golly, i took so much for granted when i was with her; so distracted! but we have been learning so much in those times too - all time together is not for pure enjoyment; it is our growing time too, which is hard in passing through but in the end is so sweet) My sentiment is that this is the kind of good life i want to hold onto for however long my life goes on. This relationship with Charisma is that good life.
She is a precious gift from God that He has been giving to me daily since April 30.

So, if you haven't noticed, I'm crazy about Charisma, and I'm hoping that God will continue making her a daily gift to me for a long long time to come.

A man named Christopher

2007-08-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

I went on one last jog today because it was my last full day in San Diego. I dressed up, stuck my keycard and a $20 bill in my pocket in case i needed it, and left to see the sights on the walking trail. But this story isn't about the HMS Surprise used in Master and Commander...
Nor is it about the oldest sailing ship still on the seas...
Nor about getting to see the USS Midway up close...
...but about a man named Christopher, who i believe i was sent to bless today.
During the jog to see the ships shown above, i noticed homeless people sitting on benches about every other1/4 mile. and few of you know my compassion on homeless people- it digs into my heart to witness such depravity rampant in my surroundings. poor people who can hardly help themselves, and i can only sympathize about what may be happening in their minds. are they filled with regrets of the past? are they worried about where their next meal is coming from? are they sunk in boredom and desperate for time to speed up? has their mind just switched off? whatever the case, i just wish i could get them someplace to stay, something to do, someone to love. i feel impulsive to give homeless people my money because they obviously need it more than i do, and i always feel this way when i pass by one. but debating against my heart is my reason, telling me that the money i give might go to booze or drugs. "i could give in faith to some random person" i hear inside. "or i could give with reasonable faith" i hear also. so i'm praying these things out, and on the way back to the hotel I decide I'm going to give that money away. so i'm looking for someone in whom to have reasonable faith.
i passed by several just sitting on benches reading a newspaper or staring off into oblivion, but i had no tug in my conscience for any of them. Then, about a mile from my hotel, i saw a guy in the distance dumpster-diving for plastic bottles and depositing them in a black bag. i espied a couple worn-out vehicles not too far from the dumpster, so i figured he was with one of them. As i passed him by, i said "that's a good way to get some extra cash." he replied, "yeah, it's not the best way but it works." as i got to the other side of him, i noticed by his feet a duffel bag and a rolled-up sleeping bag, which cued me in to his situation. I ran a very thought-rich dozen steps, during which time my conscience rolled the entire parable of the talents (Matthew 25), where God says to the wise servants, "you have been faithful in few things: now i will make you ruler over many things." And i also heard, almost audibly, 'this is the guy you need to give to."
so i went back to him, asked him if he needed money, and of course humbly admitted he did and graciously received my $20, and assured me that he wouldn't waste it but will use it on bathroom stuff 'tonight' and other stuff he needs. i learned quite a bit about him: his birthday is September 17, he came to believe in Christ as his savior on September 18 last year, he was just last year become homeless, and his name is Christopher Harper. I got a picture of us, and he had us make 'peace' signs with our hands in the picture. he said goodbye and "God bless you" over and over , and i walked away to into new threshold of joy and happiness. I recalled another part of Matthew 25, "whatever you do unto the least of these, you do also unto Me." then the details started lining up: Christopher - kinda like Christ; Harper - angels in heaven (Revelation 14:2; 15:2); peace sign - one of Christ's ministries on earth.
i would be thrilled to know that i met an angel today. I ran away for a couple minutes before turning back to see if he were still behind me. He was . i guess God's going to have my mystified until heaven.

San Diego: exploring day

2007-08-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

At some point in every good journey should be a time of relaxation and reward. Right now I am in Balboa Park, at a restaurant called the Prado. It's in a very serene and luxurious area decorated ith plm and fig trees and flowers all around. The restaurant is one of several establishments surrounding a central open-air court with a fountain and pool in teh middle.
i set out this afternon on a 3-mile walk to the San Diego Aerospace museum, with natural expectations to just get there. But I soon discovered that the journey there was really the highlight of the afternoon. I strolled by exotic California flowers, friendly people who smiled when they passed, a beautiful view of the San Diego Bay and skyline. Occasionally an airliner would fly a couple hundred feet overhead on final into runway 27 at SAN.

a couple steep hills challenged my pace, but what most slowed me was the impulse every several minutes to pull my camera out to take pictures of sign or flowers or landmarks or buildings. Then I got into Balboa Park, introduced by a grand archway and continuing on to a whole different culture than that of the city outside.
I meandered through the park trying to find a certain road to lead me to the Aerospace museum, and encountered a welcome diversion into the lovely flowerbeds, an amphitheater, a Japanese garden and many other lovely scenes along the way. The museum was situated just so that tourists can watch airplanes flying behind the museum on their final into SAN. The museum was nothing remarkable, just a check off the list compared to other museums I've been to. My present listing of aviation museums i've visited:

Dayton Air Force museum in Dayton, Ohio
Smithsonian Institute Air museum, Washington, D.C. mall
Smithsonian Institute Air museum, Dulles airport, Washington, D.C.
Naval Air Museum in Pensacola, Florida
Air Force Academy museum in Colorado Springs, Colorado
Evergreen Air Museum in Portland, Oregon (home of the Spruce Goose)
Flight of the Phoenix Museum in Gilmer, Texas
San Diego Aerospace Museum in San Diego, California

San Diego: first full day

2007-08-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

As a result of spending a couple hours siting next to a pool barechested against the California sun, I have effectively burned a red stain onto my only slightly-protected front side. Worst of all, it hurts, man! my left foot even got burned. note to self: California sun unforgiving ,must layer the tanning lotion! I've seen a few twists to the norm this last 24 hours. After my quiet time this morning, i popped in a pair of contact lenses and spent the next 3 hours not seeing quite like I normally do. I supposed my eyes were just tired because i couldn't focus on distant object, nor were my eyes focusing quickly from near to far. When I went into the bathroom to get some mouthwash, i felt curious enough to look in my contact case, which was in my travel bag, just to make sure I put in my own contacts. Well, my contacts were still in my case, which meant that those in my eyes were my sister's! I had just picked up the wrong case. I was relieved: my body isn't breaking down after all!
Another surprise came when, yesterday, the girl from my previous relationship showed up on Facebook, added me as a friend, and wrote a message to me. Appropriately, in our friend detail, she stated "we were in a relationship ,but now we're not talking."

Rosanna and i came back to our room and she noticed a couple doors down a tray of dishes and food waiting to be pick up by room service. She walked over to it and picked of a a couple tasty herb tortilla chips. "These are good!" she exclaimed. "try one!" I looked around secretively and got myself a bite of the chips. I noticed a pizza box under the plate with th etortillas and opened it up to find half acheese pizza still in it. "well, get get it!" Rosanna said. So she and I enjoyed a free dinner tonight, courtesy of our unwary but wasteful neighbors.

A bridge under repair in Minneapolis collapsed today, and an eyewitness had this to say on a CNN interview:
"Construction workers were just kinda standing around with blank faces on their look."

it's alright, buddy, i flip my words sometimes too!

San Diego blog: first thoughts and present concerns

2007-07-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hi all -
i know it's been awhile since i've written here, but that doesn't mean i've been dead or braindead or stranded on an island or whatever. i've been very busy travelling seemingly everywhere a guy can go in three weeks, and most of it has been with my beautiful girlfriend Charisma. i hope to someday get my piece of mind onto my blog site, but for now you may want to visit hers at charismaka.blogspot.com.
meanwhile, i have been in San Diego with my family, and i basically hand-wrote my journals as i went ,so what i have to type up here is taken from those pages. so here's me in San Diego!!

July 31 - aboard flight 635, United Air Lines from O'Hare to San Diego
I feel a lot of growing up is happening in me. I've made a lot of mistakes, felt the guilt, and learned from the experience. Spiritually I feel growth happening too, as a fiercer battle I have to fight threatens to beat me or mold me. Also as I continue to love, honor and not be critical towards my loved ones, I train my behavioral patterns toward my future wife.
---
In San Diego now, my first experience on the southwest coast. There's palm trees and festivities, and wealth and prestige and famous people and places - all the richness of a vacation experience right before my eyes. For me, it's a chance at rest, renewal, reflection and refocus. It seems i've allowed myself to encounter alot of 'life" recently, having tripped and fallen and gotten up with bruises yet with a mind all the wiser. The hard part about going through life as such is that an escape from the guilt can hardly be made. I wish that "what's done" could get shoved behind my mind and emotions as swiftly as Time removes us from the thing done, but such is not the case for me for one reason or another. The issue remains stuck in my mind, and my attention remains on my issue, so in the bitter end I turn into a person probably partway stuck in my own mind. Scary to consider!
i wonder sometimes whether i'm just a specially designed mind and heart for some purpose God is planning for. I can't feel okay with my negligence or carelessness or impulsivity; I have to dwell on the error, feel for what it's teaching me, then go on and apply the lesson til I can say "That was a good first intention, but the alternate result was better than the first intended result." Sure God works everything out for the good, and I have to believe Him for that. Just until I understand how, fully, I struggle to maintain my joy because I'm so busy getting down on myself.
I wish that i felt the same purity and blamelessness I did before! Yet even then I had my own struggles which i have now overcome or grown out of. In theend, the real task is being thankful for that IS in my life. Charisma reminds me to think on what is real and what is happening, not on what may or has happened.
---
We are here in San Diego with mom and the Vemma Elite Club (of which she is a member) for a special conference to celebrate the vemma business and reward the important people that are its makeup. For the majority of you who don't know what Vemma is, i can tell you that it's a liquid full-spectrum vitamin and mineral supplement combined with a liquid extract of Eastern-grown mangosteen fruit. it's the most complete bio-available health supplement available, and the addition of the mangosteen makes it the richest source of antioxidants available.
The health revolution is the next big thing, we are convinced. As deaths and complications and unsolved issues dominate our perscription-drugged society, people are searching for alternative options, and the best place to go is straight to the solution: give the body the stuff it needs, and it will repair itself. I and thousands of people in many other countries believe Vemma is the answer. It's all-natural, tastes great, makes me feel great, and has a money-back guarantee. Visit my site myvemma.com/jonathantack for more proof/details.
The San Diego Sheraton is hosting us and our event, and I will get to see lots of the week's big features, but there is quite a bit from which Rosana and I will be excluded, such as aspecial dinner with the company president BK Boreyko on a yacht sailing in the San Diego bay, and a visit to BK's beach home.
...

I'm enjoying the experience so far. This has got to be the best hotel I've gotten to stay in, with its personnel who do everything to make us informed an comfortable, to our 11th-story room with a view of San Diego Bay. Our room has a patio looking out to the west to a harbor of a thousand yachtsand sailboats, and to the north of that is the San Diego airport, and straight beyond the harbor are hills bordering the next further coastline. The weather is a perfect 70-ish degrees and clear, and the air is fresh and aromic.
Inside is a fancy suite where my sister Rosanna and I will sleep and on our bed are each of our stuffed animals which our respective significant others have given to us - my Char the white tiger, and Rosanna's Ninja the brown dog. Vemma sent us up a little wooden boat filled with little snacks, Cardonnay and Vemma - decalled wine glasses.
I have a list of things i'd like to do during my stay here, which includes more than is possible, but it's best for me to have ideas to aim for. At lest the simple things like having a meal ordered up to our room and taking a walk along the boat harbor will be done without much hassle.
I am officially Rosanna's 'bodyguard' during this trip: wherever she goes, I'm to go too. Actually this is Nathan's idea which mom condones, although Rosanna prefers her independence.
Our flight there was interesting toward the end because the flaps had some mechanical glitch, and after circling to troubleshoot for 1/2 hour, we finally made a partial-flap landing at San Diego. The pilot still kept it smooth, but I could tell the brakes were giving their maximum effort during the rollout. At the gate, apparently when they tried bringing the flaps back in, a strange clicking and knocking sound came from the wing root area. Not good, I though. At least we mae our destination, though i feel for those passengers who were to leave in the plane after us.
Yes, sleeping is on the agenda for this week. Charisma (i just love seeing that name the more i type or write it!) and I didn't' get much during our time together, and last night I got about 1 1/2 total. So I'm tired and probably more emotional about being apart from Charisma than I should be. Nevertheless, I just wish she were here because I miss her dearly and appreciate her more now that she's gone. I just know she wants me to have a good time where I'm at, and that is what she really cares about.

This one's for Charisma :-)

2007-06-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

You asked for it, dear!
This is Charisma running into Payless to get herself some heeled shoes because she unintentionally brought two right shoes to the wedding on Saturday! lol
I'm a little proud of the fact that the shoes she liked and bought was the same pair i suggested. There's us being of like mind again.
We didn't get our dance in on Saturday. one of these days, though.

Another big weekend with Charisma

2007-06-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

Charisma inspires me. I guess her name fits one of her very strong characteristics: she influences people, especially me. I come away from my days with her feeling that i've been to a brighter place, a more wonderful place, and i often have to actually convince myself that i was there, with her. When I sit back and contemplate all we've done, all the moments we've created together, i am amazed that all this is happening. How did i become the guy to be filling out eHarmony surveys thinking that a girl has to be desperate or really REALLY special to want to date me, to this priviliged, confident guy holding the hand of the most beautiful girl i know, writing her long letters, taking her from South coast to North coast, treating her to "Dallas' most romantic restaurant", flying her in my airplane, adventuring, romancing, travelling, conversing, and moreover sharing in an honorable and regretless relationship.

I flew into Tyler on Friday, and Charisma picked me up and took me to her apartment, where she had prepared an amazing meal of chicken cordon bleu, corn casserole bake, baked potatoes and for dessert, oreo pudding pie. Lady knows how to cook! we watched a bit of the Alamo movie but soon abandoned that so we could get out to the airport and take her along with a couple of her friends Mandy and Sarah flying. They liked the negative - G dips and screamed louder than the engine roar, but they had a blast, and Mandy called it the event of her whole week vacation!
Then we went to Megan and Caleb's place and played Monopoly and were each slowly decimated by Caleb.

Sunday, Charisma and i flew to Conroe for Brandon R's wedding but didn't get to seee all of it because she accidentally brought two right shoes and by the time we got back from Payless, the wedding was half over. No bother to me, though: i learned that she is an adept navigator and takes a little change of plans with grace. "Life wouldn't be nearly as interesting if we didnt' have to improvise."
I took this picture when we were unloading our stuff to go get ready for the wedding.
There's one detail about this picture i noticed today, but i'm afraid i'll have to be secretive about what i observed because it will be of much sweeter significance with the passage of time for Charisma and me.

Finally getting to Galveston at 7:30, we walked toward the coast and found this kiddie playground that was built with all these little corridors, obstacle courses and slides, and Charisma and i ran around playing tag for a few minutes. i'd fly down there again just to have that fun little return to childhood. We ate at a really slow McAlester's Deli and took our food to a lifeguard post near the beach to eat.

the Yellow Cab (it's the color Yellow, by the way) drove us back to the airport terminal, and before leaving to go out to the plane, Charisma and i wrote each a little note describing a wish, and we slipped each into a little plastic bottle, which she dropped somewhere into the Galveston Bay from 8,000' on our flight back.
as if all the flying and walking around wasn't tiring enough, we watched A Walk to Remember and talked til sunrise Sunday morning about, you know, stuff that stays between us only.

Sunday we went to church, then washed the dishes, Charisma made soup and grilled-cheese sandwiches, and we watched Sweet Home Alabama. Then she drove us to her next surprise for me - a jewelry shop in Tyler Mall - where she got for me an "honor ring" which has a Hebrew inscription of Song of Solomon 7:10 around the face. This is no doubt one of the most thoughtful presents i've ever received, and i will wear it and remember her, but most importantly, Who is the Great Romantic who does have me for His own already.

We went swimming for an abbreviated amount of time because soon into our game of 'Charisma throws the frisbee up and Jonathan jumps out into the pool and catches it' , I landed my foot wrong in the pool and punctured a hole in my foot. It wasn't painful, nor was it bleeding much at first, but that wasn't the cool part. What was really great was that Charisma took it upon herself to nurse my wounds. She cleaned and bandaged me up just because she saw the need. Anyway, i thought that was really cool and another example of her serving, noble heart.

For dinner we went to Megan and Caleb's for tacos...

I am so blessed that Charisma is by my side for this time in my life. She is my encourager, steadier, caretaker, and there's no one whose eyes i love looking into more besides her. i trust her, she daily surprises me with her decisions, character, habits, generosity and gratitude.

God has been good to me. God is good to me. God has said that He will never leave me nor forsake me, so the future is good too.

Helped people, Hurt people

2007-06-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today has been very productive for me.
Now, these days, being productive means that i affected people's lives - many people's lives. my work is very people-oriented as opposed to task - oriented, and while tasks sit and wait to get done and don't care beans if they don't, people do care and they react socially and emotionally. My responsiblites revolve around people, and I often measure my own success on how many people i helped or hurt today. This day in particular, i prepared for much, made lots of plans, talked to a ton of people, and influenced just as many.
i wish i could had a double today, though: one of me to go meet my two new students, and the other to stay at the airport and take care of my students there. when dealing with five students in one day, each vying for quality time and attention, life gets hectic,and i have to be choosy with the use of my time. divide myself equally amongst all, and i leave several of their responsibilities incomplete. Concentrate on the ones who need the priority attention, and i run out of time to spend with the others. either way, somebody is going to be unhappy. i find myself deciding who must be neglected for the greater good, and consequently whose unhappiness means the least to me. So the plans i set forth went bust. i allocated my time in ways i didnt' anticipate, but i got stuff done, and there was a little redemption in the end.
Ruedi finished his commercial syllabus with teh 1.4 hours we flew this AM to Nacogdoches; Brad got sent off on his solo cross-country and got back and finished his paperwork ; i got Leanne's paperwork done and her checkride scheduled; i printed out study materials formy new instrument students; and i researched my flights for Friday and Saturday with Charisma.
i was supposed to meet Paul to go fly at Gilmer at 5, but stuff piled up on me, and i didnt' get out of the airport til 7. plus, storms were on the horizon all over the area and flying would be risky anyway.
so where this led me consequently is to stand up my new instrument students about three times this afternoon because i didn't show up where i'd tell them i'd be - the busyness at the airport got to be too much. then i practically stood Paul up too. had the weather not been in bad shape, i would have been two hours late anyway, and grumpy and tired so i dont' know how beneficial it would have been anyhow. ...

so i've left this writing about three times in the last five hours, so i'm going to let it go and publish it.

in other news, my all-too-wonderful-and-beautiful-for-me girlfriend and I are enjoying a fantastic relationship. We are travelling a lot together: in this month so far, we've been to Waco, Dallas, San Antonio, Bloomington Illinois, and if God wills for us, several other destinations near and far are in our plans. To sum it up, i'm having the most fun, wild, adventurous and romantic time of my life. Charisma is God's gift to me for this season, and we realize it-this season- is soon coming to an end. Our prayer is that it will transition into another season of which this relationship is also a part. It is in God's hands, whatever happens. We will be content with future circumstances because we are being wise with each other right now.

San Antonio, next to Alamo Monday June 11
Dressed for Rachel and Evan Fleming's wedding in Bloomington, Illinois, Friday June 15
the lovely face of my girlfriend who is daily amazing me by her grace, virtue and godliness. riding the Amtrak down from Bloomington to Longview. the pen in her hand is all too appropriate!

End of week in pictures

2007-06-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

Week summary

2007-05-31T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've been spinning blogs in my mind for days this week but never actually got around to writing them! So now at 1 in the morning on Friday, i'll make a brief review of what's happened this week:
Endured my first five solid days in a row to not see Charisma. I'm missing her, but this time has made us both the wiser. Plus we've both been able to get more sleep on weekends - that's a plus manifested through our good letters this week. I miss her and find myself yearning for her more. This relationship has been a little intimidating due to the fact of getting to see her (almost) every week, as my past relationships have been short-term and long-distance. Charisma has brought profound and peaceable changes in my life. I dont' want to be without her.
Leanne, an instrument student this semester, is a machine who just won't back down. She works harder than any student i know, and she's driven to the max. we've flown 6 hours this week , and 3.5 of that is in actual clouds. next week should be her stage 2 check, followed by cross-country planning to culminating in a trip to San Antonio next Saturday.
My personal flight time is about to become more noteworthy. I have 1,198.3 hours presently, which means i'm 1.7 from having Part 135 minimums. It's nice knowing i have a strong resume and expereince background to get into alot of jobs i want. Thank God that i do already have the job i want (Virginia!)
I said a prayer today that i wanted to write about. I prayed that God would bless me--emotionally. Bold prayer, i know. But i felt a need to pray it today because, honestly, my feelings and emotions have been just crazy. I don't anticipate change very well; i have to force myself to embrace it. I go through change with zeal and passion, but to anticipate change makes my body tired, head hurt, legs tingle, and brain freeze. I hate what my subconscious is putting me through. So today this prayer came to mind - "Lord bless me emotionally today." And miraculously, He did. In a short time, my worrisome thoughts and throbbing in my head disappeared, and i felt happy again. Isn't it nice knowing and witnessing how God participates in our life?
About Charisma - until God shows us that we belong somewhere or with someone else, i want to be here. For now, you and here is where i belong. Head above heart and God above it all.

okay time to sleep,
Radar

Another weekend getaway

2007-05-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

Today i went to Harvest Church in Tyler, enjoyed a lunch at Chili's courtesy of Caleb and Megan, then got away with Caleb for a couple challenging games of chess. We each one a game, and the winner was, predictably, the first one to make a careless move with his queen. I won the first, he the second. Trying for a fashionable shot with the chess pieces
After church was some personal time followed by an hour of Salsa dancing! I've never danced like that before, and i'm sure i looked silly, but i learned some moves and had a lot of fun! I am looking forward to teaching Charisma so we can have something else to try out together.

For such a time as this

2007-05-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

God often pulls us out of a major season of life and ushers us into a new one without a day's hesitation. It seems abrupt and ungentle on God's part sometimes; He never waits til we say "i am ready." That's because life is time and time is change, so if we stop changing for a bit, we've stopped living... anyway, that's a different discussion.
My life has been undergoing some drastic changes. I moved to a new place in Longview a month ago, said a final goodbye to several of my dearest friends, started a new flight semester, and then God brought me an amazing woman named Charisma. I wasn't looking for her, but I suppose God was because since we met we have been given days full of opportunities to spend time together. She has opened up a new world of friendships to me, a new church, new and exciting things to do, not to mention a soft shoulder to rest on and Godly companionship second to none. She is an encourager, comforter and partner in a relationship that seeks to be honoring to one another and foremostly to God. She is teaching me so much about faith and hope and trusting God, with which she is gifted.
Without further ado, here is a picture of us on our way to DFW airport on Saturday morning. She flew out to Ohio on Sunday for to spend a week with her family and friends:

Here is us at trying to find our way to the Airtran terminal.

A step away from the security gate, and a few minutes away from sending her off to Ohio.
My 'travel buddy', her gift to me today, and her note, which is so far the best love letter anyone's written to me.
I met a seaplane instructor in Grapevine to get materials for my upcoming seaplane training. Here's me at Starbucks studying while waiting for Heather to arrive.

Heather Jennings, friend/acquaintance of two years. met her and spent a little time together at her apartment in Plano before returning to Longview.

Characteristics of heaven-goers

2007-05-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone is like me. Sometimes i lack the emotional attachment to my salvation. If i didn't know better, i'd be asking if i really have the final destination of heaven in my future. But we are not supposed to doubt, and for each season of wavering human faith is an answer in God's word to reassure me of my future in Paradise. In a previous quiet time, God brought this list to mind of what the Bible says about those who are saved unto eternity spent in the presence of God in Heaven:

1 They are prepared to be surprised by His coming (Matthew 25:1-3)
2 They are known by God (Matthew 25:12)
3 They are blesssed of the Father (Matthew 25:34)
4 Their hearts are willing to serve the unfortunate (Matthew 25:35)
5 They are sealed by the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13-14)
6 They yield fruit by the life of that same Holy Spirit in them (Galatians 5)
7 They are conscious of many divine promises (Ephesians 1:11)
8 They claim the divinity and supremacy of Christ as Lord (1 Corinthians 12:3)
9 They hold on to a hope of Heaven (Philippians 3:20-21)

Hope this comes as an encouragement to some fellow travellers.
Radar

To fly you

2007-05-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

I experienced a fascinating reflection on prayer when i was talking to a friend late tonight. She told me that one particular person had received better news of a situation, and she had expected me to remember said person. 'uh' was the word uttered by the silence, for i had forgotten. Then she had to jog my memory backwards until i could recall who she was talking about, and that's when i remembered that she asked me to pray for this individual. I hadn't remembered him tonight. Does that mean that i forgot to pray for him? At least in the recent past, yes.
God asks us to pray that His will might have course in His own creation. "Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." Divine purposes aside, prayer also keeps us in grip with our own reality and experience. What better daily memory refresher than prayer? Prayer also brings to mind what we neglected to retain over night - an important meeting, a bank account status, a suppressed feeling.
i will keep praying because God is gracious and knows what is best for us. Not only does the act of prayer position our hearts in submission to and active pursuit of God's will, but it also completes our knowledge for the day that will come in handy to do the right thing for ourselves and to bless others.
Like going to bed. I bet that if i prayed that i'd be in bed and get enough sleep, i would. The voluntary will on my part plus the intricately operating will of God meet, and it happens.
So, Lord, please grant me enough sleep tomorrow. I know it willl be good for me.

In other news, here's a cool story about missed church and a $100 check. So a week ago i was taking my check in to my church to pay my tithe from the week i had missed the week before. As i was walking the check in, i had one of those spirit's nudges that asked something quite odd - to add$100 to my check. "this will be your tithe for the next paycheck", the conviction assured me. As i wrote the new check, i thought, 'Ok Lord, i'm trusting you for $1,000 on this next paycheck.' Well today i got that new paycheck, and the gross pay was exactly 995,55. Getting any closer to $1000 was almost impossible.
He knows that i'wasnt' planning on being in Tyler for church this coming week. That was cool of God to orchestrate the money like that.
good and godly night,
Jonathan

Thoughts from the deep

2007-05-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

Does God weigh minds with instructions that seem, just, bizarre? Does He wake one in the early morning just to say "do thus and thus" and that seems like the most un-God thing that can enter our minds? I'll take another deserting student; i'll take another day of fasting; i'll take gladly another dead battery in my car. But this...why, God? if it is You that sent such an unsettling and discouraging duty in my mind. I can't beleive this would be His idea, at least i so do not want to. God gives us gifts for a reason; "all good things come down from the Father of Lights." Now this proposal in my mind is to push one of those best of gifts away.
He says that He will not take us through trials we can not brave and conquer, and that whatever hardships of mind or situation were only allowed by God to get through the holy heavenly barricades so He could use it to rebound our souls to Him somehow. Hm.
I pouted several times today as i thought about this word that seems so real, yet so unlike the God I know. Is this one of those tests of faith to prove my obedience and His supremacy in my life, as another Abraham to readily thrust the dagger into his beloved son's chest? Or is this in itself a proof-test to see if I beleive God for who He is and discount the wild idea as but a distraction from Him, the ultimate Fact?
God, Thou the eternal Iconoclast,
who melts away my perceptions of You
And i must needs know You better
For i am always late in knowing what You purpose.
May in this time nothing of eternal substance be Lost,
and in the many days, my mistaken perceptions be Few
I have sent to you thought, word and Letter
Now let the intent of Your heart for me arise to the obvious Surface.

--Radar

on performing

2006-10-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

this week has turned out quite successfully to this day. five of my seven students had a stage check (kinda like a flight quiz, but not the final exam), and now we get to continue on the next step of their training. early in the week, i learned about the date of LeTourneau's annual talent show, which is to take place next Saturday. perking my interest, i thought of a piano piece i could perform for it. i turned to my present project- Beethoven's 5th symphony for the piano -and reckoned myself of close enough profieincy to have it ready by next weekend. my audition was going to be this morning, so i practiced for hours and hours on wednesday and thursday night to get it to a point of having it at least memorized without hesitations. i'm glad that by this morning i did have it thus.
my friend Michael tells me that he doesn't like to perform in shows or recitals becuase he doesn't think it's right to put oneself up on a podium like that. so this week as i was thinking about him and thinking about myself performing in this talent show, i went back and forth between wanting to do it or not. or is it even right? that's a question i asked too. i came to a resolution on Wednesday that i would audition, and if they wanted me in it then i would go. that way i don't look like some pompous wannabe Beethoven, right?
as turned out, i wasnt' able to audition this morning because someone else was using the chapel during the time the coordinator and i had arranged to meet. so she deferred to what she already knew about my playing from past events (i've played background for a couple school banquets) and beleived that whatever i had was going to be good, so told me to just come to the dress rehearsal next Saturday and figure out where i'll be in the program.
after we parted, i went off and played somewhere else, and at performance tempo. because all day yesterday i played at a slow tempo, enough so my thoughts would be directly moving my fingers and hands in sort of a 'training' mode. during performances, i tend to transcend the motions of touching the keys and play automatically out of emotion and pleasure. it's hard to explain in other words. but getting up to that point requires tedious, deliberate 'hands go here, fingers switch here, etc.' practice for me. but once i pay that price, when i kick into performance mode, the music sounds really good. now that gives me a reason to want to do performances: if nothing else, it forces me to channel my energies and focus onto mastering a piece so i can play it better i thought i was capable. If and however the performance turns out next week, i'll be happy for the leaps of progress i made in preparing to perform it.

introspection

2006-09-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well today was one of those heavily introspective days, one where i look inside myself and look at what is going on and ask how i feel what i feel. indeed at this moment i do the same process because i'm writing on a blog now that people are going to see--and what's the point? the point is that at lease it runs out of my system like coals that have festered annd now pour down a dump chute. often what i put here are those worn-out coals. they once were burning passions that communicated for several minutes my feelings of awe and angst.
today was downer emotionally. yesterday i went through quite an experience to which my heart was sensitive, and the feelings didn't stay confined to the day. i was thinking one of those rare epiphanies in my life that i had met--- fill in the blank. But God moved me off that track at just the moment to make the encounter memorable and an edification towards the future. Today i was sulking because of what i had to do, and my heart payed for it. I was not emotionally 'there' for my students, and that hurt worse; i'm learning that a teacher has a 24-7 job, for to lapse is to fail my students. I was nearly moved to tears as i instructed my instrument student on the importance of setting the right pitch attitude in flight, because i was struggling with my own phychological attitude so much. Am i therefore a hypocrite also?
Add to this the new notion that i am failing my private student Leanne too. We have just one more scheduled lesson before she's supposed to have her stage check, and as i glance at what will be expected of her i can't help but silently beg for help and miracles, for i have not drawn out from her the skills and abilities expected of her at that stage check. In a way she reminds me of none other than myself when i got started flying. i was ambitious but not authoritative nor assertive in my training. I would to shake her out of it, but she's a girl-an 18 (or 19) year old girl who's gotta be overwhelmed by the sensationalism of flight training, and she's a sensitive soul to begin with. i could tell some flushing her her face for the second time today because of my demanding instructional communication. i know that it's possible to be too hard on her because her feelings will be hurt. yet i notice too her young person's procrastination and resignation mentality, a blend lethal to success in college or in flight. it's true that a young person doesn't identify these; he or she merely copes for years until the source is found. then they turn into a person like me, instructor living vicariously through seven unknowing subjects.

sometimes i get impatient because of the slowness of a new student's motions, but what hit me today was a reminder of my own critique to 'be loving before beign judgmental'. then i reviewed what love is as 1 Corinthians 13 says it: Love is patient, love is kind...love does not boast itself...love does not keep record of wrongs...love bears all things...love never fails. i can't do such on my own, but i find when I am willing then Christ takes over my attitude, my words, my plans. then He drapes this new perspective over my mind and it changes everything. Soon the trump shall sound and we shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

I ask next a question whose context means everything.
So, what's next for us?
in another sense, that question would have continued my walk down a wonderful, sacred road. But God said to keep waiting. so i'll keep doing what i do and being what I am, and once again, on a lovely day the feeling will be kindled again.
yet one wonders sometimes if one is wrong.
The Lord is my shepherd; i shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside still waters, he restoreth my sould. he leadeth me along the paths of righteousness for His names sake; yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. you fill my cup, and it runs over. surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and i shall live in the house of the Lord forever.

"A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether within reach of our inner selves, waitign for us to recognize it. GOd Himself is here waiting our response to His Presence. Thsi etermanl world will come alive to us the moment we reckon upon its reality"-AW Tozer

hm

2006-09-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

for those who are about to give up on me, i'll post another entry here tonight. those familiar with my blogging history of a year ago might think i would have died because my writing is so consistent. right, some days i wonder when i'll ever stop writing, and on other days i wonder if i will ever write another coherent statement ever again. i have several moods, and whether i write or not and what i write is a sure indication of which one i'm in.
i'm drinking italian soda right now; a new friend suggested it to me and i had an opportunity to get some tonight. it's my first time. i like it. anyone else ever not have italian soda?
today Texas brought out its best in the weather. 60 in the morning, 85 during the day. 85 feels cool, let me tell ya! after two months of living in an oven, even 93 feels cool now. however God has been merciful in that the air has been so dry. dry air means little of the humidity that attaches invisible insulation to one's body.
well i gotta go prepare for tomorrow. i may have the privilege of witnessing to a guy tomorrow. so i'm searching the Word for what God will have me to say. i have already been through one lesson, and that is to tell the Good News just like it is: you have sinned, God loves you, and he loves you too much to force you to earn your own salvation so He sent the only One who could, but it has to be by your choice to accept His salvation, and then you receive the anointing of the priestly order. pray if you think of me- no matter when you think of me!

had a talk

2006-08-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

i got to talk alot to Angela this afternoon because she was bored sitting in LAX on a layover. and i'm glad she called me. she was a willing listener, and for some reason i felt like i should keep talking. it was quite good for me, so thanks, Angela. thanks for letting me divulge what's been stirring in my mind that i usually don't get to share with anybody. how i miss a captive audience!
i am aware that i am one of those bottled-up people who comes out only in reaction to an external stimulus. as i grow up, i think i'm becoming more and more this way. no, it's not going to get me anywhere socially, and to spout my fears, i beleive some friendships are eroding because of me. i consider Josh, Randy, Angela, my own sister, Brian, Daisy...guarantee they've all noticed a difference. i just am not quick and interesting in conversation like i used to be, supposedly. perhaps the most persuading evidence is that i'm not pursued for it anymore. so few people come or write to me to just talk, and when they do, i can't help but sense that they go away so...unsatiated.
as a Christian, i guess i shouldn't crave so longingly for this- approval? attention? affection? whatever. or is it that i should't need the craving so much? When my heart is close to God, my earthly needs seem to deflate in proportion, yet when i am on that slippery slope away from Him, i feel i need more and more what is not Himself in the world.
such banter.
the instructor-student assignments are underway as i write. i have learned of two of my students so far. one of them i know (Adam Alonzo), and the other, in primary flight, is a girl. Her name is Leanne. I would be enthusiastic except for precedent. I beleive that she's a brilliant young lady and a promising flight student. But since history is the best teacher, I know that i'm going to have difficulty with her. for whatever reason (everyone is different) starting on a sour note is just inevitable; i seem to just have some major chemistry issues with girls who are my students. i will try to avoid conflict at all costs with Leanne and pray my way through each day. i don't know what it will take, but we have to begin right.
i'm presently reminded of the fervent prayers i have submitted to God for my students. all will be well.

meanwhile, i'm enjoying my last days of relative quietness and serenity. this place is about to come alive with students, and whether or not i am ready for it will be proven.
one thing about reality is that it melts away all wondering.

on Freshman girls

2006-08-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

in the next couple weeks, several new freshmen LeTourneau girls will inevitably fall into the net of some flashy upperclassmen who think they have it all together and can bring the girls into protective arms of care and affection.
then, inevitaby several of those relationships will meltdown and several of those girls will find a new guy a mere weeks later. i pity their hearts.
i just see it coming.
-switch topics-
i'm looking for a relationship with an older girl. by older, i mean my age and older. one who's out of school and doing her craft somewhere. but i even don't quite approve of that scenario either. in fact, not too many relationship setups appeal to me except the very easiest: nice girl i work with or go to church with, she's just like me, we click, we like each other, we get married, our lives mesh and everything is painless.
When considering a girlfriend, Money is always in the same frame of thought. "do you know how expensive she'd be??" i query me.
in college that's not how i thought.
even to go see my parents is costly.
to go anywhere is costly.
to know anyone is costly.
to try and develop a love relationship over distance and over time=costly.
at this time, when money is so tight, i can't help but evaluate every activity as in/out cash flow.
not that money is more important than being in love.
but it's essential. Essential. and i don't have enough of that essential stuff to support a relationship with.
i didn't think this way in college.
maybe i shouldn't be thinking this way. perhaps a relationship can transcend the need for money somehow.
never heard that one before.

time to let that one go. good night and happy Friday

maybe i'll be back at this again

2006-08-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone-
or should i say Hi my one and only Elmo b/c you're prob the only one reading this or noticed that i stopped writing. oh well. so what should i write about? these days have been nice and uneventful. i've had about zero stress this week. that's why it's been nice. i get to sleep in til 6:45 every day, go swim and work out for 45 mins, and get in to my office around 9:15 where i do stuff other than getting ready for my students (shame onme). some days i have a meeting on campus.
i've been practicing the piano extra because i'm trying to learn a piece that is very important to me: Beethoven's 5th on the piano. it's going quite well. in fact, i'll cut my writing shorter so i can go practice it before dinner.
money's kinda tight. i'm making a small salary right now, but the most recent paycheck was sent to the wrong account, so i'm keeping a close eye on the little money i do have in my checking.
I really don't have anything profound to say right now. sorry to be so shallow on my re-debut. hopefully i'll make a small habit of this and say something more substantial in the future.

singleness

2006-06-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

Remember the Swissman Andy Kradolfer? i really looked up to him, as he was a man of faith and wisdom. He and Daylon were a good pair; i wish i could have just hung around them more and hear them talk. I remember one time when Andy was talking about married vs. single, and what stuck to me about that conversation is that we need to be all the single person we can when we're single and all the married person we can when we're married. There's good things about both sides. Sometimes i think being married would be better, on my good days, but then i have a day when i'm just a pure ball of goofups and i'm telling my future wife under my breath, "i'm so glad you're not here seeing this right now!"
God will make me be what i need to be when i need to be it, but right now it does seem weird that i could possibly be married in 3-4 years. I admit, that long ago it seemed weird to be a flight instructor and flying airplanes, but that's where i am, and i am what I need to be when i put my mind to it.
As i am single, i am free to be more constructive in my career and yes "take advantage of" being single. I share with Randy's vision to make money to with which to help other people. Not only tithing but also directly touching other people's lives with my resources. But if i get married as those resources are just blossoming then you know where they're to go. I believe that the picture of my life that God's painting incorporates marriage, so as that becomes a concrete reality i'll need to rely more on God's wisdom for the dispersal of the resources my job generates.

On Wednesday, I am planning to fly with my student Brian Varnell to Galveston, Texas. It's on the shore of the Gulf of Mexico and a pretty place, i hear. We were about to go today, but the Duchess was late due to one of its tires going flat on landing, and that caused me to step back and remember what all i need to do the next 36 hours and reconsider flying til midnight tonight.
I hope that trip will be something to tell about on thursday.

Going home to where the heart is

2006-06-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

I made my plans for the upcoming break from school today. Randy found me a steal on airfare to Alaska--$380 round trip O'Hare-Anchorage. so i bought my ticket to depart July 30 and return August 9. i will still get to spend well over a week at home before and after my stay in Alaska. I'm so glad that i get to go again; i was praying for an objective confirmation to my hope to go. It's just heresay for now, but i talked to my friend Angela who's going to be a missionary in the village of Aniak, Alaska, and she told me she needs to make a couple trips to the village this summer--while i'm there! so my next desire is to go with her on one of those trips. Aniak is WAY away from Palmer/Anchorage-about 250 milesWest- and it would be one wonderful flight.
It's been a year, but my heart never left. I'm just sad already because i'll be there so short a time that i'll be thinking about leaving as soon as i arrive! God will direct my steps as i'm there.

JUst take it

2006-05-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

Today-just now- i received a compliment and encouraging word i desperately needed. and what did i do with it? threw it down and trampled it flat as if it were worth nothing.
someone on the outside-Mr. Baxter, a former lab instructor- has seen me work these past weeks in the sim labs, and today he brought all the thoughts from his observations into one moment and gave me a big compliment. He remembered my name and where I sat in his class four years ago. He is an experienced fella, and he knows people.
He told me --body language and all-- that he sees me as one who really likes what i do and that he sees few people who try so hard at their calling. and i took that compliment and added BUTs to it until i made the value of that compliment just small.
He made a special point to think out those words to me and then to step in and make them known.
He walked out before i finished my sentence starting with BUT. that was all he had to do to tell me 'fire so you don't accept my gracious words to you.'

nothing other than God's presence follows me more closely than my guilt. i have messed up so much since i got here, and haven't done so much and failed to act when i should have and forgotten so much...
yet i know it's only Satan trying to gnaw at my mind until my confidence fails because i'm making it. And people haven' t blown up at me. And most of my students still like me. And my car is still intact. Money is in the bank. Randy is finding a steal-of-a-deal on airline tickets to Alaska. I will grow with my experiences. I have hope of messing up less and forgetting less as I go along. I have hope of adapting and reaping and being a blessing.

I know you can't hear me, Mr. Baxter, but thank you...thank you for your compliment. i accept it and won't refuse it. it's helping me turn over a new leaf in my life.

The Almost $3,000 mistake

2006-05-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

Of all the stupid things i've done...of all the STUPID things i've done...of all the STUPID, STUPID..
Deep breath.

God has saved me from myself so many times by some miracle of timing. I'm serious. Today was one of the loudest examples. So i turned into the wrong entrance at LeTourneau-the one that, as i discovered, does NOT go to the loop. So i took a little jog around the workers' parking lot and got to the exit, and just as i got there, a big dump truck was headed North on Mobberly and needed to get in. Big truck. I could stay here, rear up, or go. Got half-second to decide cuz i'm in a hurry: GO. As soon as i committed my foot to the throttle, my brain sent messages of what i just may have just done to myself.
Mobberly is a tw0-lane road.
Big truck obstructs view.
I don't know if a car is on the other side of the big truck.
Body: brace for impact.

Half thinking this and half thinking to zoom as fast as possible across the lanes, i cleared the truck and as i travelled across the far lane, i looked to my left.
If i had hesitated for just 0.75 second, i would have hit that car.

I ought to have. My stupidity bought me such a consequence.
I should be out there negotiating insurance right now.
If i had been set back 0.75 seconds.

It's a wonder that i just received my new insurance quote from AAA in my email.

I would have had to say good-bye to Alaska.

How how do I live?
Thank you, THANK YOU, God.

i like these sayings

2006-05-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make
you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The
brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go
forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.

no title idea, sorry

2006-04-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

Flying and instructing is going very well, mostly. I love flying, and i suppose that's where i should attitude should camp out. But a few students of mine are having a hard time, and i worry about them all the time. One of my students got transferred last week to another instructor because we didn't get along well, and i complained alot about her and she complained about me to the chief and she eventually went to another instructor. I felt a bit relieved when she did, and i also felt she left me too late, but she also represented alot of work and time ($) on my part so i'm feeling the loss.
I fly with other instructors' students almost as much as my own. One of those told me today how that his landings had really improved after flying with me. I was thankful for that compliment! Another asked me to go with him on his multiengine cross-country, so we went to Houston on Saturday for a four-hour flight. We had a good experience with that one. My knowing i had to get IFR current was the catalyst for my grabbing an instructor to give me an IPC (instrument proficiency check) on the preceding Friday. I got some actual with that same student yesterday as we shot a couple approaches with clouds at 1700'
I reached 700 hours yesterday! I remember when i was saying i had just over 600- that seems just weeks ago. As of today, i have 702.5. I am inspired to make the next 100 hours the best ever , yet i don't know how they can possibly be better than the 150 in Alaska. I guess the way i do it is to spend every hour thankful for my privilege and with ambition to get better at what i do.
On the way to work this morning, i drove by some mexican guys digging some trench by the road and one standing there watching them. Obviously they worked for the city as road crew, and they were probably doing something important. But i couldn't but dwell on the thought that those guys probably get paid more than me. Then i thought about why people get paid what they do. I figure those people whose occupations affect other people to a vital end get more than those people affecting people to a light or frivolous end. The greater the influence on people, the greater the pay, generally. The way i see it, we pilots trade pay for prilivege. If you go to the Wright-Patton Air Force Museum you'll see a quote by some guy who calls flying the 'privileged position.' When you compare money to privilege, privilege is really of greater value. Having little money makes life simpler, anyway. As long as i know God's love is flowing into me and through me every day, filling life up takes less thought.

snippets of thought

2006-04-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Why can’t we turn on our Need-to mode during the semester? We thought we had time for get-out excuses. But now the only thing we have time for is answers to our dilemma. If only we had taken upon ourselves the no-excuses mindset earlier, we would have been better off by now.

Attitude is the internal opinion within us. Power is the force of change behind us. What we do with our attitude determines where God's power takes us. Attitutde plus power equals performance.

Giving one degree more of effort in my ambitions can mean the same difference between water bubbling and water boiling.

We live only because He is the vine and we are the branches.

One strategy I use as a pilot -- and I should use it in life more -- is to get stuff done way before I think I have to get it done. As pilots, we either keep up with the airplane or we don't, and in our lives we keep up with our responsibilities or we don't.
When we're disciplined, we throw off the weights that so beset us so easily and reach forward for the goal ahead. You gotta let go of those weights and chains hindering you.

Pictures from the week

2006-04-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

Usen on our way to Sugarland and houston on Saturday

a pretty view of an east Texas sky
my "just needs a prize" easter basket
LeTourneau from 1000'
Star student Daniel Grollimund

Blessed Easter

2006-04-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Today I...
Ate a feast.
made an easter egg basket.
hunted for easter eggs.
shot a spider web.
received an inheritance.
wrote to God.
swam in a natural pool.
prayed under a waterfall.
cycled a quarter-century.
saw a dozen mansions.
rode from country to country.
learned a lesson.

random thoughts:

The homes at Hunter's Creek off W Bar K Ranch road are the most GORGEOUS harmony between home and landscape architecture i've ever seen. homes in the South really have something against those i've seen
in the north.

Resisting temptation is hard. But living with guilt is even harder.

A moth lives inside its shell during its last days of metamorphosis trying to get out. If it got released when it wanted to, it would fall from its cocoon weak and frail. But when it has to work to overcome the resistance, it finally breaks from its shell and is strong and healthy.
If we were released from our challenges easily then we would be just as weak. " blessed is he who endures temptation, for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life"

to be a man

2006-04-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

A man is a very complex intertwining of extremes.
I got hooked to a book called Guard Your Heart, and more and more i'm seeing the truths that this book is revealing. Guys go from one drive to the next. We have God-given talents to provide, protect, procreate, persevere, praise, perform, be patient, patriotic. But we will also be passive, passionate, imPulsive, polygamous, perverse, pitiful, procrastinate, prejudiced, pressuring, pessimistic, prideful (those words all came from my head, by the way).
I didn't want to get up for work today. But now that i'm here i don't want to stop working. Being a guy is very weird. It's even scarier when i "notice" myself.
Women, on the other hand, are the moderators. They're very emotional because they feel the flux of change and pull back in resistance to it. We guys just deem it all OK and deal with whatever.
In considering all the differences between men and women, it would make sense for the "Wo-" prefix to mean "upside-down," as in "upside-down man."

I'm the obsessive, she's the moderator.
I'm the driven, she's the devoted.
I'm the attacker, she's the steadyer
I'm the pessimistic, she's the hopeful
I'm the passive, she's the ambitious

Whatever I am, she evens me out.
That's why when i find her, i'll have found a good thing.

come quickly

A glorious tribute

2006-04-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

The following was written by the wife of Ken Barth, who died two days ago in Bloomington, Illinois. Ken was the music director of Calvary Baptist Church in Bloomington, and his ministry was fruitful and far-reaching. It's strange to think of his being gone from this world because I still imagine Ken a bubbly, smiling, chord-banging, scale-ripping, high-note hitting, choir-leading man with a heart set in God's hands. Now he's gone, ya know? I'm feeling in one of those check-your-reality moments where i analyze if i've got my perspective on this life right.
We think about souls leaving this world as we think of a switch going from "on" to "off." He's here; then he's there. But it's not really that way. We have already made the change from our earthly to heavenly citizenship, belonging. Only heaven is suitable for us; only heaven is home. We are meant to be gathered in Christ and His eternal Life, for He is life.
Ephesians 1:13-14--"In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation..." And what a trust that is! To trust in what you do not see but have only heard about and felt in your heart and soul that it MUST be, it MUST be what is. "...in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption fo the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory." We're like a package lying in wait at the train station with a receipt inside that says "paid for by the Redeemer." In the station we wait, but it is most certain that He who purchased the package is on his way, and the road between Him and us is Time.

Anyway, here's the letter that Ken's wife, Mona, wrote:

Matt. 25:21 "Well done,thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: ENTER THOU INTO THE JOY OF THE LORD." While in the hospital, Ken made the decision to stop all treatments and said, " I am ready to lay my sword down." It brought to mind II Timothy 4:7,8: "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Henceforth, there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness which the Lord the righteous judge shall give me at that day and not to me only , but to all them also that love His appearing." Saturday, April 8, 2006, at 2:00 am Ken said to our son Mel, "I am going home , I'll see my new house and there will be no yapping dogs." (There are two very yapping dogs next door to us and they disturbed him greatly.) April 11,2006 at 4:00 PM, he went quietly and peacefully to His new Heavenly Home and entered into the Joy of his Lord.

The Lord was so gracious and kind to give us a few days with all the family here and Ken unusually alert and funny. What a precious time we had one afternoon as we gathered around his bed singing "God Is So Good" and reading scripture together. Ken very softly joined in for a few phrases. There are many good-bye tears, but being in the presence of the Lord as He sweetly ushered Ken into heaven was far better then watching him suffer just to have more time with him here.

As most of you know, for many years Ken has been busy at the Easter season directing the Easter Pageant. It was the great passion of his ministry for the last few years to make the story of Jesus come to life. Every year he tried to improve it, and the last couple of years he had a dream to add a scene to conclude the presentation that would demonstrate what it must be like as believers are welcomed into heaven. He was always determined to get the "heaven scene" just right. Isn't it amazing that at this moment he is experiencing for real what he was trying so hard to imagine. Easter will never be the same for us, but heaven will be more real.

As I was looking through an old Bible of his, I read in his handwriting:
"I dedicate my life to finishing strong. K. Barth 7/21/96."
That is what he did. He finished strong in love for his God, in his faith, his love for his family, church family and all those whose lives he touched. He never brought disgrace to his name or (more importantly) to God's name. For this we are praising God.

Thank you for all your love, concern, prayers & support.

Mona and the family

giving thanks

2006-04-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Sarah Medin gave our sunday school lesson for the week, and she challenged us to make thank-you cards to people who deserve our gratitude. She provided cards and envelopes so we can't make an excuse to not do it.
i took two cards and envelopes and thought that the first recipient should be the Wilsons. So i thought about writing it on Monday, then on Tuesday, and finally today comes around and I took the envelope and card with me to my orthodontist appointment and to the airport. Remarkably, my heart was leaning towards using that card to write a thank-you note to the people i came across today who did something especially meaningful to me. But i kept my preserved it still for the Wilsons despite impulses to write to Dr. Scott and his nurses for their kindness and service, Mary for her patience and endurance and peacemaking at the airport, Weldon Burnett for his tolerance of my changing stage check times and all else.
I found i have a lot of people to say Thank You to. And it's mostly for their grace and mercy; for, if i got what i really deserved, i would not be in good shape right now.
for all you who i didn't name here: Thank You!

picture post

2006-04-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

Student Jon Warren and me at Pecan Plantation airport, SW of Ft. Worth-Friday March 31

Daniel Grollimund, front, and Chip Rose and me at the Montgomery (Houston) Flight Service Station

Sign to prove we were there

here's my badge

the approach into Pecan Plantation

going through changes

2006-04-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

Of the several bloggers who i have or do read, only a couple/few touch and soften my heart. jacki sabota is one of those. she reminds me of the youthful faith i used to call my own, back when i was more trusting, hopeful, free. I don't know what has changed about me since i graduated or since the beginning of the year, but i know that and i know some of you know that too. Reading jacki's words refreshes my spirit and gives me that "peace in nostalgia, in memories." because when she talks about what her memories mean to her, i am reminded of what my memories mean to me, and i sometimes even wish back to the present that which i remember.

tonight i wrote in my prayer journal and spilled my fears to God and asked Him why they are there. Like Craig Miller played out in his hootennanny skit last night, i heard little tidbits of God's true Word in my ear as i pondered my questions.

One piece of evidence i have that points to God's existence and His possession of me is that when I bow my head to pray and dedicate my day and situations to Him, ideas and promptings spontaneously bubble up in me--ideas that i wouldn't have remembered if i tried but are essential to my day. I've proven this in the past week. I worked for 60+ hours the past seven days and just like me found ways around prayer time. Misguided, unexcusable decisions and omissions proceeded on a few of those days because i made them on my own power. But when i prayed those few times, a whole lineup of stuff to say and do streamed into my mind and taught me the steps i should take.

How has flight instructing been going? Well, it has highs and lows. I am not much higher than mediocre as far as adequacy is concerned, but i do know how to give instructions, and then the need to have greater-than-mediocre patience is called upon when students don’t follow instructions. The same is required when i am teaching and the student appears to be dazed, half-conscious or lost. Talking just to hear myself speak isn’t all that bad of a deal, but the fact stands that if what i’m saying does not sink in, then my student is toast on the examination. I’ve discerned myself as getting more hardheaded as the weeks transpire because i feel i need to project a figure of non-slacking, high-expecting, success-demanding teacher. Although that may churn out a pilot or two, i’m concerned that my coming across as such would cause me to lose my students. I can demand alot, and golly do i need to demand more. I’m not really laying down the rule right now because i went through my training aware of my own behindness and ignorance, so i would study and practice and create means to make ideas permanent in my head so i wouldn’t be so below average. I thought i was slow by default; therefore i put alot of energy into compensating for my deficiencies. But it took getting to my ‘perch’ to learn the dividing attribute of students/pilots: those who try more than they need to and those who don’t try enough. The issue is not one’s intelligence; it’s of one’s awareness of the scope of knowledge and skill to be attained and stamina to go at length and effort to assimilate all of it. What disappoints me is the lack of sense of responsibility in some kids—some seem to infer that i do all the work unto learning for them. I may as well say “i’m going to learn you today airspace and cloud clearance requirements.” People, please take the initiative upon yourselves.

One is going camping for two days this weekend. And this person didn’t know what Vx is in the Skyhawk we’ve flown for 23 hours together. This bothers me.

I want to be the kind of teacher who loves my students into learning.

God, bless me with the talent to do just that, and change me to be useful for whatever Your purpose.

Do not be of a neutral mind. Contemplate what positives surround you and always consider things how they are and what they need to be.

James 1 says that our lusts conceive sin. It’s appalling where my mind will derail to when i give it an inch of slack. Appalling. I think satan always leads us to sin using questions of “what if?” The mind in subjection to Christ and obsession with God and His life will think about “what is?” and not fall prey to lust.

It’s late enough.

Me fly lots

2006-04-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

If there were a LeTourneau graveyard shift for flight instructors, i'm definitely top on that list.
Tonight I had my fourth late flight in five days (er, last night since it's 1:30Am now) and it was quite an experience for my student and myself. I sympathize for him because it was his first x-C and for it to develop and climax as it did probably shut off for awhile his fun-senses about flying. It was a real throw-out-the-books cross-country for him. We started off late because of some issues i could have controlled better, and i discovered that he hadn't completely planned for the route so we spent time on the ground at our first airport figuring out the rest of the planning. Then on the way back we encountered unrelenting, unexpected and fierce headwinds and were getting groundspeeds of 90-95 knots all the way home despite just sub-redarc power setting. Curfew for LeTourneau flight ops is 11:30p, which means that all airplanes need to be landed by that time. I knew we'd be arriving uncomfortably close to that time and tardiness was the most likely outcome, so i tried to find an altitude that would provide the fastest groundspeed and found, albeit too late, that 1,100' MSL, about 700' AGL was the place to be. My poor student was over there wondering what in the world was going on, and why is this crazy instructor so picky about holding heading and not climbing and querying constantly "are we gonna hit anything at this altitude?". He did get himself a very rich experience, however, because it was necessary to utilize all resources to accomplish a goal of getting home on time. That's flight management that cannot be planned for.
WE landed at 11:34 and 40 seconds, so once inside the office I wrote a letter to Mr. Burnett confessing my sin and explaining why i did it. My prayer is that he will forgive me and, most importantly, that i will learn from tonight.

Now if you'll excuse me, i need to get my four hours of sleep before my 7AM multi flight.

What i love about Sunday

2006-04-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Kelly, an old- sometimes former - sometimes old- friend of mine said to me a week ago that i'm welcome to come up and talk to her about what it's like to be out of school. Sundays are a definite plus about being out of school and into the working world, especially with a Christian establishment. In the previous two Sunday afternoons, you'd have found me napping either outside or on my bed oblivious to work that may have required my attention at the time. In contrast, a student's Sunday is catch-up day, assuming i was a typical student. I was always burned out by Sunday. But now i get to indulge my desire to recover from the energy deficit.
After waking up and talking to Angela for an hour, i motivated myself enough to go for a ride. I went down Sam Page road to Sarah and Tim's house, where i got some water and an orange. Coming from there was the best part of the excursion. The humidity dropped remarkably, I felt fast and dashed along at a pace that reassured me that i still had the strength for speed.
What was happening in my spirit was more significant, though. Riding has traditionally brough a spiritual and physical high that i cannot get anywhere else. As i ride, i like to think and pray about all sorts of stuff. And i've been missing out on it for months. Now that i was actually back, memories of back when flooded in, and i felt as if God were reminding me of who i was, what i usually think about, during our times out. I began to see myself as a made-over person looks at his pre-transformation picture. I saw myself as this perverse, shallow, negative, pessimistic shadow of a thing, and i knew immediately that i gotta change. Worrying and mental grinding and coveting and lusting have all got to fall away because i cannot spend a life deep in that mire. And i was carrying guilt, tremendous guilt of not being good enough, of failing everybody and being potential of nothing useful. Think about that--of all God has done for me, and after my heart's belief that i am the sealed and peculiar child of God, i still make room in my mind for temptations to dwell and multiply until they choke my joy and contentment in God.
So i decided to throw off all negatives and pray. Now, it's so interesting how when we pray, off-topic matters come to our attention. Once i'm thinking about God making me a positive person, then about His showing his love through one husband to his wife, then about His marvelous craftsmanship on every part of me.
It's good to be in the Light.
------

This makes up for the void

2006-03-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

I bet i have lost readership in the short season i've been in Texas so far. I just have not been writing consistently or at a level that would provoke good thought. But the object is to write for myself and not be concerned with by whom or whether i am read, right? RIGHT? interesting objective to contemplate, that is for sure. In fact, i rethink that objective every time i consider writing. I thought about this Sunday, and Monday and Wednesday. ARe you guys disappointed that i haven't been writing? I'm worried that you are. Number 1, you come to mind now as a person who's maybe regretted looking here night after night and have eventually given up. I can't make any promises that i'll change back to 'normal'. If you pray for me, i will write more. I miss writing alot because this is therapeutic and i would and am giving up sleep to stay up and write because i'd rather express what means alot to me or is weighing me down than to carry the intentions to do so into tomorrow. Everyone lets out their joys and sorrows eventually; it's those who release them in a controlled manner that are different from the rest of the everyones.

Besides that reflection on Sunday, i had another which i did not share with the guys in Randy's bible study. We were discussing Romans 13:8, for one, in depth, particularly the section "Owe no man any thing, but to love one another..." What that means, as i learned from Sunday's insights, is that we can repay every debt we can to our fellow humans except for one: loving each other. We have an infinite debt of love to pay to others because God loves us infinitely. Would it make sense for one beloved creature to not love another creature made by the same God? Indeed not, for we would then be brought to question why God takes the trouble to love us. Moreover, God's love that commands we share is limitless.

You can never love enough. Love itself works within us the same as knowledge--the more you know, the more you are aware of how much you do NOT now. If I love a lot, the more I become aware of what or whom I do not love. We Christians ought never be atrophying in our love for others. If we are--watch out! We must examine ourselves and see whether our proximity from the Source of love is furthering. The root of the matter is what we must attend to before the fruit.

---

I've had a really good week. Monday I had a 13-hour workday flying and teaching ground and simulator blocks. I played racqueball with Usen at Solheim and lost all three games, again. I have one win on him over 1.5 years of competition.

Tuesday I tried to get my student pilot Sam Romero to solo, but the weather deteriorated and she forgot her license. But i was able to get the paperwork in order and ready for the next attempt. Tuesday night I went flying at night in the Duchess (our multiengine trainer) alone and practiced night landings, slow flight and steep turns. That was a blast! The occasion was also my first flight alone in the Duchess.

Wednesday was really special. I went riding for 8 miles around the country road
i live on then went to the airport to meet Sam to have another go at soloing. She was doing poorly during the first 1.3 hours of our session because she would never keep the nose pointed at the end of the runway during the flare, so her tendency was to land sideways and skid the wheels til they straighted out themselves. I felt then as if i really came down on her, but she was unfazed and kept trying. If there ever were a time --other than you , Angela--when i felt angry at a student for not listening to me and following instructions, that was it. But when she finally got the impression that i mean what i say and she'd better get it right then she did alright. Her last three landings were wonders to behold. I tell ya, amazing the things students can achieve when they just follow instructions!!

She soloed after sixteen practice landings, and I cheered and took pictures and
hugged her (she wasn't all into the hug thing though) and made that very special line in her logbook that says "First Solo". By the way, she was my first initial-solo student because mine in Alaska--Jared, Angela and Brian-- i endorsed for their solo cross-country only.

Another aspect of Wednesday that made it so special was the date: 3-29. Exactly a year ago, then Tuesday 3-29-05, I took and passed my initial CFI (flight instructor ) checkride. Now my first solo student is soloed exactly a year after that glorious day. Very cool how God works days out like that.

Today, Thursday, was my day to play background piano music for LeTourneau's Career Skills banquet. Few good feelings in life match up to performing the piano well in front of people. It is such a blessing to translate feeling into song for others to hear.
I have a little criticism of my own professional manners tonight. Twice i was acknowledged and applauded for by the announcer and attendees at the banquet, and i just kinda locked my head and body in forward halt and didn't look around or smile and wave to those giving my applause. It wasn't really humility or indifference, but i'm sure that whatever it was it didn't appear as gratitude for THEIR approving applause. So i regret my not participating that extremely rare but jubilant moment.

The person who prayed over the event shared a very interesting but true observation. He noted that in formal settings such as the one this evening where everyone is dressed up and your behavior is expected to be proper, guys feel most awkward in contrast with ladies. I wholeheartedly agree with that too because even as he spoke, i realized how tense i was and how i did not feel at ease within the present context. I never have. But what I do enjoy is being dressed sharp, getting served in decadence and seeing cute girls i know looking absolutely slammin'.

Bedtime!

Samantha Romero ^

how things are going

2006-03-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't written about this week at all, and alot has happened along the way. Since i'm feeling overwhelmed by the thought of sharing details, here's the basics of what this week has entailed. Monday: First multiengine block in ten days; my student and i were both making little errors in judgment and procedure, but we concurred to just get over it emotionally and trust that we're better in the long run. After we landed, a pair of A-10 Warthogs

landed and taxiied to the main airport terminal where Stebbins FBO is. I promptly drove over there after work and watched one of the A-10s take off and talked to the pilot of the other. He walked me up to his plane and let me look in the cockpit and got pictures there and by the gun. The A-10 is one of my fantasy aircraft; i.e. one i covet most to fly, and to see my first live one was quite a thrill!

Tuesday:Taught the Flight Science 1 lab from 3-5; that was fun.

Had dinner with close friend Michael Cross and had one of the most profound and heart-to-heart conversations of the year. i remember it so vividly now, too. In short, Michael has a relationship with a girl named Annie, and he and she are a love story written by God. I mean,almost every part of it is perfect, for she is his resolution to all his life's wondering and waiting and preparing. She's made for him. He cannot wait to "walk off that podium into that lovely woman's arms."

Went to our CFI meeting then played racquetball with Usen for an hour and worked out til 10.

Wednesday: Virtually a day off except for FS1 lab. Felt dozy through it

Today: sat in a ground block with one of my students and flew touch-and-goes with another for an hour. She's close to getting her feel for landings. I had a great time teaching today's FS1 lab. Tonight David invited me to dinner with his family and Randy. Joe's diner, we're coming hungry!

picture post

2006-03-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

my new office at LeTourneau hangar

here's me with Matt Wolf, a 2-lesson-only commercial student.
my new room
Mary Jackson creating a monster- we had to renumber our Skyhawks to their former registration numbers.

Our neighbor's pool to which i am given unlimited access !!! :-)

i like this quote

2006-03-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

Winston Churchill

I bade 'em good-by, but i can't

2006-03-18T22:27:00.001-08:00

it was a summer filled to the brim of enchantment, delight and charm, and hardly anyone can appreciate the pictures, the words and the videos we have to remember it by except the blessed few who were actually there. Only we were surrounded by the wonder and beauty of that summer, and only our hearts were penetrated by that ever-present purity of a place set apart by God to testify of His magnificience and glory. The words of Downhere's Great Are You ring in my ears as i glance at the two-dimensional captures of unrepeatable yesterdays. "It makes me wonder, Who am I? Who am I? and great are You."

There God embraced me and showed me what He wants me to keep doing throughout my life. He wants to consume my purposes in His, and He is a dauntless pursuer of my attention, my heart, my love. He knows what satisfies me, and He brings me to those pleasures. Even when i feel torn from what i thought was good for me, he softly grasps my clawing, straining hand and comforts me enroute to His next big plans for this precious child of His.

Yes, he knows what satisfies me, what speaks to me and what solaces me. He brings me to all the right places, and each He has prepared for me.

Alaska bumped up my capacity for thrills, adventure, romance and worship far beyond what I had in the lower 48, and sometimes i appeal to have her back when the times here are droll and hollow. If one could see into my heart, you may think that i crave in excess the dangers, high of emotion, richness of fun that i learned there. Inside is a yearning to flourish, but i know that i may get to be that way only in Alaska.

Special

2006-03-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

Just four hours ago, I was considering the words to my next post to be something to the effect of "I just don't feel like posting now, so i'm just going to make a list of what i've been up to and call that good."
Fortunately for my avid (haha!!) readers, the recent hours have turned around my passiveness, and now i have something interesting to write. My spring-break-only student Matt and i went flying this afternoon to work on his instrument skills-but not only his; mine too because the airplane we were in was our Garmin 1000 equipped new Skyhawk. Information is presented differently on this instrument. Instead of six clock-shaped "steam gages" that each present a separate piece of flight information, the G1000 is a single screen displaying a picture-in-picture style rendition of the plane's altitude, heading, airspeed and attitude. In teaching instrument flight using the G1000 to my student today, i was able to learn many very handy shortcuts, if you will, to reading and interpreting flight information on the system.
I was just jealous that HE got to be the one to hold uninterrupted attention to the pretty 10 by 8" screen.
As soon as we took off, we noticed that the clouds and mist in the sky were lower than reported, and though we could see the ground easily from 3,500', we could barely see the horizon. It was VFR still, so we continued. About an hour through our lesson, i was demonstrating the use of the VOR when we saw the clouds illuminate dimly. The rainfall also intensified, and now we were relying solely on the GPS to determine what our position was. I couldn't see more than two miles of ground below. So we are on the edge of an incomiong thunderstorm, it's raining and we can barely see. Time to go back!
Returning to the airport was interesting. Again, barely two miles of ground was visible, and Matt was over there under his grey hood trying to hold the altitude and heading i was ordering, and however unsuccessful he was to get both tasks correct, he was still flying the plane and enduring this experience bravely.
On our "TV screen" we watched our little white airplane making its way toward the runway, and that was all we had for orientation; i had no idea where we were by looking outside. I flashed the radio over to ATIS to get the current info on visibility and ceilings because they may be too low to legally fly into GGG's class D airspace. Information Alpha reported 6 miles and 4000, and that's legal, so we proceeded onto final on runway 35 and continued making the radio calls. Matt took his hood off and identified buildings and lights close to the runway, and though we could see them we couldn't see the runway though it should be within two miles away. Finally about a mile out, we noticed the VASI and runway threshold and lined up with the runway. Just then i had a thought I thank God for! I knew that the visibility was way below 3 miles, and here we were making a VFR approach. Although the current ATIS said 6 miles, the next info was sure to be different, and if i am discovered by ATC to have landed below minimums, nothing good can come of that. With about 200' of altitude to lose, i got on the radio and said "Tower, Skyhawk 97A, just to cover myself, i'd like to get a Special VFR clearance into class D here." As if the controller were anticipating my request, he replied immediately, "Skyhawk 79A is cleared Special VFR into East Texas Regional airport, cleared to land runway 35."

This experience was quite intense for my young student, as it was for me! We lingered in the airplane for about ten minutes letting our hearts rest and minds relax. When i got the new ATIS, it reported 2 1/2 and 4,000 - greater than what i expected but confirming of my suspicion to request a Special.

I praise God for another exciting flying adventure to add to my memories!

----
As for the rest of the week, i've been helping Tim and Sarah Medin paint and move into their new house, which is, strangely enough, across the street. I went to their house Monday thru Thursday and worked long and was fed well, and they were planning on being done with moving by this afteroon. But given the heavy rain and cold, they may put off that goal another day.
Speaking of Tim, the other Tim from Peru has called me a few times after a month's silence to talk about the claim that I filed with the Ill. Dep't of Labor. The Department is researching my case, and they've engaged Tim's company already and he's not liking it. I was flying during each time he called, and that's good because Mom knew what was happening before I did, so she advised that I not talk to him.
I got my first paycheck yesterday! It's not a big amount, but i'm encouraged because the next paycheck should be more than double this one. I'm thankful that i may be able to live off my own income soon. We'll see what God has in store.

Lesson prep

2006-03-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

I read Luke 6 this morning and later used a verse to exhort one of my students. In the end, i was the one most deeply spoken to. Verse 45 says that "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good...for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh." We know the mind is what stores things up in the heart, so if we can equate our heart to a treasure chest and our thoughts to the jewels in the treasure chest, it makes sense then that the proverbial treasure will overflow into our words and actions.
Since our thoughts are as jewels, this impresses a great responsibility to choose only the good jewels into our treasure chest. We will bring forth good deeds and words as we store up good treasure in ourselves. The challenge is to be courageous enough to reject the alluring imposters and to take only the truly good treasure into ourselves.

----

Two students so far this week, and alot of work and progress so far.
---
I'm helping Tim and Sarah (David Wilson's daughter) paint their house in the evenings.
---
Randy is in NC visiting Angela and others.

First students

2006-03-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

i now feel what it's like to work all day and not be up to doing anything else productive after. I have taken on at least six students now, but the real busyness won't pick up until after spring break. I fly alot next week, but it's going to be the not-normal hours. So far i've flown with four students once apiece; three were in the Skyhawks and one was in the multiengine Duchess.
I had a profound reflection just as i finished the after-flight briefing this afternoon. Teaching is easy. Instilling, on the other hand, is a different ballgame!! A student's receptiveness and my clarity need to merge at the same time or else this endeavor of learning is rendered ineffective. My student today, i felt, was of the unreceptive type-not by will, perhaps, but by the readiness and attitude he brought to the lesson. Oh i was teaching well. I felt good information flowing from my lips, but my words seemed to go only as far as that. I had so much to share, yet it wasn't of enough value, i suppose, to be written down.

I recall yesterday to be encouraged. This student is working towards his multiengine rating in the multiengine Duchess, and he was given to me by another instructor. He's going to be a joy to fly with (while he's yet with me!) because not only does he have natural ability, he's also very calm and attentive to my critiques. He is so good at, well, almost everything i ask him to do.

All students need good instruction. All students need lessons instilled in them. The former I can do; the latter only WE can do.

Phew!

2006-03-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

The world is whirling around me, and i'm feeling quite overwhelmed with new students and my new class piling on me all at once. So far, five students have been assigned to me, and add that the students i have in flight sim lab. I have three sections of lab at an average of seven students each. So i'm getting to know lots of new people at once, but fortunately i am familiar with two flight students. I also have big shoes to fill because they are being handed over to me from some quite experienced instructors.

Now i have to go to meet Susan Wilson at the ROC so i can help her prep for David's surprise birthday party.

my new email, in addition to skybound7@gmail.com is

JonTack@letu.edu

and my office number is 903-233-4288

no one can fly enough

2006-03-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

A week after my arrival, i am now plugged into the system and authorized to give flight instruction in most courses. I start instructing in a couple days, and i attend my first flight instructor meeting in five minutes.

Instructing here doesn't pay much, but as i now see, money isn't the bottom line; i've got so many privileges and conveniences at my disposal that i don't know what to do with. Read 2 Corinthians 9:8, the verses that encouraged me the most at this time last year. God is faithful!!

Brief update

2006-03-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

For those who are still reading because you trust that, despite my sporadic writing, i'm still alive, know that i'm doing extremely well down here in Texas.

I'm spoiled with God's grace. Yeah, I'm so blessed. I got here on Tuesday night, and the Wilsons had dinner waiting for me, then they showed me my room-where the bed was already made- then the fridge-where Susan said basically i'm welcome to eat whatever i see. In the front of the house is a well-tuned Baldwin baby grand, and there's a creek and pond in the back yard--that's WATER, folks, a sight for the privileged in East Texas.

Then i got to the airport on Wednesday and i discovered that i don' thave to pay now for my CFII training. I have to pay for it eventually, but not immediately. and they want to train me on the glass Skyhawks.

I had my first experience with the Garmin G1000 yesteryday. I sat in the back seat with Esther Topham and Tim Black and just stared at the pilot's screen for the majority of the time. Every shape, color and motion of the features were so beautiful. And I"m thinking to myself "this is what got me into aviation." I'm so excited to teach myself the system. It's gorgeous, man, really gorgeous.

I haven't been handed students yet, but i'm getting ready. Today i got signed off to teach in the Skyhawk after just one flight-that was a good accomplishemtn for me, and i felt that Mr. Burnett himself was impressed with my flying. After I "fill my prescription" of practicing by myself 2-3 hours, i expect some students to be sent my way.

Your prayers for strength of mind, wisdom and stability and safety would be appreciated at this time.

Sorry, i haven't got pictures yet!

Truly God is good to Israel and to such as are of a clean heart -- Psalm 72:1

Hello to Texas

2006-03-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

Greetings, Texas land, air, and all dwellers therein. God has been generous in giving me a warm reception from all places and people. I enjoyed a raving welcome so far these two days: Faces from the not-too-distant past appear beside me and remember my name with gladness, but i remember a mere majority of them. I'm told that i was walking into chapel and some people talked about me. I came to the airport this morning and Rick Bartmas, a good friend of mine who now instructs, shouted "Hey everybody, Jonathan Tack has entered the building!" Rumors floated around the flight student/instructor body that said i was coming back, and i have been so heartily greeted again.
I completed paperwork for employment and got my official LeTourneau University faculty/staff ID card. Insurance forms, emergency contact info, tax forms, all that is done. The paperwork is going through so smoothly. A LeTu CFI manual was given to me, and my first block of standardization is scheduled.
The chief flight instructors will have to hand their students over to me as the semester moves on because they need to be freed up to administer stage checks. That's the prime motivation for bringing me here now.
Turns out, i'll also be taking over the flight science 1 lab because the current instructor, Stevi Peace, is very pregnant and is due in a month.
I have the opportunity to work at the desk at Randy's church.
I need to start taking responsibilities at Dave Wilson's house eventually.
I have more work possibilities than i can say Yes to.
Praise God!
---
I was reading in Psalm 25 this afternoon and came across a verse worth contemplating. It was the 14th: The secret of the Lord is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant." Sometimes i feel convinced that God has helped me understand concepts of this existence and creation of which few others are aware. And i know it's of him becuase i become more conscious of God's ways and word. I want to fear Him more so i can behold more of His secrets. What a special privilege is that!

Romans 8:28

2006-02-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

all things do work out together for His purpose!

How i got to where I am today:
Didn't have CFII so didn't stay in Alaska as a CFI
didn't get instructing job at Peoria
Lost job in Peru
Mr B needs instructor, wrote me up

What is down at LeTu for me
multi, PIC and IFR time
almost-free housing
original ortho
friends
familiar system
pianos
airplanes
disciplined students

What may not be at LeTu for me
the perfect girl
full-body air conditioner
vertical-hung stoplights
Crossroads church
infinite food

Who i promised to keep in touch with while i'm there (address, phone)
Fields
Howertons
Sunghee

Walk On

2006-02-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, this is probably my last installment from the current location of "home" before Time scoops me up and delivers me to a place called Texas. A season of easy-going, discovery and planning is come to a close, and i can say that albeit a terrific opening, end has been sweet.
So far, i've enjoyed very memorable time with the people who mean the most to me. On Friday, i spent a few hours at Wendy Miller's house helping her and her husband Greg pack and move. For those of you who don't know Wendy--i'm certain that would make ALL of you -- she's a lady whose God-given inner beauty just radiates. She has the 'law of kindness' on her lips, and she's habitually in a positive and fun demeanor. Her three daughters Mallory, Meagan and Maisy are the most adorable as can be. What she said to me that was memorable is a response to one of my words of gratitude; "it's not me" was her reply to my thanks for her kindness. That's gotta be true, too, if the Spirit is really living in me. I try to be kind, loving, patient, sometimes by coersion, and it's in trying that i fail miserably because those values are not of me; they're of God. When i am around people like Wendy Miller, Brenda Howerton and Emily Field I see people who say in their hearts, "God, it's my will to be loving, kind, gentle; meet me here and work through me." and in loving, we are loved; in blessing, we are blessed; in nurturing, we are nurtured. The hand that gives a rose cannot but smell of the aroma too.
On Saturday my dad drove DJ and me to the Museum of Science in Industry in Chicago-my sixth trip to Chi-town this year. The museum has undergone many modifications since the first time i remember it. A couple things that have not changed are the IMAX theatre and the airplane displays. The IMAX is, of course, the best TV screen ever created because it's shaped like a dome and fills up your entire visual field. The very first movie i saw in it was a production called Blue Planet, when I was in 2nd grade. I wrote my very first real journal entry on that show. One detail you might find interesting is what through my head when i experienced this IMAX theatre back then. I thought walking through the sequential strobe-light hallway leading to the theatre was a simulation of travelling warp-speed through space to get to a different planet. The effect was nearly real, because when i saw the theatre with its big concave screen i felt in a different place. The movie itself brought me bigger-than-life images of other countries and space images. As I watched the Africa space footage, i felt lighter in my seat and imagined that if I jumped toward the screen, i'd fall through space and land in some desert and have to walk back to Chicago somehow.
Older and wiser now, hopefully, I am aware that jumping toward a video screen will not take me to Africa, but i can still be captivated by a place without actually being there. Yesterday we saw a documentary on Greece, since the LeTourneau group went there on the trip before mine to Egypt. The footage of flying along the rocky shores of the Mediterranean were spectacular. I got the feeling back as if I were in the plane flying low and dodging rocks, as i did in Alaska. I smiled alot.

Today was very, very blessed. I woke up knowing what was going to happen in general, but God unfolded the rest of the goodness by the hour. Rachel Howerton and her family had invited me to lunch, so before Crossroads i got some of Ellen Field's cookies from the freezer and ran over to Walmart and bought Welch's white grape juice for lunch and a bag of Starbuck's decaffeinated morning blend as a gift for Rachel and Abby. On the way to Crossroads I was thinking, and an old lesson revived right then. You know, from the first minute of the day, i set out to enjoy being with the Howertons and make our time together something to remember. Then i recalled from a sermon that if we are to have enjoyment to the fullest of God or anything, we will praise that which we want to enjoy. I tell ya, it works! And if we are to remember a moment, we will give something in that moment. I decided on a dime in Walmart that i would buy some of Abby and Rachel's favorite stuff: coffee. Why? Because in addition to expressing my praise of them, i was also guaranteeing myself a memory of them. I must give something to a moment for that moment to be given to me.
Anyway, lunch was great, the company was fabulous, and i was just blessed to be in this time again with the howertons. Even though i keep coming back to them, they take me back as a friend just as if i belong. I have subconsciously tacked on my back "Failed to Launch" for the past year because i'm still legally living at home, and though i leave alot and suggest permanent Awayness, i always have come back. Those people who have said "keep in touch" find themselves me literally doing that, then i leave again and come back again and i play mindgames of these people saying "don't you stay away?" I don't know if this is the tempter suggesting lies, but it does contribute to my feeling uneasy; i am 'underneath expectation.'
Moving along...i then washed the dishes after lunch and helped take some of their belongings to our vehicles; the Howertons are moving. I thought it a crisis at first because the Howertons and their home was an icon of Bloomington; there I fell in love with Rachel and her family, and they became to me the model family unit. Nourishment, nurture, peace and belonging are all synonyms of the Howerton home, and up til now I associated the family with the home. But i realize today that the home will move with the family, and though i will miss their petite, lovely house, their spirit will move with them into their new house and soon it will feel like one in the same.
Oh, their new house is amazing.
Much to my surprise, Abby came to Bloomington today! She decided yesterday to come, after telling me earlier in the week that she was not. I was very glad to see her again. I'm also relieved that i experienced no emotional, romantic attachment to her. I joined her at her parents' house shortly after i unpacked stuff into the Howerton's new house, and as usual i was treated with aviation-speak with Mike and delicious fruit and cookies from Ellen (Mrs. Field). I've received a volume of encouragement from Mike in respect to my career. He remembers so much from his flying days and from the Navy, and he expresses that what i'm getting into is a good thing and he's very proud of what i'm doing.
I wonder sometimes if God had planned for me to meet Abby so that i may meet her parents too.
Emily gave me 1.5 doz of her peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies -fuel for my drive tuesday- and the family gave me a warm farewell as did the Howertons.
After i left the Fields', i drove to ISU to pickup Sung-hee and take her home, and she invited me to Mandarin Garden restaurant for dinner. That was a very unexpected blessing.

I'm thinking now about dating. I know the kind of girl who would be a compatible dating personality for me:
she will enjoy just spending quality time together and not necessarily the 'how' of it. I love quality time. I loved going to Kroger and the mall with Abby because I was with her. I loved helping Wendy and the Howertons pack because i was with them. I loved painting Jonathan's house and getting dirty as a pig because I was with him. I'm not a good conversationalist nor entertainer, but i relish the presence of some people. and that's the kind of person i need to find.

i've been thinking about my past as an irretrievable scapegoat. one example of my failing memory happened today. i was walking near the piano the Howerton's basement where I saw sheet music for the sacred piece "Praise my soul" Scanning the first page, it occurred to me that the music was familiar to me. I felt impulses in my hands as if a tune i'd taught them were reawakening. But i couldn't remember when or for what I learned the piece. SO I asked Rachel when she came down, and she told me I played that piece for her and for chapel once. But i could not remember ! it was so characteristic of the issue of my deteriorating memory.
Fortunately, the scapegoat came back today. I found my collection of journals and letters that I both wrote (then copied) to friends and also received from them. These letters date back to 1997, so I get to have nearly nine years of Past to get brushed up on.
One of those letters was written in May 2001 by Rachel. For Rachel, it was malicious and discomfited me at the time. But as I read it tonight for the last time, I realized how complex an issue i created for myself back then. Now, being older and wiser, hopefully, I know precisely what I would have done. "Rachel, i'm crazy for you and you've captivated me out of my own dimension. What do you feel? " Total honesty is what we needed. Total honesty or nothing. To live with less is too much hassle. And what does Usen say about hassle? You're not meant to be involved if it's too much of that.
Rachel asked me awhile ago to destroy that letter, so i read it for the last time, crumpled it up a little, burned it a little, soaked it a little, and disposed of it inside a little sandwich bag.

Submit yourselves one to another!

quotes

2006-02-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

Careers are the avenues by which God brings individuals to His children so the former can partake of His love.
-me

The way to happiness: keep your heart free from hate,
your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much.
Fill your life with love. Scatter sunshine. Forget self, think
of others. Do as you would be done by. Try this for a week
and you will be surprised. -Norman Vincent Peale

Friends and inspirations

2006-02-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

One best friend from LeTourneau wrote me last week and told me he had 'news'. These days, 'news' from my close friends usually is synonymous with 'i found a girl and i like her alot.' Such was the case for Michael. He met a brilliant young lady who's the lead singer and violinist for a small Christian band. She jives with the concept of courting, so that's what they're doing. Michael feels she is the One. Well that is one of my prayers answered, so i'm glad for him. He's quite infatuated by this girl, but as he echoed, it is a reasonable infatuation. My infatuation for girls, especially those previous, has been unreasonable although i'm proud i was there. Tim Harbeck said to me one afternoon at a shindig at Dwayne King's that he envies me for feeling the way I did for Daisy. I mean, he envied me for being capable of possessing that feeling, as if his own is unexcitable.
Speaking of envy: i've been surrounded by unlikely encouragers this year. As i've experienced the various phases of meeting Abby's parents, meeting Sunghee, and joining OfficeMax, I've heard many times over that my abilities and privileges are envied by those who don't have them. I adimately concur with them too, because in recalling the feelings that nagged me after i got sent away from the pipeline patrol, i sense that flying is a privilege and pleasure not to be taken for granted. For weeks in the wake of that bitter January day, i supposed that i was hardly good enough to be near airplanes, much less fly them. But i've since taken a turn for the better, and i bring out a lesson from that which is worthwhile. More on that later.
Michael Field says that he sometimes wonders where he'd be if he followed through with his flying goals. Although i can't seem to ever formulate the words when i'm with him, my response to him is that he should be content with his taking another career path because he has spared himself much hassle and raised a fabulous, God-honoring family. I am proud of him for that.
--------
Today came a rare occasion: An inspiration came to me. And it arrived at the almost-usual place: the shower. As I go back to leTourneau, I wonder what will I be and who I will be. I was the hesitant, nervous, yet diligent and minute-detail trainee as I came up through the program. I hit my low points-- redesigned the Duchess checklist and, while using it on a cross-country, neglected to lean the engines and landed with sub-LeTourneau minimum fuel; i took forever to get through the MEI curriculum; i finished practically every rating at the very last minute. But i also hit some high points along the way. I created a little book on the said Duchess that has proven an invaluable knowledge aid to myself and many other pilots; I built a small scale model of the Duchess out of balsa wood, also a valuable training aid; I received an A on my CFI notebook; and I passed the initial CFI checkride on the first attempt. I felt under some unstated expectation that I was supposed to do the pilot and become the pilot, too. Just do it so intensely that the pilot figure becomes my identity. And as I accomplished a bigger step each year, I would come home with a chip on my shoulder. "Me pilot. Me multiengine pilot. Me instrument pilot. Me flight instructor!" Then it was "Me Alaska pilot. Me have job as pilot!"
And at that point, you all know what happened. Gone. Fired. Insufficient. Unadult. Worthless.
Since then has come to me one of the most important lessons that sinks into the mind of a follower of Christ. Nothing in this earth is worthy of your attaching your identity to it. Only One is worthy of that, and He is our Jesus our redeemer. He offered all he had as a symbol of what you are worth, and now I am infinitely valuable because of His infinite love for me. To attach my identity to anything of this earth is futile because the heavens and the earth will pass away but His righteousness stands forever. Upon the truth of His lovingkindness I place my value; if I am desired by my very Creator, then being accepted by anyone else matters nil. This frees a person to really live his place in the kingdom of God.
As a flight teacher, i would like to introduce my students to their aviation careers by sharing my testimony and confronting them with challenges that will, hopefully, direct them wisely through the flight program.
1. As i discussed above, don't get your identity from being a pilot. Not only do you lose your fixation on Christ but Satan can also use this as a snare bigtime to make you feel worthless in your low seasons.
2. The interim between flight lessons should consist of the following elements: Reinforcement, Refreshment and Preparation. Reinforce what was taught in the lesson by constructive practice in the skills, knowledge and mental discipline. Then get refreshed by getting away from the subject by means of physical activity, a nice meal and plenty of sleep. Then prepare for the coming lesson by looking ahead and anticipating what is expected of you next.
3. You involved yourself in flying in college so that you may use your privileges for the rest of your life. Put the firstfruits of your energies to this cause. Don't allow anything else in school to take precedence over flying. Know that when it is time to fly, unless outside factors prohibit, it is time to fly. You'll notice many spiritual figures in flying, and one figure to note here is that the time to fly is like the moment to come when we will rise with Christ to meet Him in the clouds.
4. Study, schedule and fly with alertness and vigor.
5. Always try to be unlocking ways to simplify your life.
-------

Well i've written enough.
Goodnight

Odyssey quote

2006-02-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

"Your soul is worth the life of Jesus Christ. To give it to anyone else is an incredible waste.
--Jack Allen,
Adventures in Odyssey vol. 25

Death, Fear, Pleasure

2006-02-20T08:44:00.000-08:00

God created us with both temporal and eternal components, and death is the point when we got ousted from the temporal self and fully take upon the eternal.

Why do we fear? Consider this: when you fear, your mind generates a prediction of the future. Since that prediction is normally one to dread, it is unpleasurable. To fear is unpleasurable. Nevertheless, we keep fearing because we feel secure in knowing the future. So while harboring fear inflicts so much agony, the tradeoff is a sense of security. I'm having a little fear struggle right now. Leaving Bloomington soon for Longview I am afraid i won't like being away. But all the thought i've put into this decision has involved Godly fear, too. Godly fear is knowing that God has the future in His hands and that He is the master manipulator of all things that are and are to come. In his plan I am secure, and not the plan tailored by my corrupt imagination.

Angela and I talked last night, among other points, about drugs in her school. We who do not have interest in drugs are baffled by those who do. But the presence of that craving in those individuals' minds reveals to us what horrible consequenses the original sin had on man's entire being. In the blink of an eye, mankind turned his pursuit of pleasure from God to himself, and satan was afforded free reign to our mind in providing us the possibilities to find pleasure apart from God. Our temporal nature is pleased, but our eternal is not, hence people become locked into the here and not the hereafter.
When death comes to such a person who lived mindfully of the flesh and to the temporal, he is ushered off into eternal separation from God because he didn't want him in the first life; why would he want Him in the eternal life? Along with the separation from God comes separation from all the pleasures he knew as a human because, after all, they were just distortions of the eternal catering to the distorted craving of the flesh.

God, i need you and seek you. Take away from me fear and desire for earthly pleasure.

($9/hour for part-time work at LeTourneau)

A belated Valentine

2006-02-19T02:08:00.000-08:00

They'd call it craziness to...

like without being liked
give without being given to
write without being written to
call without being called
know without being known
brag without being bragged on
seek without being sought

...but this is what it is to be chosen;
This is what it means to be loved.

Know that you are,

a couple important letters to post here

2006-02-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

Got the first on Thurs and the second today.

Ok, Jonathan. Everything is in order and you can start as soon as you can get here next week. Just let me know. I’ll be great to have you here again.

MrB

---

Jonathan

There will be some standardization but that should only take a few days. 1^st we’ll determine what students you’d get, then we’d standardize you in the airplane and syllabus you’d be teaching first. The rest of the standardization can happen when needed then. You’d be given a load of students fairly quickly.

I’ll let Mr. Ritchey answer your questions about pay and how that works. He can tell you how much, etc. I can tell you that you will get paid for the standardization, whenever you’re at work you are being paid and standardization is part of that.

MrB

From home-at least today

2006-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well, the day on which i re-embark on my great drama/adventure is imminent. You can be sure that, come June, i will be complaining about the heat, but i ought not be complaining about where I am or what I'm doing. Clearly, my life is a puzzle, and Texas is where all the pieces are fitting together at this time.
Mr. Bitikofer wrote me yesterday, while i was cutting drywall at Jonathan's house, with the news that the paperwork authorizing my entry is complete.
So the time ahead is one like taking last glances at a dream before it melts away into brilliant reality. I know today is one i cannot come back to.
But who can fear the next step, if it is surely in the direction of my heavenly Home?

Author: my sister?

2006-02-15T23:16:00.000-08:00

The following poem is published on my sister Rosanna's IM profile, and after reading it for the first time tonight, i just sat back amazed. It was written by Relient K, and it's another one of their songs with which i closely identify. It helps to know that God IS Love-that is the truest statement in existence. Believing God means that we must accept Love also. as written in Blue Like Jazz, we have the hardest time accepting love. Can i imagine what would be my state of mind three weeks from now if I continually believed that i am loved by the only One whose love is really relevant to me? I would be much better off, for certain.

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into You Because you got to me,
in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life Jesus

When he looked at me and said I view you as a daughter And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question......
Do You know what You are getting yourself into God?

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worshipYou.
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do... you say I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.

for Randy

2006-02-14T10:08:00.000-08:00

Randy wrote last week about guys and our predisposition to work. i thought of you-us, rather- when i got this quote today..

A man is relieved and happy when he has put
his heart into his work and done his best.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

praise!

2006-02-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

What i'm about to report may be of no consequence, but i find it notable regardless. I called a flight school in Morris, Illinois (2 hours north of here, near Chicago) on Friday and sent them my resume, and this morning i was invited up for an interview. It's just nice of God to show me that i'm accepted in more aviation places than not.

Michael Field took this picture on Thursday

2006-02-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

Cessna 69187, me and my 'pilot essentials': headsets, carrying case and booster seat :-)

Some reading to digest

2006-02-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

In light of recent posts by Elmo and personal experience, i am compelled again to make this posting of a few of "Life's 25 Toughest Questions" as published in the latest Reader's Digest.

1. Can a man and a woman ever be just friends?
A. For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!

2. How do you know when to end a friendship?
A. As soon as you get that sneaking suspicion that it never really began.

3. Why do we turn into our parents when we swore we wouldn't?
A. Because really, when all is said and done, we admire them.

4. Does money really buy happiness?
A. No. Because happiness isn't for sale. Many people get tripped up by this one, amassing wealth only to find themselves cycling into a bottomless pit of unsatisfiable yearning. Turns out, joy and misery are not that far apart when it comes to very big wads of cash...When it comes to happines, only people you love, and who love you, can bring it. If you have enough dough to buy yourself a luxurious yacht, but no real friends to sail with, you're sunk.

Value of Confidence

2006-02-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've been doing alot of praying these days while driving around in my 1995 "Chick Magnet" red Escort wagon. As i was pulling out of the Papa Murphy's parking lot today with my dinner, i asked God what He would tell another person about my present state. The words that proceeded to enter my mind were, "be gentle with him, now; he's feeling in a funk and his confidence is as thin as paper."
Well, those are not the sort of words i'm used to hearing when i sit still and let God speak to me, but true words they were.
So tonight i continue on the subject of confidence. For my clencher story, I recall an encounter today with a customer at CopyMax. She walked up to me and dictated the specifics of her brochure. They registered in my head, and i began to process what i would charge for this project. Her long sighs and standing posture caused me to discern that this woman was irritible and impatient. Being a rookie at this work, I was immediately intimidated. My quoting her the wrong price didn't calm her down, of course. Luckily, my experienced coworker John was nearby to bail me out, and i went back by myself later and figured out the prices with no problem. Why couldn't i do that when i was with the lady? My assumption is because of my lack of confidence.
...
i used to chide at confidence, calling it disguised pride. Then i equated confidence with Comfort, and that's a fairly good definition. Tonight, i think confidence, to a follower of Christ, as faith that God, in that given moment, to empower and use me to love whatever and whoever it is I 'm facing. Confidence is not an issue of me. What good am I if i speak with tongues of angels but have not love? And how can i have love if not by the spirit of God dwelling and healthy in me? And how can i keep spiritually healthy except by partaking in regular, intimate fellowship with my Creator? Therefore, Christ must be my confidence.

Without confidence, satan can use people and situations to trample over me, and my ability to let love flow through me to them is shut off.

next post...

School

2006-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

Last night, i was struck with the reality that i'm not out of school yet. My knowledge and skills are being constantly challenged and grown. After i graduated from LeTourneau, I got to learn flying in Alaska. Then I got to learn working in a landscape business. Then I got to learn pipeline patrol flying. Then playing wedding music on the piano and violin. Then demolition and restoration of old houses. Then CopyMax.
The trend is far from ending. Later i'll need to learn my next aviation work and each airplane and student involved. That verse from Proverbs i posted two weeks ago comes to mind. The one about getting instruction and finding life. I'm getting instruction from so many angles. But i'm concerned that i don't get enough time or practice with each so that i can settle into them. I can do alot of stuff, that's true, but the feeling of mediocrity haunts me constantly. I wonder what it's like to have my efforts channeled into two or three responsibilities and become good at them like Angela, Brian and Abby do. I have a notion that that day is coming: for everything there is a season.
Learning all the time does not come without guilt. I sympathize for those people and projects I err and learn from because i know they deserve better.

Positive quote of the day

What's the use of worrying?
It never was worth while.
So, pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,
And smile, smile, smile.
-George Asaf (George H. Powell)

Blessed Busyness

2006-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

This week has been nice and busy. It's been the kind of busyness that I love to wake up to. My best friend from high school, Jonathan Dassow, has an old house he needs to have restored by the 21st, so he's summoned me and my amateur building abilities to assist in the enormous project. The whole house is like a playground for my creativity. I have enormous responsibility, i.e., i'm heavily depended upon by my friend because he doesn't know how to do most of the stuff himself; yet i feel tremendous freedom because I know I can experiment and make mistakes and fix them and be self- instructed on how to change my methods for the next time. The greatest reward I receive from this work is getting to help and be with Jonathan. I can think of very few other ways to play the role of a friend than this. We met in high school and did everything together. We were even going to have parallel careers, but that didn't work out for him. Now he's getting married and moving into his own house. He always was the first in everything. And i was always behind him to cheer him on and give support. Here I am again, perhaps for the last time, too.
I made a determination to take flying those people who i had offered a ride to in the past. Now had to be the time because if i don't sieze the moment, i could find myself in Texas and regretting that i never fulfilled those promises. On Tuesday, my acquiantance Hawkins and I hopped in the little 152 to Lake Bloomington and back for a 25-minute flight. The next to go was Evan Fleming and Michael Field on Thursday. Evan and I flew around Lake Bloomington a bit, and on the return to the airport I went by our high school Alma Mater Calvary Baptist Academy and Evan's current college, Illinois State Univ. Evan got to see his house too as we were on downwind for runway 29. The time with Mr. Field was truly noteworthy. To save time, i wanted to use Runway 11 for takeoff, but Bloomington tower had me holding short for over five minutes waiting for a Malibu eight miles away on Runway 29. What's one to do? Well, Michael said he'd take that time to tell me that he'd decided to pay for the whole flight himself. I was taken by surprise, but man was that good news! He wanted to go land at Pontiac, 30 miles north-east of Bloomington. When we got there, he mentioned that he grew up in Pontiac and that if i followed the little river he'd see his old house. Back in Bloomington, again I intentionally entered left downwind for Runway 29 so that he could view the house he is living in today. I get nostalgic about going from Past to Present in one day. I bet he was thrilled, too. After our flight was over and i told him the cost, he gave me the money and told me that that was money very well spent.
This week has been very satisfying because I get to use what I love to give people a happy experience. I derive so much pleasure from seeing people enjoy flying; they smile for a long time afterwards.
I'm living as under the shadow of the inevitable. I do not know for certain when my time here will end. It could be next week, next month or in three months. Whatever the case, my experience here is transient. I'm passing through, and in what seems like tomorrow, Bloomington, Hawthorne Lake, Rachel, Abby, the Fields and Howertons, my family, Jonathan Dassow, Constitution trail, Panera's, Calvary, and all the rest will be a memory. The sentiment i wish to get with that memory is that I am proud of it all.
So, if I were the future me getting to relive now, what would I choose to do?
Take more friends flying? visit my grandparents more? work longer hours on Jonathan's house? hang out with friends more?

"Keep the heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." - Proverbs 4

Pics: happy passengers!

A 'lil one

2006-02-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

A couple quotes came through my email today that i found intriguing.

Marriage is a relationship. When you make the sacrifice
in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but
to unity in a relationship. -Joseph Campbell

Failure is not failure to meet your goal.
Real failure is failure to reach as high
as you possibly can. No man will ever truly
know that he had succeeded until he experiences
an apparent failure. -Robert Schuller

i've got a hunch that the reason God isn't allowing the confirmation of a job at LeTourneau is that God is waiting for me to get ready to arrive there. so i emailed several friends tonight asking them for connections to people needing a roommate. and this week i'm trying to take all the people flying that i told awhile ago that i would. That includes you, Number 1, so i hope you can come over and stay with your family this weekend. I can tell when God is preparing a place for me to go; every issue at the place where i must depart has a perfectly beautiful, happy ending at the last minute.
My sister's ex-boyfriend has experienced a spiritual makeover which, as the present days have revealed, has been nothing short of radical. For me, it is a vivid testimony to the presence of Christ in us, the Mystery spoken of by Paul.
The more that the 'scientific' community glamorizes and expounds on the religion of Evolution, it appears increasingly nonsense and rediculous. I watched a couple documentaries produced by and presented on the National Geographic channel. They said that we are modified celestial cloud dust, man. And that our water is from the asteroid belt. And that oxygen in our atmostphere was generated by a species of O2-only-exhaling creatures that evolved from the sea. Ya know, not one theory has been concocted for how our spirits evolved. No rational person denies that this body has an indwelling soul. So where did our spiritual selves come from if not from a Spirit Origin who Himself is able to Create the physical realm ex nihilo?
Evolution 1:1 - In the beginning was Matter, and Matter is eternity and eternity is matter. Without matter, nothing was made that was made.
Truth 1:1 -In the beginning was the Word.

Weekend notes

2006-02-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday: basically bummed around and wasted time. slept in, watched TV, didn't go outside and pitch b/c it was 25 degrees before windchill, looked at cars and shopped for food with Dad. Called Mr. Bitikofer and got news that the instructor approval should come through this week.

Dealing with some heavy personal/spiritual issues. I was up til 2:30 AM in the issue and deliberating, praying, and writing about it. It's one i have the greatest hesitation to bring before my friends and advisors because of the shock value it may impart. This is when i affirm Randy's conclusion that our best friends need to be those of like gender. Even then, it's hard to bring before a guy.
Last night i asked God to help me write in my journal, for my words were few. A spark came, and eventually i scribbled this at 2AM while half asleep and half awake:

1. Seek the Kingdom of God
2. Make the truth of God applicable to your life
3. Align priorities and be faithful to them
----If a choice threatens to collapse one of the three preoccupations above, it is not God's will -----

Sunday:
went on a date this afternoon. Not a DATE date, though. Sunghee and i spent the afternoon playing the piano then went to a Mozart music concert then to Starbuck's for a coffee. i payed for coffee and she payed for the concert. she likes to talk about American culture and people here. per my request, she contributed some constructive criticizm toward my playing. She would like my composure to be more relaxed and for my Classical genre pieces to sound more "attractive." Even with her limited range and understanding of English vocabulary, that advice was profound. she proposed that we have a lesson sometime.
Spent the Superbowl at DJ's house. Angela called me, but i missed her. I listened to only a part of her message. Perhaps i ought to have listened to all because she didn't answer my followup call just minutes after her own. Then i called Michael Field and arranged for a visit with him and Ellen on Wednesday evening, after over a month of not seeing them.
blablabla, too late to write any more.

Snippets

2006-02-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

i gotta get up at 3:15 tomorrow, but i wanted to make a post featuring some meanderings. I wish that today i could have hooked a recorder to my brain to store my thoughts. good stuff-God stuff- just came to me.

I played Beethoven's 5th on the piano this afternoon. whenever i play it, i try and feel and picture the story it is telling. the story seems to switch every time, but today i beleive i have it right. the scene during the first eight notes is of "fate knocking at the door, " as Beethoven himself described. The few measures afterward express the initial reaction of the person at the other side of the door. although the knocks are few and short, he hears it as a suggestion, a threat. He is afraid, and like everybody's mind handles fear, it is embellished. The piece is about this guy's drama of the inevitable drawing near and announcing its presence, and in reluctance to accept it, the guy sinks deep into fear and worry for what his fate may be. In the end of the first movement, he is overcome by his own embellished portrait of what that fate may be. The second movement tells of his submission to and discovery of his fate, and by the third movement he's redeemed himself by some means and triumphed over his peril.

---the Christian music "Winter Jam 06" came to Bloomington today, and it was a blast when it was all said and done. there i really felt ministered to by some music, and i sensed God speaking to me on several occasions. The lead singer of Newsboys quoted Isaiah 53:1-11 on stage, and that was exemplary.
I was really encouraged to view people the way that God sees us. we each are amazing masterpieces of His creativity. we come into the world with a divine purpose as unique as we are, and satan would do all he can to misguide us into the meaningless so that we miss fulfilling our purpose.
---One line of a current Newsboys song is "and all the powers of darkness tremble at what they just heard; because all the powers of darkness can't drown out a single word, when all God's children sing 'Glory, glory, hallelujah, He reigns.' " i found that to be quite a profound reminder that my prayers cannot be stopped from getting to God except by the iniquity in my heart, and that when my heart is clean, I have a clean transmission line to the Father.
---the topic of God's Kingdom still lingers in my thoughts. ...

i need to stop there so i can sleep.

Rearranged

2006-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

Overheard: surrounding oneself with a balanced environment promotes balance of the mind.

Resolution: rearrange room furniture in accord with ideal of 'balance'

Conclusion: room is now strikingly elegant and efficient. Glad for the change. Still waiting for balance of mind. Hope to find it in the morning.

----

If you want to successful, it's just this simple:
Know what you're doing.
Love what you're doing.
And believe in what you're doing.
--Will Rogers

Each day that passes, i yearn to take my place in an airplane again, of instructing the art of flying, and of facing the challenges that engage my mind.
I love when my mind is captivated. God does it in such a profound way in some prayers. At other times, flying is what captivates me, and that multiplies when a girl I love is in my thoughts at the same time. Or better yet, in the plane with me.

God, take me back there soon. Please.

Addictions and Names

2006-01-30T23:45:00.000-08:00

I'm reading one of the best books ever. It is to me, at least. Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz speaks directly to my experience, and i'm gonna tell the girl who thinks she likes me to read pages A-B, C-D and etc to get the scoop on my brain waves. Anyway, he brought up the great point that Satan's device is to fixate our attention onto meaningless things for meaningless reasons.
Along those lines is our addictions. I feel three addictions inside me:
Addiction to self
Addiction to stuff
Addiction to sin

Being good is hard.

Unfitting with the context, but just for the record, i would like to share the preferred names for my daughter(s), although that time is not until the distant future. Here they are:

Grace
Tilly
Eliane
Gabriane

as you can tell, i'm not making plans for a boy as of yet.

Pictures from the weekend

2006-01-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

Julia Kyte and me

Dara Kyte. could have gotten a cuter pic because she is cute.

Julia and Dara's uncle Butch

Jared Kresge and me at Bob Evans in Battle Creek

Battle Creek and Russell Crowe

2006-01-29T19:31:00.000-08:00

Today i went to Battle Creek, Michigan and visited my friend and second Private pilot Jared Kresge. He lived an hour north of Battle Creek, so the town made a good middle meeting place for us both. We sat for lunch and discussion at Bob Evans and caught up the events of our time apart. Since he isn't really a phone or writing person, I had to give him a briefing on everything. Jared is a builder, and he showed me the scar on his left index finger where he had accidentally run a band saw through it. By God's mercy, 1/4 of his bone was still intact, and his flexor (anatomy correct??) muscle and main blood vessel were spared. So he got to keep his finger and use it too.
A really cool thing happened to us. The waitress came by on her water round and told us that the guy sitting at the table across from us had paid our ticket. He was gone when she told us that, but we both were surprised because that's like the last thing you expect to happen at a restaurant. Another thing I don't expect myself to do is to mind the people around me, so Jared and I never even noticed the guy, what he looked like and such. My guess is that he saw us praying or overheard us talking about God because he told our waitress to say to us, "God bless you." In all, Jared's and my time was short and sweet. I got to tell him of books i am/did read (Blue Like Jazz; I, Isaac) and got pictures with him. I was wishing the pics were taken with us sitting down,however, because the guy is very tall, although he doesn't seem much taller than most because i'm around taller people all the time and it's become normal. But when i see us together in a picture--sheesh! Like, his head is at the top of the frame, and my head is at the bottom. Shoulda sat down for that picture.
Tonight I watched Cinderella Man and ate Chinese food with my friends.
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Cinderella Man provided me an inspiration. It also reminded me of Lance Armstrong. These guys went through hard times that instructed them why they do their thing. Hollister was instructed that he neeeds to box so he can overcome the clenches of the Depression. Armstrong was instructed to overcome the element of human limitations. As for me--my hard time has instructed me to appreciate and desire flying. Losing it for those moments in the past was like a knockout blow-and how in that season do we wish we were back on our feet in the ring, back on our bike on the road, back on our airplane in the sky. I know why I need to fly. It's where my heart is. It's how I translate life. It's what makes me feel alive.
During my first flight in Alaska, Dwayne told me to 'fly the river.' The meaning of that is bringing the airplane as close as comfortable to sturdy Earth and following the same course as the river--around ledges, above trees and next to cliffs. This brought me immediate delight that gushed all through my body. I thought at those minutes that if I were to die right now, i would be content because as of those moments, I had really lived. Watching God's beautiful, unblemished creation rushing along each side of you is exhiliration unequalled. Especially when that creation is crystal blue glacier walls and glass-still waters and soaring mountains and puffy-clouded sky.
I had three more inspirations today. They're all about teaching.
1) Driving back on I-94 from Battle Creek, i espied the on- and exit ramps of one rest stop. Along these ramps were posted No Parking signs --the ones that look like a "P" crossed out with a red stripe. Fifteen of them, man, spaced forty feet from each other, all in a line on the side of each ramp. One would suppose that just two or three would do. But an entire parade of No Parking signs is what sufficed here for causing drivers to learn to not park on the ramp.
Learning from the same information repeated fifteen times is what we and our students really need most of the time. When I think about Michiana rest stops, the first thing that pops up in my head is "don't park on the ramp." Thanks to the fifteen signs, i'll always park to sleep in the parking lot of the rest stop. What is some information I need embrace for myself or instill in others? Is it important enough to remember? If so, perhaps I should repeat it fifteen times. You'd better believe that I or my student will always, always know that when we go to our proverbial Michigan rest stop, we're going to go without hesitation to the parking lot.

2) I am impressed at how boxers train. They run, they beat the air in combo punch simulations, they whack the floppy leather teardrop thingie and they smash a sand-filled bag that, depressingly, doesn't fall down or stagger like an opponent. Then they go in the fighting ring and all those training exercises amount to--- hopping around, covering tender faces of body and face and best of all whaling on a real person who's much softer than the sandbag and slower than the teardrop thingie. Was the training really worthwhile? Of course it was. Diversified training such as what boxers go through builds and solidifies intricate habit patterns of balance, control, precision, rhythm, focus, speed and power. All these unite on the day of the fight. Absurd and grotesque to some, and art and magnificience to others, the sport is one to appreciate. It's an ideal portrait of what's required of us if we want to perform to the best of our potential. Weaknesses in performance are a reflection of what the training neglected, and vice-versa. If we want to do something really well, we must work on more than just the thing itself. Performing complex tasks like playing an instrument, flying an airplane, instructing a mother on how to care for her child all are a multifaceted skill. It's important to take seriously the building of each component of the whole if we expect the result to be what we want.

3) In my aviation instructor curriculum, i memorized the definition of learning to be "changing behavior as a result of an experience." We VERY often mistake going through the failure, regret and redemption process as a learning exercise. "Johnny, give me the cookie. Now i slap your hand (ow!) and now you've learned not to take the cookie, right? (yes, mommy)" Actually, Johnny did not learn anything. He was instructed to not take the cookie, and the whack on the hand reinforced that instruction; i.e., he remembers the pain caused by mommy's slapping his hand and he associates that with the event of stealing the cookie. The process is Johnny's brain is now, don't steal a cookie because last time i got hurt. When, on the following day, Johnny has a craving for cookies, he decides to leave them alone until Mommy permits him to have one, THEN he has learned. He changed his behavior. The equation is Experience-lesson-behavior modification.
So often we pat ourselves on the back because we erred then were instructed on how to do better then get over the pain. "Now I've learned NOT to do that" is our triumphant acclaim. Uh, no. We never changed the behavior. We just imagine reliving the past and doing it right and feeling good with what the imaginary we did in our imaginary world.
What proves learning is a test. A test is the only proving grounds for real learning.
We abuse the word "Learned" because it is in the past tense. How have I learned something if i have not yet proved a changed behavior? To emerge from a mistake and pain and instruction and to say "now i've learned" is a contradiction.

Instead of deceiving ourselves by thinking "i've learned now from that mistake", let us hold on to the instruction we received in the wake of our mistake, and use that instruction to guide us through future decisions. Only when we apply our knowledge bestowed by the instruction will we truly change our behavior.

He who keeps instruction is in the way of life.
-Proverbs 10:17

Michigander

2006-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

After spending four days working for my uncle in Springfield, Illinois, i'm now in Bridgeman, Michigan with a family that has known me since my birth. They are Messianic Jews, so we went to Synagogue this morning, and that was an encouraging experience. The pastor delivers sermons that are like half his words and the other half is reading from the Bible passages on the topic. This week's teaching was on the baptism of Christ's sufferings-touching the fact that we will suffer if we follow Christ and the why of our suffering. One point that stuck out to me was the distinction between the 'chaff', 'tares' and 'wheat.' Tares are the imposter wheat, the stuff that grows up next to the wheat but in its full growth the head gets big and causes the stem to bend over. The chaff is the nonessential parts on the wheat itself. Understanding all three of these terms helps us realize why Christ compares us to this crop. He says that he's going to separate the tares and the wheat on the day of judgment. But you don't know a tare unless it's all grown up and has bent under the pressure of the weather and its own weight. Our identity is defined by who we are after the weather of suffering has come our way. If wheat we are, then suffering will shake away the chaff of the world.

In my reading of Matthew this month, i've continued my ponderings of the Kingdom of God. Christ's string of parables about the Kingdom have always left me questioning..."well, which one IS the kingdom like?" Because i'd always supposed that the kingdom was heaven-you know, the heaven that requires death before admission. But as it occurs to me this time around, the Kingdom of God that Jesus is telling us about is right here surrounding you and me. God wants for this earth to be like Heaven. He wants us to be perfect as he is perfect. He wants His will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. So the Kingdom attributes are faith, preparation, compassion, etc... read them for yourself. i gotta go help pack now.

Looking

2006-01-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, i got this letter from Lauren Bitikofer that may indicate why God closed the door on Peru. Seems I am destined to serve God in another corner--one of greater influence. Please be praying for me! thanks!

Jonathan
We’re working through a position approval to try to bring you here on a part time basis. The goal would be to get you here and working part time. While here you could get your CFII. You’d have to pay the cost of the airplane and flight instructor to get that done because we can’t cover that expense. Then when a full time position opens after you have your CFII we’d put you into that position. We’re going to have a few positions open as we have a lot of 2nd year flight instructors right now. We won’t know anything about this part time position approval till sometime next week at the earliest. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear.
MrB

quote i got in my email today:
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.-Maureen Dowd