Why i've been grieving
I've felt awful depressed from Thursday til Sunday because getting 'let go' is something i have never had to digest before. I told mom on Friday -really my slothful attitude told her first - and after much prayer for my dad's heart, i told him on Sunday. Thankfully, he was kind in his response toward me but not towards Tim because dad's been enraged by Tim from the beginning (all work for no pay, etc.)
The situation has brought more than just loss. My guilt stirred me to learn alot about myself, relationships and duty. I found an unknown part of me that longs for flight. I am again challenged to reach new levels of contentment and knowing my identity in Christ alone. I did a major search for other flying jobs and found many interesting ones for which I am or am almost qualified. I also wrote a letter tonight to Tim explaining my errors, describing what I've learned, and making a final plead to be received back.
In the time being, I have hope to obtain favor in tomorrow's interview with the manager at OfficeMax. If you think of me before 4, would you please pray for me that I get the job? It is not aviation, but it will be a link in the bridge between college and career.
I have given mere hints of my situation until now because I wanted to wait for my mind to be more even-tempered. I wanted to be objective when I told others about this and not invoke pity. My emotions really plunged into the deep end this weekend, and I didn't want for anybody to see me that way.
here is the letter I wrote to Tim, and i'm hoping i can get some comments/suggestions for it. i need to send it soon, so please say the first thing on your mind. thanks.
Dear Tim:
Following the phone call informing me that I was no longer needed for the pipeline patrol job, I wallowed in tremendous guilt for several days. During that time, I retraced the choices I made throughout the past two weeks and reflected on my inner ethics and values. I found that I had a lot to regret, and from those regrets I learned many things.
The first of my lessons was to identify and be loyal to my duties. The duties I identify in my life include honoring God, loving family, caring for friends, maintaining financial responsibility and faithfulness to my employer. I like to believe that I am loyal to these duties as best I can, but in the present aftershock of Thursday, I am convinced that I forfeited one of those duties for a couple unworthy causes. I admit that attended to something I will always have – a part time job and a friendship – over something I may not always have: my primary work. I count those poor choices, and they yielded consequences I did and am still learning from. Performing my duties to my work is a core ethic because people are relying on me to keep the mission working.
The classic three words to summarize a pilot's priorities – Aviate, navigate, communicate – also reminded me of my poor choices. Aviate: Just fly the airplane and be present with the demands of the duty. If I had just flown the airplane of my duty and concerned myself later with navigate and communicate- the "where to go and who to talk to" – then I would have made better choices.
I think that my flying airplanes is something special. After hearing the news that my privilege is being stripped from me, I felt very deeply how much I missed the guarantee of flying someday soon. To realize that I wasn't going to be leaving the ground and swerving around in the sky caused me to long desperately for the chance to fly again. I have found a part of me that cannot thrive without the sensation of flight, and I am yearning to satisfy him again.