introspection

Well today was one of those heavily introspective days, one where i look inside myself and look at what is going on and ask how i feel what i feel. indeed at this moment i do the same process because i'm writing on a blog now that people are going to see--and what's the point? the point is that at lease it runs out of my system like coals that have festered annd now pour down a dump chute. often what i put here are those worn-out coals. they once were burning passions that communicated for several minutes my feelings of awe and angst.
today was downer emotionally. yesterday i went through quite an experience to which my heart was sensitive, and the feelings didn't stay confined to the day. i was thinking one of those rare epiphanies in my life that i had met--- fill in the blank. But God moved me off that track at just the moment to make the encounter memorable and an edification towards the future. Today i was sulking because of what i had to do, and my heart payed for it. I was not emotionally 'there' for my students, and that hurt worse; i'm learning that a teacher has a 24-7 job, for to lapse is to fail my students. I was nearly moved to tears as i instructed my instrument student on the importance of setting the right pitch attitude in flight, because i was struggling with my own phychological attitude so much. Am i therefore a hypocrite also?
Add to this the new notion that i am failing my private student Leanne too. We have just one more scheduled lesson before she's supposed to have her stage check, and as i glance at what will be expected of her i can't help but silently beg for help and miracles, for i have not drawn out from her the skills and abilities expected of her at that stage check. In a way she reminds me of none other than myself when i got started flying. i was ambitious but not authoritative nor assertive in my training. I would to shake her out of it, but she's a girl-an 18 (or 19) year old girl who's gotta be overwhelmed by the sensationalism of flight training, and she's a sensitive soul to begin with. i could tell some flushing her her face for the second time today because of my demanding instructional communication. i know that it's possible to be too hard on her because her feelings will be hurt. yet i notice too her young person's procrastination and resignation mentality, a blend lethal to success in college or in flight. it's true that a young person doesn't identify these; he or she merely copes for years until the source is found. then they turn into a person like me, instructor living vicariously through seven unknowing subjects.

sometimes i get impatient because of the slowness of a new student's motions, but what hit me today was a reminder of my own critique to 'be loving before beign judgmental'. then i reviewed what love is as 1 Corinthians 13 says it: Love is patient, love is kind...love does not boast itself...love does not keep record of wrongs...love bears all things...love never fails. i can't do such on my own, but i find when I am willing then Christ takes over my attitude, my words, my plans. then He drapes this new perspective over my mind and it changes everything. Soon the trump shall sound and we shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

I ask next a question whose context means everything.
So, what's next for us?
in another sense, that question would have continued my walk down a wonderful, sacred road. But God said to keep waiting. so i'll keep doing what i do and being what I am, and once again, on a lovely day the feeling will be kindled again.
yet one wonders sometimes if one is wrong.
The Lord is my shepherd; i shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside still waters, he restoreth my sould. he leadeth me along the paths of righteousness for His names sake; yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. you fill my cup, and it runs over. surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and i shall live in the house of the Lord forever.

"A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether within reach of our inner selves, waitign for us to recognize it. GOd Himself is here waiting our response to His Presence. Thsi etermanl world will come alive to us the moment we reckon upon its reality"-AW Tozer

hm

for those who are about to give up on me, i'll post another entry here tonight. those familiar with my blogging history of a year ago might think i would have died because my writing is so consistent. right, some days i wonder when i'll ever stop writing, and on other days i wonder if i will ever write another coherent statement ever again. i have several moods, and whether i write or not and what i write is a sure indication of which one i'm in.
i'm drinking italian soda right now; a new friend suggested it to me and i had an opportunity to get some tonight. it's my first time. i like it. anyone else ever not have italian soda?
today Texas brought out its best in the weather. 60 in the morning, 85 during the day. 85 feels cool, let me tell ya! after two months of living in an oven, even 93 feels cool now. however God has been merciful in that the air has been so dry. dry air means little of the humidity that attaches invisible insulation to one's body.
well i gotta go prepare for tomorrow. i may have the privilege of witnessing to a guy tomorrow. so i'm searching the Word for what God will have me to say. i have already been through one lesson, and that is to tell the Good News just like it is: you have sinned, God loves you, and he loves you too much to force you to earn your own salvation so He sent the only One who could, but it has to be by your choice to accept His salvation, and then you receive the anointing of the priestly order. pray if you think of me- no matter when you think of me!