Walk On
Dear friends, this is probably my last installment from the current location of "home" before Time scoops me up and delivers me to a place called Texas. A season of easy-going, discovery and planning is come to a close, and i can say that albeit a terrific opening, end has been sweet.
So far, i've enjoyed very memorable time with the people who mean the most to me. On Friday, i spent a few hours at Wendy Miller's house helping her and her husband Greg pack and move. For those of you who don't know Wendy--i'm certain that would make ALL of you -- she's a lady whose God-given inner beauty just radiates. She has the 'law of kindness' on her lips, and she's habitually in a positive and fun demeanor. Her three daughters Mallory, Meagan and Maisy are the most adorable as can be. What she said to me that was memorable is a response to one of my words of gratitude; "it's not me" was her reply to my thanks for her kindness. That's gotta be true, too, if the Spirit is really living in me. I try to be kind, loving, patient, sometimes by coersion, and it's in trying that i fail miserably because those values are not of me; they're of God. When i am around people like Wendy Miller, Brenda Howerton and Emily Field I see people who say in their hearts, "God, it's my will to be loving, kind, gentle; meet me here and work through me." and in loving, we are loved; in blessing, we are blessed; in nurturing, we are nurtured. The hand that gives a rose cannot but smell of the aroma too.
On Saturday my dad drove DJ and me to the Museum of Science in Industry in Chicago-my sixth trip to Chi-town this year. The museum has undergone many modifications since the first time i remember it. A couple things that have not changed are the IMAX theatre and the airplane displays. The IMAX is, of course, the best TV screen ever created because it's shaped like a dome and fills up your entire visual field. The very first movie i saw in it was a production called Blue Planet, when I was in 2nd grade. I wrote my very first real journal entry on that show. One detail you might find interesting is what through my head when i experienced this IMAX theatre back then. I thought walking through the sequential strobe-light hallway leading to the theatre was a simulation of travelling warp-speed through space to get to a different planet. The effect was nearly real, because when i saw the theatre with its big concave screen i felt in a different place. The movie itself brought me bigger-than-life images of other countries and space images. As I watched the Africa space footage, i felt lighter in my seat and imagined that if I jumped toward the screen, i'd fall through space and land in some desert and have to walk back to Chicago somehow.
Older and wiser now, hopefully, I am aware that jumping toward a video screen will not take me to Africa, but i can still be captivated by a place without actually being there. Yesterday we saw a documentary on Greece, since the LeTourneau group went there on the trip before mine to Egypt. The footage of flying along the rocky shores of the Mediterranean were spectacular. I got the feeling back as if I were in the plane flying low and dodging rocks, as i did in Alaska. I smiled alot.
Today was very, very blessed. I woke up knowing what was going to happen in general, but God unfolded the rest of the goodness by the hour. Rachel Howerton and her family had invited me to lunch, so before Crossroads i got some of Ellen Field's cookies from the freezer and ran over to Walmart and bought Welch's white grape juice for lunch and a bag of Starbuck's decaffeinated morning blend as a gift for Rachel and Abby. On the way to Crossroads I was thinking, and an old lesson revived right then. You know, from the first minute of the day, i set out to enjoy being with the Howertons and make our time together something to remember. Then i recalled from a sermon that if we are to have enjoyment to the fullest of God or anything, we will praise that which we want to enjoy. I tell ya, it works! And if we are to remember a moment, we will give something in that moment. I decided on a dime in Walmart that i would buy some of Abby and Rachel's favorite stuff: coffee. Why? Because in addition to expressing my praise of them, i was also guaranteeing myself a memory of them. I must give something to a moment for that moment to be given to me.
Anyway, lunch was great, the company was fabulous, and i was just blessed to be in this time again with the howertons. Even though i keep coming back to them, they take me back as a friend just as if i belong. I have subconsciously tacked on my back "Failed to Launch" for the past year because i'm still legally living at home, and though i leave alot and suggest permanent Awayness, i always have come back. Those people who have said "keep in touch" find themselves me literally doing that, then i leave again and come back again and i play mindgames of these people saying "don't you stay away?" I don't know if this is the tempter suggesting lies, but it does contribute to my feeling uneasy; i am 'underneath expectation.'
Moving along...i then washed the dishes after lunch and helped take some of their belongings to our vehicles; the Howertons are moving. I thought it a crisis at first because the Howertons and their home was an icon of Bloomington; there I fell in love with Rachel and her family, and they became to me the model family unit. Nourishment, nurture, peace and belonging are all synonyms of the Howerton home, and up til now I associated the family with the home. But i realize today that the home will move with the family, and though i will miss their petite, lovely house, their spirit will move with them into their new house and soon it will feel like one in the same.
Oh, their new house is amazing.
Much to my surprise, Abby came to Bloomington today! She decided yesterday to come, after telling me earlier in the week that she was not. I was very glad to see her again. I'm also relieved that i experienced no emotional, romantic attachment to her. I joined her at her parents' house shortly after i unpacked stuff into the Howerton's new house, and as usual i was treated with aviation-speak with Mike and delicious fruit and cookies from Ellen (Mrs. Field). I've received a volume of encouragement from Mike in respect to my career. He remembers so much from his flying days and from the Navy, and he expresses that what i'm getting into is a good thing and he's very proud of what i'm doing.
I wonder sometimes if God had planned for me to meet Abby so that i may meet her parents too.
Emily gave me 1.5 doz of her peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies -fuel for my drive tuesday- and the family gave me a warm farewell as did the Howertons.
After i left the Fields', i drove to ISU to pickup Sung-hee and take her home, and she invited me to Mandarin Garden restaurant for dinner. That was a very unexpected blessing.
I'm thinking now about dating. I know the kind of girl who would be a compatible dating personality for me:
she will enjoy just spending quality time together and not necessarily the 'how' of it. I love quality time. I loved going to Kroger and the mall with Abby because I was with her. I loved helping Wendy and the Howertons pack because i was with them. I loved painting Jonathan's house and getting dirty as a pig because I was with him. I'm not a good conversationalist nor entertainer, but i relish the presence of some people. and that's the kind of person i need to find.
i've been thinking about my past as an irretrievable scapegoat. one example of my failing memory happened today. i was walking near the piano the Howerton's basement where I saw sheet music for the sacred piece "Praise my soul" Scanning the first page, it occurred to me that the music was familiar to me. I felt impulses in my hands as if a tune i'd taught them were reawakening. But i couldn't remember when or for what I learned the piece. SO I asked Rachel when she came down, and she told me I played that piece for her and for chapel once. But i could not remember ! it was so characteristic of the issue of my deteriorating memory.
Fortunately, the scapegoat came back today. I found my collection of journals and letters that I both wrote (then copied) to friends and also received from them. These letters date back to 1997, so I get to have nearly nine years of Past to get brushed up on.
One of those letters was written in May 2001 by Rachel. For Rachel, it was malicious and discomfited me at the time. But as I read it tonight for the last time, I realized how complex an issue i created for myself back then. Now, being older and wiser, hopefully, I know precisely what I would have done. "Rachel, i'm crazy for you and you've captivated me out of my own dimension. What do you feel? " Total honesty is what we needed. Total honesty or nothing. To live with less is too much hassle. And what does Usen say about hassle? You're not meant to be involved if it's too much of that.
Rachel asked me awhile ago to destroy that letter, so i read it for the last time, crumpled it up a little, burned it a little, soaked it a little, and disposed of it inside a little sandwich bag.
Submit yourselves one to another!
So far, i've enjoyed very memorable time with the people who mean the most to me. On Friday, i spent a few hours at Wendy Miller's house helping her and her husband Greg pack and move. For those of you who don't know Wendy--i'm certain that would make ALL of you -- she's a lady whose God-given inner beauty just radiates. She has the 'law of kindness' on her lips, and she's habitually in a positive and fun demeanor. Her three daughters Mallory, Meagan and Maisy are the most adorable as can be. What she said to me that was memorable is a response to one of my words of gratitude; "it's not me" was her reply to my thanks for her kindness. That's gotta be true, too, if the Spirit is really living in me. I try to be kind, loving, patient, sometimes by coersion, and it's in trying that i fail miserably because those values are not of me; they're of God. When i am around people like Wendy Miller, Brenda Howerton and Emily Field I see people who say in their hearts, "God, it's my will to be loving, kind, gentle; meet me here and work through me." and in loving, we are loved; in blessing, we are blessed; in nurturing, we are nurtured. The hand that gives a rose cannot but smell of the aroma too.
On Saturday my dad drove DJ and me to the Museum of Science in Industry in Chicago-my sixth trip to Chi-town this year. The museum has undergone many modifications since the first time i remember it. A couple things that have not changed are the IMAX theatre and the airplane displays. The IMAX is, of course, the best TV screen ever created because it's shaped like a dome and fills up your entire visual field. The very first movie i saw in it was a production called Blue Planet, when I was in 2nd grade. I wrote my very first real journal entry on that show. One detail you might find interesting is what through my head when i experienced this IMAX theatre back then. I thought walking through the sequential strobe-light hallway leading to the theatre was a simulation of travelling warp-speed through space to get to a different planet. The effect was nearly real, because when i saw the theatre with its big concave screen i felt in a different place. The movie itself brought me bigger-than-life images of other countries and space images. As I watched the Africa space footage, i felt lighter in my seat and imagined that if I jumped toward the screen, i'd fall through space and land in some desert and have to walk back to Chicago somehow.
Older and wiser now, hopefully, I am aware that jumping toward a video screen will not take me to Africa, but i can still be captivated by a place without actually being there. Yesterday we saw a documentary on Greece, since the LeTourneau group went there on the trip before mine to Egypt. The footage of flying along the rocky shores of the Mediterranean were spectacular. I got the feeling back as if I were in the plane flying low and dodging rocks, as i did in Alaska. I smiled alot.
Today was very, very blessed. I woke up knowing what was going to happen in general, but God unfolded the rest of the goodness by the hour. Rachel Howerton and her family had invited me to lunch, so before Crossroads i got some of Ellen Field's cookies from the freezer and ran over to Walmart and bought Welch's white grape juice for lunch and a bag of Starbuck's decaffeinated morning blend as a gift for Rachel and Abby. On the way to Crossroads I was thinking, and an old lesson revived right then. You know, from the first minute of the day, i set out to enjoy being with the Howertons and make our time together something to remember. Then i recalled from a sermon that if we are to have enjoyment to the fullest of God or anything, we will praise that which we want to enjoy. I tell ya, it works! And if we are to remember a moment, we will give something in that moment. I decided on a dime in Walmart that i would buy some of Abby and Rachel's favorite stuff: coffee. Why? Because in addition to expressing my praise of them, i was also guaranteeing myself a memory of them. I must give something to a moment for that moment to be given to me.
Anyway, lunch was great, the company was fabulous, and i was just blessed to be in this time again with the howertons. Even though i keep coming back to them, they take me back as a friend just as if i belong. I have subconsciously tacked on my back "Failed to Launch" for the past year because i'm still legally living at home, and though i leave alot and suggest permanent Awayness, i always have come back. Those people who have said "keep in touch" find themselves me literally doing that, then i leave again and come back again and i play mindgames of these people saying "don't you stay away?" I don't know if this is the tempter suggesting lies, but it does contribute to my feeling uneasy; i am 'underneath expectation.'
Moving along...i then washed the dishes after lunch and helped take some of their belongings to our vehicles; the Howertons are moving. I thought it a crisis at first because the Howertons and their home was an icon of Bloomington; there I fell in love with Rachel and her family, and they became to me the model family unit. Nourishment, nurture, peace and belonging are all synonyms of the Howerton home, and up til now I associated the family with the home. But i realize today that the home will move with the family, and though i will miss their petite, lovely house, their spirit will move with them into their new house and soon it will feel like one in the same.
Oh, their new house is amazing.
Much to my surprise, Abby came to Bloomington today! She decided yesterday to come, after telling me earlier in the week that she was not. I was very glad to see her again. I'm also relieved that i experienced no emotional, romantic attachment to her. I joined her at her parents' house shortly after i unpacked stuff into the Howerton's new house, and as usual i was treated with aviation-speak with Mike and delicious fruit and cookies from Ellen (Mrs. Field). I've received a volume of encouragement from Mike in respect to my career. He remembers so much from his flying days and from the Navy, and he expresses that what i'm getting into is a good thing and he's very proud of what i'm doing.
I wonder sometimes if God had planned for me to meet Abby so that i may meet her parents too.
Emily gave me 1.5 doz of her peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies -fuel for my drive tuesday- and the family gave me a warm farewell as did the Howertons.
After i left the Fields', i drove to ISU to pickup Sung-hee and take her home, and she invited me to Mandarin Garden restaurant for dinner. That was a very unexpected blessing.
I'm thinking now about dating. I know the kind of girl who would be a compatible dating personality for me:
she will enjoy just spending quality time together and not necessarily the 'how' of it. I love quality time. I loved going to Kroger and the mall with Abby because I was with her. I loved helping Wendy and the Howertons pack because i was with them. I loved painting Jonathan's house and getting dirty as a pig because I was with him. I'm not a good conversationalist nor entertainer, but i relish the presence of some people. and that's the kind of person i need to find.
i've been thinking about my past as an irretrievable scapegoat. one example of my failing memory happened today. i was walking near the piano the Howerton's basement where I saw sheet music for the sacred piece "Praise my soul" Scanning the first page, it occurred to me that the music was familiar to me. I felt impulses in my hands as if a tune i'd taught them were reawakening. But i couldn't remember when or for what I learned the piece. SO I asked Rachel when she came down, and she told me I played that piece for her and for chapel once. But i could not remember ! it was so characteristic of the issue of my deteriorating memory.
Fortunately, the scapegoat came back today. I found my collection of journals and letters that I both wrote (then copied) to friends and also received from them. These letters date back to 1997, so I get to have nearly nine years of Past to get brushed up on.
One of those letters was written in May 2001 by Rachel. For Rachel, it was malicious and discomfited me at the time. But as I read it tonight for the last time, I realized how complex an issue i created for myself back then. Now, being older and wiser, hopefully, I know precisely what I would have done. "Rachel, i'm crazy for you and you've captivated me out of my own dimension. What do you feel? " Total honesty is what we needed. Total honesty or nothing. To live with less is too much hassle. And what does Usen say about hassle? You're not meant to be involved if it's too much of that.
Rachel asked me awhile ago to destroy that letter, so i read it for the last time, crumpled it up a little, burned it a little, soaked it a little, and disposed of it inside a little sandwich bag.
Submit yourselves one to another!
posted by Radar | 7:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home