Fate reversal

Back and forth I go, seeing the door of destiny wide open before me, then watching stunned and silent as it closes, then seeing it open yet again. i feel like i'm hopping from one train to another, like drowning and breathing again; my life is typified in the inhaling and exhaling that sustains me.
i said i'm interested in coming back this semester to instruct. please don't take my words to be spelling out commitment. don't assume commitment because,,because, it's all happening so fast, and things are changing so abruptly, i have but time to speak but not communicate what i really want you to know. i have appointments through May, yes, that i have to keep. there's Matt; i signed a paper, a contract, saying that i'll be responsible for keeping him up to par in his math class. there's my bank account..dear me, i'm not ready to be independent on those resources! there's , ah, not bailing on the company that's counting on me to work for them this spring.
i can start in the summer semester. believe me, that will be better! i can still learn the new airplanes, get fresh students, and leave no loose ends in Bloomington.
Summer, better. then i'll get my career and my teeth moving, and everyone will be happy then. i just need to find...
balance.
God, you said to be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our requests be made known unto You. Lord, ease my anxiety. Free me from fear of man and grant me the wisdom to know and walk according to Your purpose. Make me humble, make me usable, make me more like You.