had a talk
i got to talk alot to Angela this afternoon because she was bored sitting in LAX on a layover. and i'm glad she called me. she was a willing listener, and for some reason i felt like i should keep talking. it was quite good for me, so thanks, Angela. thanks for letting me divulge what's been stirring in my mind that i usually don't get to share with anybody. how i miss a captive audience!
i am aware that i am one of those bottled-up people who comes out only in reaction to an external stimulus. as i grow up, i think i'm becoming more and more this way. no, it's not going to get me anywhere socially, and to spout my fears, i beleive some friendships are eroding because of me. i consider Josh, Randy, Angela, my own sister, Brian, Daisy...guarantee they've all noticed a difference. i just am not quick and interesting in conversation like i used to be, supposedly. perhaps the most persuading evidence is that i'm not pursued for it anymore. so few people come or write to me to just talk, and when they do, i can't help but sense that they go away so...unsatiated.
as a Christian, i guess i shouldn't crave so longingly for this- approval? attention? affection? whatever. or is it that i should't need the craving so much? When my heart is close to God, my earthly needs seem to deflate in proportion, yet when i am on that slippery slope away from Him, i feel i need more and more what is not Himself in the world.
such banter.
the instructor-student assignments are underway as i write. i have learned of two of my students so far. one of them i know (Adam Alonzo), and the other, in primary flight, is a girl. Her name is Leanne. I would be enthusiastic except for precedent. I beleive that she's a brilliant young lady and a promising flight student. But since history is the best teacher, I know that i'm going to have difficulty with her. for whatever reason (everyone is different) starting on a sour note is just inevitable; i seem to just have some major chemistry issues with girls who are my students. i will try to avoid conflict at all costs with Leanne and pray my way through each day. i don't know what it will take, but we have to begin right.
i'm presently reminded of the fervent prayers i have submitted to God for my students. all will be well.
meanwhile, i'm enjoying my last days of relative quietness and serenity. this place is about to come alive with students, and whether or not i am ready for it will be proven.
one thing about reality is that it melts away all wondering.
i am aware that i am one of those bottled-up people who comes out only in reaction to an external stimulus. as i grow up, i think i'm becoming more and more this way. no, it's not going to get me anywhere socially, and to spout my fears, i beleive some friendships are eroding because of me. i consider Josh, Randy, Angela, my own sister, Brian, Daisy...guarantee they've all noticed a difference. i just am not quick and interesting in conversation like i used to be, supposedly. perhaps the most persuading evidence is that i'm not pursued for it anymore. so few people come or write to me to just talk, and when they do, i can't help but sense that they go away so...unsatiated.
as a Christian, i guess i shouldn't crave so longingly for this- approval? attention? affection? whatever. or is it that i should't need the craving so much? When my heart is close to God, my earthly needs seem to deflate in proportion, yet when i am on that slippery slope away from Him, i feel i need more and more what is not Himself in the world.
such banter.
the instructor-student assignments are underway as i write. i have learned of two of my students so far. one of them i know (Adam Alonzo), and the other, in primary flight, is a girl. Her name is Leanne. I would be enthusiastic except for precedent. I beleive that she's a brilliant young lady and a promising flight student. But since history is the best teacher, I know that i'm going to have difficulty with her. for whatever reason (everyone is different) starting on a sour note is just inevitable; i seem to just have some major chemistry issues with girls who are my students. i will try to avoid conflict at all costs with Leanne and pray my way through each day. i don't know what it will take, but we have to begin right.
i'm presently reminded of the fervent prayers i have submitted to God for my students. all will be well.
meanwhile, i'm enjoying my last days of relative quietness and serenity. this place is about to come alive with students, and whether or not i am ready for it will be proven.
one thing about reality is that it melts away all wondering.
posted by Radar | 11:46 AM
1 Comments:
True that about reality.
Hmmm, yes, I have noticed a change. But I also noticed a different change when you were here, and it was a welcome one: You seem so much more loose this summer, compared with last summer. Just like... you took the rubber band off from around your head. Bad analogy, but it's all I've got at this hour.
I struggle with craving for my friends. God and I talk about it periodically. But my very small circle of closest friends means the world to me. I realize, and have told Him, that I know that He may choose to take any or all of them away, without rhyme or reason. This has happened to several people we know. And I know that the chances are good that, in this profession, not all of us will die of old age and cancer.
But, I rely on my friends heavily for day-to-day support and good humor.
I need people, and it goes beyond close friends. I recently told Sarah Medin something that made the whole room look up awkwardly: when explaining that I don't like to eat alone, and need people around, I said that, "I would rather eat with someone I don't like than eat alone."
That made everybody start. And Sarah kinda scrunched up her forehead and said, "Oh, not me."
Anyhow.
Don't fear the girl. Support her in her delicate formative first hours in the cockpit.
Neither would I suggest avoiding conflict at all costs. That's a poor idea, I think. START off on the right foot, certainly. But don't let her slide for the sake of avoiding conflict.
Enjoy your peace.
God bless,
Randall
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