Snap
Yay! an actual comment -two, actually - on my blog entry. I am ecstatic. Thanks, Elmo. Sometimes i think i am alone in my little sphere of virtual journaling. I share my thoughts with the world, when i could be writing them on paper in my floppy Mead composition book. I just wish that i could tear into my friends' journals and see and respond to what they wrote. Don't you have that same urge? Is anybody out there besides the annoying bot-commentators? Leave comments! Please!
(Meanwhile, Radar himself needs to actually leave comments of his own on Elmo's entries. Will do.)
I rode up the hill to the lookout and beyond this afternoon. I had a little nap and a good 45 minutes of isolation. Prayers came to mind as i asked for them. Do you ever have voids of thoughts? I do very often, especially when i'm alone. Today i invited God to cause me to think and pray, because He can do cool stuff like that. I thought about my future, a job, human needs, Daisy, Shane, flying, if LeTourneau CFIs would be willing to land a Skyhawk at the ranch below. Here's one line of thought. Ya know, i cannot live so long with this ebb and flow of emotion involving Daisy. I've settled that it's okay to feel the need for companionship that Daisy filled for a time. A temptation (so i suppose it is) to regard this as sin because "God is my portion" comes to me, and I have beleived it. But i see something else; that is, my human 'program' that God has instilled in each one of us registers yearnings unique to the physical. One of those yearnings is for a special relationship. God will deposit that relationship in my life at the time of His choosing because He knows i need it as part of my human experience. Most-maybe all- of our experiences as humans is a microcosm - a model - of a spiritual reality, and I see several of these models in the marriage relationship. Divorce and fornication are prohibited by God because, the way I see it, what those represent would never happen in God's holy realm. "Thy will be done as it is in Heaven."
My prayer is that, for the time being, God will take away the very present need for a special companion. The loneliness is tearing me apart, and i need to get my focus back. I know that the capacity for feeling so deeply for another person is in me. But it needs to lay silent for a little so i can put my mind and heart to the work God has set in front of me.
You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You.
------
The ride down the hill was a blast. I'd say it was the most thrilling two minutes i've had on my bike.
Daisy, Heather and Shane got back from Wal-Mart about the same time i got back on the ranch from my ride. We unpacked the groceries from her car, then i went back out to thank Daisy one last time for the food and the money she gave me at church. She asked, "May i give you a hug?" [why i prefer to quote her everywhere instead of state the content of her words is because her words best bring back the moment] much to my surprise. In that way, i think she wanted to thank me for and support me in my helping her brother. Whatever it was, I'm thankful that she asked for it as opposed to me. I've decided that the season for seriously de-Daisying my heart is at hand, so i need to do discipline my behavior to that end. No seeking physical touch to any extent because it is my predominating love language; no listening to music during times of missing her that I would associate with her; no more writing poetry about her; vent what i am going through so it doesn't become an emotional bruise; find a new hope and build from this point.
I recognized stages of growth that i've been through the last six years as i was with Brianna. I was once where she is-secure at home with the blanket of family love to shelter from loneliness; looking at the other sex for their 'going-out' possiblity; seeking an occupation; an immature understanding of one's religion. More specifically, in terms of making a new relationship, the mindset of a teenager is that of the temporal. Marriage is a consideration but still a dreamland at best. But when grown up, when her eyes numb you to the world's pressures, when her presence beautifies the land and magnifies the stars, when she fills in unknown gaps in your being, when she is the spark in your mind and the hop in your step, when she's the only one that matters, when she is the epitome of things lovely, when her leaving brings pain, when being always with her looks worth the many sacrifices--a grown-up capacity for love has emerged from the embryonic infatuations of childhood. Marriage is the serious question of a grown-up. Wow, i may be thinking to hard about this. It's getting late.
Daisy wore a previously-unseen-by-me business-like outfit today. She looked professional, in charge, like the type who are at the top of their game in life. The outfit exerted an air that, in fact, intimidated me. I had to let her talk a little first just to make sure that this is the same Daisy i know. In reflection, that was a good lesson to not tell a person by the clothes he/she is wearing. What matters most is the person on the inside.
--
in summary: church, Daisy's check, hang out with Brianna, ride up to the lookout, get food, Daisy's hug, go to King mountain lodge with Brianna and Shane, stay up late another night incoherently writing what came to mind during the day.
(Meanwhile, Radar himself needs to actually leave comments of his own on Elmo's entries. Will do.)
I rode up the hill to the lookout and beyond this afternoon. I had a little nap and a good 45 minutes of isolation. Prayers came to mind as i asked for them. Do you ever have voids of thoughts? I do very often, especially when i'm alone. Today i invited God to cause me to think and pray, because He can do cool stuff like that. I thought about my future, a job, human needs, Daisy, Shane, flying, if LeTourneau CFIs would be willing to land a Skyhawk at the ranch below. Here's one line of thought. Ya know, i cannot live so long with this ebb and flow of emotion involving Daisy. I've settled that it's okay to feel the need for companionship that Daisy filled for a time. A temptation (so i suppose it is) to regard this as sin because "God is my portion" comes to me, and I have beleived it. But i see something else; that is, my human 'program' that God has instilled in each one of us registers yearnings unique to the physical. One of those yearnings is for a special relationship. God will deposit that relationship in my life at the time of His choosing because He knows i need it as part of my human experience. Most-maybe all- of our experiences as humans is a microcosm - a model - of a spiritual reality, and I see several of these models in the marriage relationship. Divorce and fornication are prohibited by God because, the way I see it, what those represent would never happen in God's holy realm. "Thy will be done as it is in Heaven."
My prayer is that, for the time being, God will take away the very present need for a special companion. The loneliness is tearing me apart, and i need to get my focus back. I know that the capacity for feeling so deeply for another person is in me. But it needs to lay silent for a little so i can put my mind and heart to the work God has set in front of me.
You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You.
------
The ride down the hill was a blast. I'd say it was the most thrilling two minutes i've had on my bike.
Daisy, Heather and Shane got back from Wal-Mart about the same time i got back on the ranch from my ride. We unpacked the groceries from her car, then i went back out to thank Daisy one last time for the food and the money she gave me at church. She asked, "May i give you a hug?" [why i prefer to quote her everywhere instead of state the content of her words is because her words best bring back the moment] much to my surprise. In that way, i think she wanted to thank me for and support me in my helping her brother. Whatever it was, I'm thankful that she asked for it as opposed to me. I've decided that the season for seriously de-Daisying my heart is at hand, so i need to do discipline my behavior to that end. No seeking physical touch to any extent because it is my predominating love language; no listening to music during times of missing her that I would associate with her; no more writing poetry about her; vent what i am going through so it doesn't become an emotional bruise; find a new hope and build from this point.
I recognized stages of growth that i've been through the last six years as i was with Brianna. I was once where she is-secure at home with the blanket of family love to shelter from loneliness; looking at the other sex for their 'going-out' possiblity; seeking an occupation; an immature understanding of one's religion. More specifically, in terms of making a new relationship, the mindset of a teenager is that of the temporal. Marriage is a consideration but still a dreamland at best. But when grown up, when her eyes numb you to the world's pressures, when her presence beautifies the land and magnifies the stars, when she fills in unknown gaps in your being, when she is the spark in your mind and the hop in your step, when she's the only one that matters, when she is the epitome of things lovely, when her leaving brings pain, when being always with her looks worth the many sacrifices--a grown-up capacity for love has emerged from the embryonic infatuations of childhood. Marriage is the serious question of a grown-up. Wow, i may be thinking to hard about this. It's getting late.
Daisy wore a previously-unseen-by-me business-like outfit today. She looked professional, in charge, like the type who are at the top of their game in life. The outfit exerted an air that, in fact, intimidated me. I had to let her talk a little first just to make sure that this is the same Daisy i know. In reflection, that was a good lesson to not tell a person by the clothes he/she is wearing. What matters most is the person on the inside.
--
in summary: church, Daisy's check, hang out with Brianna, ride up to the lookout, get food, Daisy's hug, go to King mountain lodge with Brianna and Shane, stay up late another night incoherently writing what came to mind during the day.
posted by Radar | 11:51 PM
1 Comments:
Ugh.
Nah, no bot here.
I have no journal, save my blog. But I sure would love to dive into yours!
I miss that hill. You know what? Being at the top of the hill, or at the lookout, wasn't the best part. I realize that now. The best part was getting there. The hike up. The hike down was always a drag.
The rest of your blog deserves discussion... on the phone, I mean. Which may not happen tonight.
Well, talk later, and keep blogging. I read it, even if I don't have time or words to make a comment.
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