Contemplations

Location: Bridgewater, Virginia, United States

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Rearranged

Overheard: surrounding oneself with a balanced environment promotes balance of the mind.

Resolution: rearrange room furniture in accord with ideal of 'balance'

Conclusion: room is now strikingly elegant and efficient. Glad for the change. Still waiting for balance of mind. Hope to find it in the morning.

----

If you want to successful, it's just this simple:
Know what you're doing.
Love what you're doing.
And believe in what you're doing.
--Will Rogers

Each day that passes, i yearn to take my place in an airplane again, of instructing the art of flying, and of facing the challenges that engage my mind.
I love when my mind is captivated. God does it in such a profound way in some prayers. At other times, flying is what captivates me, and that multiplies when a girl I love is in my thoughts at the same time. Or better yet, in the plane with me.

God, take me back there soon. Please.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Addictions and Names

I'm reading one of the best books ever. It is to me, at least. Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz speaks directly to my experience, and i'm gonna tell the girl who thinks she likes me to read pages A-B, C-D and etc to get the scoop on my brain waves. Anyway, he brought up the great point that Satan's device is to fixate our attention onto meaningless things for meaningless reasons.
Along those lines is our addictions. I feel three addictions inside me:
Addiction to self
Addiction to stuff
Addiction to sin

Being good is hard.

Unfitting with the context, but just for the record, i would like to share the preferred names for my daughter(s), although that time is not until the distant future. Here they are:

Grace
Tilly
Eliane
Gabriane

as you can tell, i'm not making plans for a boy as of yet.

Pictures from the weekend

Julia Kyte and me

Dara Kyte. could have gotten a cuter pic because she is cute.

Julia and Dara's uncle Butch

Jared Kresge and me at Bob Evans in Battle Creek

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Battle Creek and Russell Crowe

Today i went to Battle Creek, Michigan and visited my friend and second Private pilot Jared Kresge. He lived an hour north of Battle Creek, so the town made a good middle meeting place for us both. We sat for lunch and discussion at Bob Evans and caught up the events of our time apart. Since he isn't really a phone or writing person, I had to give him a briefing on everything. Jared is a builder, and he showed me the scar on his left index finger where he had accidentally run a band saw through it. By God's mercy, 1/4 of his bone was still intact, and his flexor (anatomy correct??) muscle and main blood vessel were spared. So he got to keep his finger and use it too.
A really cool thing happened to us. The waitress came by on her water round and told us that the guy sitting at the table across from us had paid our ticket. He was gone when she told us that, but we both were surprised because that's like the last thing you expect to happen at a restaurant. Another thing I don't expect myself to do is to mind the people around me, so Jared and I never even noticed the guy, what he looked like and such. My guess is that he saw us praying or overheard us talking about God because he told our waitress to say to us, "God bless you." In all, Jared's and my time was short and sweet. I got to tell him of books i am/did read (Blue Like Jazz; I, Isaac) and got pictures with him. I was wishing the pics were taken with us sitting down,however, because the guy is very tall, although he doesn't seem much taller than most because i'm around taller people all the time and it's become normal. But when i see us together in a picture--sheesh! Like, his head is at the top of the frame, and my head is at the bottom. Shoulda sat down for that picture.
Tonight I watched Cinderella Man and ate Chinese food with my friends.
---
Cinderella Man provided me an inspiration. It also reminded me of Lance Armstrong. These guys went through hard times that instructed them why they do their thing. Hollister was instructed that he neeeds to box so he can overcome the clenches of the Depression. Armstrong was instructed to overcome the element of human limitations. As for me--my hard time has instructed me to appreciate and desire flying. Losing it for those moments in the past was like a knockout blow-and how in that season do we wish we were back on our feet in the ring, back on our bike on the road, back on our airplane in the sky. I know why I need to fly. It's where my heart is. It's how I translate life. It's what makes me feel alive.
During my first flight in Alaska, Dwayne told me to 'fly the river.' The meaning of that is bringing the airplane as close as comfortable to sturdy Earth and following the same course as the river--around ledges, above trees and next to cliffs. This brought me immediate delight that gushed all through my body. I thought at those minutes that if I were to die right now, i would be content because as of those moments, I had really lived. Watching God's beautiful, unblemished creation rushing along each side of you is exhiliration unequalled. Especially when that creation is crystal blue glacier walls and glass-still waters and soaring mountains and puffy-clouded sky.
I had three more inspirations today. They're all about teaching.
1) Driving back on I-94 from Battle Creek, i espied the on- and exit ramps of one rest stop. Along these ramps were posted No Parking signs --the ones that look like a "P" crossed out with a red stripe. Fifteen of them, man, spaced forty feet from each other, all in a line on the side of each ramp. One would suppose that just two or three would do. But an entire parade of No Parking signs is what sufficed here for causing drivers to learn to not park on the ramp.
Learning from the same information repeated fifteen times is what we and our students really need most of the time. When I think about Michiana rest stops, the first thing that pops up in my head is "don't park on the ramp." Thanks to the fifteen signs, i'll always park to sleep in the parking lot of the rest stop. What is some information I need embrace for myself or instill in others? Is it important enough to remember? If so, perhaps I should repeat it fifteen times. You'd better believe that I or my student will always, always know that when we go to our proverbial Michigan rest stop, we're going to go without hesitation to the parking lot.

2) I am impressed at how boxers train. They run, they beat the air in combo punch simulations, they whack the floppy leather teardrop thingie and they smash a sand-filled bag that, depressingly, doesn't fall down or stagger like an opponent. Then they go in the fighting ring and all those training exercises amount to--- hopping around, covering tender faces of body and face and best of all whaling on a real person who's much softer than the sandbag and slower than the teardrop thingie. Was the training really worthwhile? Of course it was. Diversified training such as what boxers go through builds and solidifies intricate habit patterns of balance, control, precision, rhythm, focus, speed and power. All these unite on the day of the fight. Absurd and grotesque to some, and art and magnificience to others, the sport is one to appreciate. It's an ideal portrait of what's required of us if we want to perform to the best of our potential. Weaknesses in performance are a reflection of what the training neglected, and vice-versa. If we want to do something really well, we must work on more than just the thing itself. Performing complex tasks like playing an instrument, flying an airplane, instructing a mother on how to care for her child all are a multifaceted skill. It's important to take seriously the building of each component of the whole if we expect the result to be what we want.

3) In my aviation instructor curriculum, i memorized the definition of learning to be "changing behavior as a result of an experience." We VERY often mistake going through the failure, regret and redemption process as a learning exercise. "Johnny, give me the cookie. Now i slap your hand (ow!) and now you've learned not to take the cookie, right? (yes, mommy)" Actually, Johnny did not learn anything. He was instructed to not take the cookie, and the whack on the hand reinforced that instruction; i.e., he remembers the pain caused by mommy's slapping his hand and he associates that with the event of stealing the cookie. The process is Johnny's brain is now, don't steal a cookie because last time i got hurt. When, on the following day, Johnny has a craving for cookies, he decides to leave them alone until Mommy permits him to have one, THEN he has learned. He changed his behavior. The equation is Experience-lesson-behavior modification.
So often we pat ourselves on the back because we erred then were instructed on how to do better then get over the pain. "Now I've learned NOT to do that" is our triumphant acclaim. Uh, no. We never changed the behavior. We just imagine reliving the past and doing it right and feeling good with what the imaginary we did in our imaginary world.
What proves learning is a test. A test is the only proving grounds for real learning.
We abuse the word "Learned" because it is in the past tense. How have I learned something if i have not yet proved a changed behavior? To emerge from a mistake and pain and instruction and to say "now i've learned" is a contradiction.

Instead of deceiving ourselves by thinking "i've learned now from that mistake", let us hold on to the instruction we received in the wake of our mistake, and use that instruction to guide us through future decisions. Only when we apply our knowledge bestowed by the instruction will we truly change our behavior.

He who keeps instruction is in the way of life.
-Proverbs 10:17

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Michigander

After spending four days working for my uncle in Springfield, Illinois, i'm now in Bridgeman, Michigan with a family that has known me since my birth. They are Messianic Jews, so we went to Synagogue this morning, and that was an encouraging experience. The pastor delivers sermons that are like half his words and the other half is reading from the Bible passages on the topic. This week's teaching was on the baptism of Christ's sufferings-touching the fact that we will suffer if we follow Christ and the why of our suffering. One point that stuck out to me was the distinction between the 'chaff', 'tares' and 'wheat.' Tares are the imposter wheat, the stuff that grows up next to the wheat but in its full growth the head gets big and causes the stem to bend over. The chaff is the nonessential parts on the wheat itself. Understanding all three of these terms helps us realize why Christ compares us to this crop. He says that he's going to separate the tares and the wheat on the day of judgment. But you don't know a tare unless it's all grown up and has bent under the pressure of the weather and its own weight. Our identity is defined by who we are after the weather of suffering has come our way. If wheat we are, then suffering will shake away the chaff of the world.

In my reading of Matthew this month, i've continued my ponderings of the Kingdom of God. Christ's string of parables about the Kingdom have always left me questioning..."well, which one IS the kingdom like?" Because i'd always supposed that the kingdom was heaven-you know, the heaven that requires death before admission. But as it occurs to me this time around, the Kingdom of God that Jesus is telling us about is right here surrounding you and me. God wants for this earth to be like Heaven. He wants us to be perfect as he is perfect. He wants His will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. So the Kingdom attributes are faith, preparation, compassion, etc... read them for yourself. i gotta go help pack now.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Looking

Dear friends, i got this letter from Lauren Bitikofer that may indicate why God closed the door on Peru. Seems I am destined to serve God in another corner--one of greater influence. Please be praying for me! thanks!

Jonathan
We’re working through a position approval to try to bring you here on a part time basis. The goal would be to get you here and working part time. While here you could get your CFII. You’d have to pay the cost of the airplane and flight instructor to get that done because we can’t cover that expense. Then when a full time position opens after you have your CFII we’d put you into that position. We’re going to have a few positions open as we have a lot of 2nd year flight instructors right now. We won’t know anything about this part time position approval till sometime next week at the earliest. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear.
MrB

quote i got in my email today:
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.-Maureen Dowd

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Lincoln on life

Do not worry; eat three square meals a day; say your prayers; be courteous to your creditors; keep your digestion good; exercise; go slow and easy. Maybe there are other things your special case requires to make you happy; but, my friend, these I reckon will
give you a good life. -Abraham Lincoln

Monday, January 23, 2006

Fate reversal

Back and forth I go, seeing the door of destiny wide open before me, then watching stunned and silent as it closes, then seeing it open yet again. i feel like i'm hopping from one train to another, like drowning and breathing again; my life is typified in the inhaling and exhaling that sustains me.
i said i'm interested in coming back this semester to instruct. please don't take my words to be spelling out commitment. don't assume commitment because,,because, it's all happening so fast, and things are changing so abruptly, i have but time to speak but not communicate what i really want you to know. i have appointments through May, yes, that i have to keep. there's Matt; i signed a paper, a contract, saying that i'll be responsible for keeping him up to par in his math class. there's my bank account..dear me, i'm not ready to be independent on those resources! there's , ah, not bailing on the company that's counting on me to work for them this spring.
i can start in the summer semester. believe me, that will be better! i can still learn the new airplanes, get fresh students, and leave no loose ends in Bloomington.
Summer, better. then i'll get my career and my teeth moving, and everyone will be happy then. i just need to find...
balance.
God, you said to be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our requests be made known unto You. Lord, ease my anxiety. Free me from fear of man and grant me the wisdom to know and walk according to Your purpose. Make me humble, make me usable, make me more like You.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The weekend

Each weekend of the previous two months has delivered some excitement. I recall the one of sledding, another of seeing Narnia and everything else; then was the week before Christmas, then Christmas weekend, New Year's craziness, then Heather, family and Chicago, then Ohio, and finally now...
Friday I got to go flying again. I had to, actually, because my 90-day period the insurance company covers for rental pilots was a week expired, but because of special permission from the FBO's flight instructor, i was allowed to fly anyway. Mom went with me for my 3 required landings, and that was all I did because I can come back later in the next 90 days. The next time i fly, however, it will be on a day when the eastbound runway is active, because when the the winds favor the north-south runway, I have to taxi a MILE each way to and from it! That's like ten bucks spent on renting an airplane that's not flying. How fun is that?
One improvement over the 90 days since i'd flown that airplane was my higher instinct for flying it. I'd spent 150 hours between a Navajo, 310 and Diamond Star, and now my touch and technique with the airplane was more refined, and I could really feel the skills happening naturally.
It seems that when we force our habits to adapt to more strain, we come back to those less demanding situations and find them much easier to cope with. I'm aware that this may illustrate the present state of my life. The strains of an unbalanced life deprived of employment, duty, and apparent motion force me to seek for significance and purpose independent of them. In this adversity, few precious ones have counseled me well, reminding me of what God requires of me and what is the essence of my purpose. In church this morning, we sang the song that paraphrases Jude 1:25: "To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen" It is provocative to consider that all the glory, wisdom and power belongs to God; only by His providential grace does he grant it to us, his creatures. We are just stewards of those attributes which are wholly God's own. On earth, we obtain wisdom and strength and honor, but as life itself is a gift, so our acquiring those attributes is a gift. It humbles me that I was and am still under the impression that , because I have lost what invigorated and fulfilled me for the time being, i will be less accepted and esteemed in the hearts of my friends and acquaintances. I haven't visited Michael and Ellen Field for several weeks, chiefly because i don't know how i can face them and have to tell them what happened. Yeah, i'm afraid that they'll think less of me; i'm afraid that i've lost my honor.
But that is just what God seems to be using this time to explain to me. I am a steward of what I have. What i've been through has had a big impact on me in the negative. What discernment can I acquire to impact my life later for the positive, and how can I impact the life of others for the positive? I had rather this time serve His purpose for my character than to have never gone through it hence be more stubborn in my prideful ways.
I cannot go back in time, but perhaps the future will bring similar decisions that i will make wisely because i am learning good habits now.
I don't know God's purposes for why life hits hard sometimes, but speculating does offer hope.
--
Saturday, I worked with my mom on her business' taxes, and what has, in the last four years, taken her weeks to accomplish was done in a day. I was glad to put my organizational prowess to good use. After spending six hours calculating, erring and recalculating, the reward in the form of pizza and a movie at the end felt very good.
---
Sunday. My sister's boyfriend broke up with her today. It was something my parents, some friends and I were just waiting for, so while we are rather glad for the breakup, we're sympathizing for her. She's been drowsy mentally all week because the aura of relationship problems was in the air-and that not at all for the first time. His presence as her boyfriend brought antagonism to her and my mom, and in the recent months the burden got beyond her and our tolerance. Dad formally asked Rosanna last weekend to break up with her boyfriend, and I wrote a letter to her three days ago appealing to her reason. On Monday, she and he had an afternoon of intense discussion about their relationship, and she went into his bathroom and fainted. A couple days ago, she and he had a conversation which they agreed to be less serious, as in they don't talk about marriage anymore. That didn't please my dad much. But yesterday, Rosanna went to a party and danced with a couple guys and told her BF about that. Today, she went over to his apartment and found all her gifts that she'd given him either packed in garbage bags or getting tossed outside. Classic language that "it's over." He's assumed that he's had ownership of her for 2 1/2 years. It broke him to see that he didn't. Rosanna brought her carload of things back home and walked promptly to bed. there's no telling when she'll be healed. God, forbid that they get together again.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Picture post from trip to Ohio

1167 Oak Bluff court, Westerville, Ohio: my home of 7th and 8th grades

A roadsign for Springfield, Ohio: my town of birth

Adam, my best friend in Ohio, is behind me, and Marcia Leonino, my best jr. high teacher, is beside me.

My Grandma Tack and me in Cozy Corner restaurant in Oak Harbor, Ohio.

Adam's adorable 8-year old sister Anna. She was not yet 1 when i previously saw her in person.

My (distant) future employer? AirNet Corporation at Rickenbacker Int'l Airport in Columbus.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

What to say?

Well, I'm back from my long excursion to Ohio. The weekend was quite the Tour de Life. I travelled physically and sentimentally from where I began, to where I presently am, to stuff in between, and where I could be--all in one day. Yesterday came with a most superb ending, too. It was a "Totally of God" sort of ending.
Pictures coming.

Today I found myself in another slump emotionally. The best way to describe it is a feeling of lack of purpose and significance. I've got alot of that behind me, and i'm grateful for it, of course, and alot of it is in my future, but honestly the slow motion there is drudgery. I read today the passage in Matthew where Jesus preaches on our fame in Heaven--you know, the part that says that if you 'confess' Christ to others on earth, then He will 'confess' you to God in heaven, and if you are willing to love Christ more than father and mother, only then are you worthy of Him. The last part of that states that unless we carry our cross and follow Him, we are not worthy of Him. What might that cross be? On days like these I tend to feel the burden on my shoulders and the sluggish movement of my feet as they stagger along to keep me moving. This 'cross' of which Christ speaks could be that instrument whereby we serve His purpose for us. Then why does it feel so hard to wear? Evidently it was never supposed to be, since He called it our 'cross.' Carrying it is not so difficult as is carrying it with joy and believing that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Well, in weakness I am, so that means I am God's servant with great potential. I am encouraged by the words of my good college friend tonight: "I'm confident that he'll surprise u even as He did with the former job! Don't lose hope! Hold on!!"

Another issue on my heart is my sister. She's rather bewildered about what to do with her present relationship with her boyfriend. My parents and I unanimously want her to break up with him. She's been quiet and a recluse all day, obviously bothered by her emotions.

I had a nice dream last night. There were two young girls I got acquainted with, Eliane and Gabriane, and I saved Eliane from drowning after she fell through some ice into a lake. Yes, the names are original to the dream, and they're pretty names, don't you think?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Away message

this is a temporary post to inform that i'm heading out to Ohio to spend a few days with my grandmother. i don't know if she still has internet.

other tidbits...
--interview today went well. the foremost answer the manager seemed to be looking for in me was "is this guy going to make money for the store?" it was a new interview experience, but interesting nonetheless, and i believe and pray that he approved of me.
--a flying (for money!) opportunity has come up, and i could use some wisdom and discernment concerning that...prayer request
--watched Sunghee perform again on Wednesday. she and an accompianist are preparing the Liszt Piano Concerto 1 for competition. Listening to and watching them was marvelous.
--sending the letter to Tim today. it's good.

i do have a bowling story that is funny, but that'll need to wait. otherwise, sorry for lack of cool stuff for you to read the last week.

thanks to all the peeps who read and commented on my last entry! i have more readers than i was aware.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Why i've been grieving

Tim from Peru called me on Thursday and told me that the pipeline flying job and I are not going to work. In effect, I was fired, though since I was never on the payroll, I presume to call it merely a 'letting go.' He is under the notion that my choices to not fly on two occasions is an indication of things to be in the future. He 'let me go' without prior warning or chiding, so i have been feeling a mix of being unjustly/cruely treated and rightfully treated because of my choices to put relationships, and earning money elsewhere, first. I saw my position there as an internship because basically i had neither responsibility nor income, and therefore no obligation, because to me, duty is commensurate with award. Is that a pure outlook?

I've felt awful depressed from Thursday til Sunday because getting 'let go' is something i have never had to digest before. I told mom on Friday -really my slothful attitude told her first - and after much prayer for my dad's heart, i told him on Sunday. Thankfully, he was kind in his response toward me but not towards Tim because dad's been enraged by Tim from the beginning (all work for no pay, etc.)

The situation has brought more than just loss. My guilt stirred me to learn alot about myself, relationships and duty. I found an unknown part of me that longs for flight. I am again challenged to reach new levels of contentment and knowing my identity in Christ alone. I did a major search for other flying jobs and found many interesting ones for which I am or am almost qualified. I also wrote a letter tonight to Tim explaining my errors, describing what I've learned, and making a final plead to be received back.

In the time being, I have hope to obtain favor in tomorrow's interview with the manager at OfficeMax. If you think of me before 4, would you please pray for me that I get the job? It is not aviation, but it will be a link in the bridge between college and career.

I have given mere hints of my situation until now because I wanted to wait for my mind to be more even-tempered. I wanted to be objective when I told others about this and not invoke pity. My emotions really plunged into the deep end this weekend, and I didn't want for anybody to see me that way.

here is the letter I wrote to Tim, and i'm hoping i can get some comments/suggestions for it. i need to send it soon, so please say the first thing on your mind. thanks.

Dear Tim:

Following the phone call informing me that I was no longer needed for the pipeline patrol job, I wallowed in tremendous guilt for several days. During that time, I retraced the choices I made throughout the past two weeks and reflected on my inner ethics and values. I found that I had a lot to regret, and from those regrets I learned many things.

The first of my lessons was to identify and be loyal to my duties. The duties I identify in my life include honoring God, loving family, caring for friends, maintaining financial responsibility and faithfulness to my employer. I like to believe that I am loyal to these duties as best I can, but in the present aftershock of Thursday, I am convinced that I forfeited one of those duties for a couple unworthy causes. I admit that attended to something I will always have – a part time job and a friendship – over something I may not always have: my primary work. I count those poor choices, and they yielded consequences I did and am still learning from. Performing my duties to my work is a core ethic because people are relying on me to keep the mission working.

The classic three words to summarize a pilot's priorities – Aviate, navigate, communicate – also reminded me of my poor choices. Aviate: Just fly the airplane and be present with the demands of the duty. If I had just flown the airplane of my duty and concerned myself later with navigate and communicate- the "where to go and who to talk to" – then I would have made better choices.

I think that my flying airplanes is something special. After hearing the news that my privilege is being stripped from me, I felt very deeply how much I missed the guarantee of flying someday soon. To realize that I wasn't going to be leaving the ground and swerving around in the sky caused me to long desperately for the chance to fly again. I have found a part of me that cannot thrive without the sensation of flight, and I am yearning to satisfy him again.

I have learned that performing my work duties has a role in the quality of my relationships, so in season, work shall take precedence. I have learned that carrying out my greater duties demands the laying aside of smaller matters, and that I have a genuine passion for my duty to fly.

I wish that I have persuaded that I am of a different mind than last week and that my attendance in this job will be reconsidered.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Songs and games

Have you ever heard a random song for the first time, and it captivates you because it expresses exactly the thoughts or feelings stirring inside?
How about a game? Does some strategem in a game suggest to you strategies you need to apply to your own life? Worse yet, remind you of the strategy you failed to incorporate?
This week has been shockingly incredible. and every turn of the tide reveals another question.

I grieve.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

A few pics from today

tonight's monopoly game as an allegory of me: have a little bit of everything, and all of nothing

Sunghee from South Korea-goes to Crossroads and now is taking lessons from my former piano teacher. Phenomenal pianist and charming lady.

Me next to a Steinway grand with a painting of Franz Liszt in the background

encouraging quote of the day:
Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
-Albert Einstein

reflective quote of the day:
I'm on a roll now, I gotta know how this dream ends.-Toby Kieth

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

lamronreveN

"Now we can bake!!"
My dad is equally as excited as my mom to finally get an oven in the house. Throughout our stay at 5 Inglewood lane for the past 2 1/2 years (minus a year stint in Nashville), we've never had a real oven--you know, the kind you put food in and push a Bake button and viola, cooked food. Nay, my parents picked and chose every detail of the house but didn't select an oven. We have a silent dishwasher, Meile steam oven (hardly a cubic foot of space inside), GE microwave/oven (around 1.5 cubic feet), a gas range, trash compactor, marble countertops...but no oven. So finally, dad bought a real oven, and after its 2 month residence in the garage and 3 week residence in the house next to the mirror (the cube with the red tablecloth covering it, for you who've been inside the house), he rigged up the electrical, and we installed it tonight.
That wasn't today's only instance of the extra-ordinary. I was hoping to fly to MO/IA/KS/NE today and Wednesday, but Tim actually took off yesterday without me because the weather this week is capricious and unrelenting, so he had to go while he could. Jesse -a best friend from high school- went back to school at 4:45 this morning, so i got up and made the 5-minute drive to the airport to tell him goodbye. Not wanting to waste any more moonlight, i went back home and suited up with warm clothes, MP3 player and heart rate monitor and went out for an hour of jogging/fast walking. After a nice shower, i got something to eat for breakfast and studied my pipeline route for two hours.
Dad's oven-installing project caused 'my' beautiful kitchen to become again a zone of disarray, as his tearing out a cabinet and drawer displaced lots of stuff that had to be relocated to somewhere. Driven by not mere instinct but by sheer annoyance at disorder, i invested another 3-4 hours adjusting the location of the contents of several drawers and cabinets just to make everything not only 'go somewhere and fit' but to actually be aesthetically appealing as well as practical. During my mom's leave (she's been gone since December 22nd) from the house, i have assumed the role of housekeeper. And in all honesty, i've done a pretty good job.
I wrote out an initial contact letter to the flight department at University of Illinois to inquire of the possibility of instructing for them soon. My idea is to instruct at U of I and possibly take on another degree of study while still flying the pipeline part time. On a side note, it must have been God's hand that deflected me from ever noticing that U of I had a good flight program. Because I learned of schools with aviation curriculums all across the country, but i never noticed the one just 55 minutes away that also offered studies in another interest of mine. As Daisy exclaimed last night, "God is good!", and i know that without His leading to LeTourneau, then my experiences in Virginia, Ohio, and Alaska wouldn't have happened.
That nap i planned from the morning? that didn't go. I got done with the kitchen, practiced the piano, and by then the afternoon was gone. Brandon and i tossed the baseball around a bit before he sprained his ankle coming down on the curb and wanted me to take him to the ER.
Yeah, none of the ordinary.
Now what what is it time for? Four strings and a bow.

Monday, January 02, 2006

A new year's splurge

Brandon and I did go to Chicago today. At the conclusion of a restless preceding evening, i decided that i ought to treat my friend, whose days with me are numbered, to a day in the big city. My flying experience did suffer, but that's something i can recover in the very near future. A friendship, on the other hand, is not something one can neglect and hope to get back the same way it was before. We did have a very good time, too. We visited the Field museum-specifically the Pompeii exhibit- the Planetarium and dined at a ritzy restaurant called Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

One observation of note took place in the Planetarium. First off, let me say that modern museums in general are shrines to evolutionary thought. And evolutionists say that WE are the religious fanatics?? After spending several hours around illustrations and videos of evolution since "555 million years ago" decorating the exhibits of cosmic space and flourishing animal life, religion is certainly a word that rings loud in my

mind. Anyways, this billboard about the 'birth of stars' had a short explanation that all cosmic bodies began as stellar dust that is "recycled into new stars, planets-even us"!
That will make the front page! SCIENTISTS CONCLUDE THAT ALL HUMANITY IS SPECIALIZED SPACE DUST.
How about that.

During the normal week, I try not to concentrate on the things other than business, productivity and rest time, but technically today is still a weekend, so i can write my impressions from a challenge my friend Brandon gave me tonight on our drive back from Chicago. We were at the first stoplight after Illinois Avenue on Lake Shore Drive when he said that he wishes I would just relax in my relationships, not care so intensely with their success. To which i admitted that my relationships are like a project to me..."there's your problem!" he interjected. We continued on that course of conversation, and of course it branched off to its particular applications, and as I sit here now, i come to realize that what i said about relationships being like a project is actually true. I stay up all night and spill all my effort creating, organizing, critiquing and editing my school and personal projects towards the goal of a brilliant, successful outcome.
Tonight i find myself guilty of making such 'projects' out of my relationships. Those of you who have been with me through the 'editing' stages-or maybe a few of you are still there!- may understand my ways. For some of my friends, the cementing of the relationship came just naturally; no major snags needed 'editing.'
What's the downside of my methods? The downside is that i am fixated on the ultimate end of that 'brilliant, successful' outcome of the project, the relationship. Yes, i have gone to extremes in the pursuit, and it's because i am wired to desire the best result in what I do.
Maybe people and relationships are to be considered different than a tangible, objective 'project' with a self-conceived end in mind. Maybe a relationship is about investing and praying for return. Maybe a relationship is about finding the path of least resistance, and if the walking the path becomes too much of a hassle, then maybe it isn't one on which I ought to be. Even God, at the end of all time, will hear from some, "Thy will be done," and will say to others, "Thy will be done." Perhaps a relationship is about judging what the will of the other person is and acquiescing to or indulging that person's will.
Or perhaps a relationship is solely another adventure along an unknown proverbial road to an unknown destination. That being the case, then Brian and #1, you were and are right all along.

Well, hopefully i've made sense of one thing: if not relationships, then myself. That's one step towards doing better at my end. I will try to relax this topic until the weekend.
For now, Carpe Diem.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

2005 in review

As the earth previously passed this point in orbit, I had this to look forward to:

Early January: I believe i've spent my last days living in Bloomington

January 17: Glad to escape Longview for 28 hours, visited Brandon and Heather in Plano; watched a movie, slept over at Brandon's aunt's house, ate half a quiche.

January ?: learn of our moving back to Bloomington.

January 19 and later: One word--- Kelli. Still dealing with the "desert" of our friendship. She double-minded-- sometimes charmed, sometimes complacent when it comes to me--me, confused and unwilling to give up on the relationship. Brandon's opinion of her: "Daughter of a syphelitic camel." That relationship still traumatizes me today, as i fear i am probably repeating my mistake of forcing a relationship to any ends. if it doesn't come naturally and "without hassle (as Usen wisely declares)", is it really worth having?

January 28: "You're in." To Alaska, that is. Dwayne King met us guys interested in going to Alaska for what sounded like a career but ended up being just a summer. We had ice cream at LeTourneau University's President's home, looked at pictures and discussed our little mission up there. The details of the plan were not carried out in reality, but as I discovered in my time up there, plans were indeed made for the purpose of getting broken.

February: big month spiritually. Journal on the topics of security, personal worth, failure, discouragement, kindness, thanksgiving, God's beauty, will and Word.
February 17: Provide piano music for our school's Etiquette Banquet at Pinecrest Country Club. Receive many compliments and praises from among the 150 who attended the banquet.

March 5: Day of The Ride. Pedal my bike from school to the Texas/Louisiana border. By the day's end, got a picture of my bike and I by Louisiana's state sign and had 100 miles on my trip meter.

March 8: recruited as Mr. Foulk's carbs lab grader and lab assistant

March 10-20: visit Egypt, Sanai, Israel and Jordan and everywhere in between. Wrote 23 typewritten, 11-font, single-spaced pages of journals from that trip.

March 29: "No more arduous hours in the simulator! No more cramming! No more restless nights! No more burden!" I am donned Flight Instructor at 2:30 in the afternoon

April: journal on themes of loving others, living such that beautifies the gospel, death, time with God, truth and...girls.

April 3: write year's first letter to my future, unknown wife

April 6: mom accidentally overdosed our cat Peanut on tranquilizer, and he died.

April 8: Nancy Ortiz, a bright young student loved by all who knew her, died of a fatal disease. See my last Hootenanny as a student at LU.

April 13: Greg Buchanan, our favorite harpist in the world, visits again and inspires 2 1/2 pages of journal reflections.

April 15-16: take my aviation mechanic's practical test and pass. the test was overrated.

April 23: see Ginny Owens in concert

May 2: begin last Finals Week-so i pray!- at LeTu.

May 4: memorize 1,000 multiple-choice questions in prep for my written aviation mechanic's test.

May 5: take threee written tests for my aviation mechanic's license. Become a licensed A&P mechanic.

May 7: "The miracle came; Grace met me; You, God, got me through!" Graduated from LeTourneau University as a Bachelor of Science, flight instructor and aviation mechanic.

May 15-17: put together a neat scrapbook of keepsakes and memorables from the last four years

May 25 - September 29: Alaska!!
-build a handsome professional resume with my experiences in Alaska
-train three private pilots
-make some of the best friends ever
-first lessons on the violin
-fall in love for Daisy Delay and learn to cry again when she left
-see the most beautiful places my eyes will see on this side of eternity
-learn a ton about relationships, flying and God
-and about 3/4 of my Mead notebook of journals

Post-Alaska weeks: reflect on the tangles of materialism rampant in these Lower 48

October: themes of sufficiency, risk, relationships, eternity, grace

October 9: interview for coveted flight instructor job in Peoria; lose it to another guy

October 16: called with another job offer as an aerial pipeline surveillance pilot

November: themes of #1, love, answered prayer, covetousness, nearness to God

November ?: Best friend Jonathan Dassow gets engaged to Jennifer Kerr

November 18: talk to #1 for the first time, who has, thanks to Rachel, gotten to know me a little already

November 20: pray specifically for financial stability by this time in 2006

November 26: "Little threads in my life - Abby, Bible study, Tim, are stitching a message for me, I'm seeing. All this tells me that I'm sought after - pulled alogside a holy Pursuer whose ambition is for me to like Him and be like Him. He wants my life to stream from our relationship. He wants me to be a beneficiary of His love and to stand openly and honestly in His presence. He wants me to heal, to change my ways, to mirror Truth and to relax in His care"..."When was the last time I counted as loss what I gained because it took the place of the excellency of the knowledge of Christ?"

December: themes of relationship with God, #1, money, ambitions, variety, inter-personal failures, flying, fatigue, faith, marriage, death

December 2: turn 23 years old, Abby is the only one in the world to call and wish me a happy birthday. Dad gives me my first violin. Very happy!

December 9: Dr. Bowers informs that no surgery needed to correct my bite, shovel snow for 17 hours.

December 10: for the first time, ask a girl's father for blessing to date his daughter

December 11: for the first time, ''ask a girl out''

December 20-23: a string of eventful and very tiring days of flying

December 23: fall into despondency for not finding myself as the person i hoped i'd be by this time. Write long letter to God, end with a good faith lesson.

December 24: family leaves for Arizona until New Year's. enjoy an evening with a best friend Jesse Rimshas

December 25: Best friends Jesse Rimshas and Robbie Heindl both get engaged to Karen and (name coming soon!), respectively. Spend the day with the Loy family, receive a $40 gas card from them.

December 29: called by Office Max to arrange for an interview for a part-time desktop publisher position. Next to piano, writing, and flying, computer publishing is a mature gift of mine. Praying i get the job! Grandma Glabe has her neck surgery.

December 28-31: Best friend Brandon Nelson and i spend lots of time together hanging out and playing Monopoly, Rook and Bible trivia.

December 31: see Hope Shaffer for the first time in three years. Toast glasses of sparkling strawberry juice with Brandon at midnight.

January 1, 2006: Perform first piece coherently on the violin: Bach's Minuet 1.