on performing

this week has turned out quite successfully to this day. five of my seven students had a stage check (kinda like a flight quiz, but not the final exam), and now we get to continue on the next step of their training. early in the week, i learned about the date of LeTourneau's annual talent show, which is to take place next Saturday. perking my interest, i thought of a piano piece i could perform for it. i turned to my present project- Beethoven's 5th symphony for the piano -and reckoned myself of close enough profieincy to have it ready by next weekend. my audition was going to be this morning, so i practiced for hours and hours on wednesday and thursday night to get it to a point of having it at least memorized without hesitations. i'm glad that by this morning i did have it thus.
my friend Michael tells me that he doesn't like to perform in shows or recitals becuase he doesn't think it's right to put oneself up on a podium like that. so this week as i was thinking about him and thinking about myself performing in this talent show, i went back and forth between wanting to do it or not. or is it even right? that's a question i asked too. i came to a resolution on Wednesday that i would audition, and if they wanted me in it then i would go. that way i don't look like some pompous wannabe Beethoven, right?
as turned out, i wasnt' able to audition this morning because someone else was using the chapel during the time the coordinator and i had arranged to meet. so she deferred to what she already knew about my playing from past events (i've played background for a couple school banquets) and beleived that whatever i had was going to be good, so told me to just come to the dress rehearsal next Saturday and figure out where i'll be in the program.
after we parted, i went off and played somewhere else, and at performance tempo. because all day yesterday i played at a slow tempo, enough so my thoughts would be directly moving my fingers and hands in sort of a 'training' mode. during performances, i tend to transcend the motions of touching the keys and play automatically out of emotion and pleasure. it's hard to explain in other words. but getting up to that point requires tedious, deliberate 'hands go here, fingers switch here, etc.' practice for me. but once i pay that price, when i kick into performance mode, the music sounds really good. now that gives me a reason to want to do performances: if nothing else, it forces me to channel my energies and focus onto mastering a piece so i can play it better i thought i was capable. If and however the performance turns out next week, i'll be happy for the leaps of progress i made in preparing to perform it.