picture of sister Rosanna

After your long wait, Angela, here she is...
(mom and sister)

On the spiritual

These blog deals are really wonderful things--if one finds the right people to read, that is. I had a particular young lady's blog address in my Bookmarks, and i have no idea how it got there because I don't know her, and my friend Doug (who is familiar with her) doesn't remember telling me about her. She is one rare jem of an individual. Her mind is in tune with the spirit of God, and His nature is dwelling in her heart. Her writing is magnificient and captivates me. The words she spilled out this evening blessed me in that they speak for myself:

I'm feeling pressed for time on every side,
And, in turn, I am sacrificing that time which is most important to me,
And to You.

I read Your word every morning, but the words, they just don't seem to be going past my eyes.
They just don't seem to be entering my heart.
I am reading, but I fear that I am no longer listening.
Are Your words mute, or am I deaf?

Until exactly this afternoon, this description was me. I'm glad you all can't have a way to hear my thoughts and understand my feelings because they have been frustrated by all the change surrounding me. I've felt almost claustrophobic within the new world closing around my life. My times with God have consisted of a mere few passing minutes. Nichole Nordeman's lyrics "I look to my time with You to keep me awake and alive" have been convicting. Well, i did get some time alone this afternoon and I set my Bible on my lap and read through Isaiah 33, 40 and 41. Every word went sunk in, and i truly cherished that time. God's word was real for me. I realized with all my being that God is the one Who fuels my passion for life and godliness. I cannot harvest the golden opportunities that lie ripe on my territory and expect to be satisfied by them alone. No, the perfect satisfaction comes from God. The life experiences just give a new medium through which God plans to grow and prosper and satisfy us, but the devotion to Him must persist. Without Him is emptiness, darkness, a closed space. I beleive God gave me my present disposition so that I can be closer to him. I beleive that's what the will of God is in every turn of our lives-a step from abandonment towards companionship. God is to be feared, adored and served. He expects me to reach a new level of fearing, adoring and serving Him in this new step of life. So no matter how great my present job disposition is, I must submit to this one truth: He Is.
Have you ever read 1 Corinthians 13 with the perspective that "This is how God loves me"? In my 22 years, not once have i read the Love Chapter with the consideration that this is God's love. Wow.

To my unknown wife:
I call you Dove because you give me peace
I call you Beautiful because you are a work of art created by the Master Artist
I call you Precious because you're the best there is for me
I call you Treasure because inside you is radiance exceeding the world's jewels
I call you Valiant because you've braved life's challenges
I call you Heroic because you've found victory through your fierce trials
I call you Faithful because you've continually beleived in me
I call you Lovely because our God is your first love.

The real deal

I'm sorry that it took two of my faithfuls to prompt me to write again. My innate sense of inadequacy should have driven me to this before peer pressure did. The time is 2AM on Thursday morning, a retreat from the normal bedtime. you'll hear why soon. i'll need to keep this condensed, so here we go.
Friday Oct 22 - drive to Peru and talk to Chuck. he's the entrepreneur who started Midwest Avtech. he maintains the airplanes. told me i'd have chances to work in the shop and on the flight line filling and moving planes. Drive home and mow lawns with Scott for a few hours .
Saturday - go biking at 7:30 A in cold air, wear sweater and warm-up pants. find difficulty in riding fast with so much clothing on. Work with Scott til noon. Go to Ill. State Univ. football game; they win 36-3.
Sunday - Church, good lunch, nap, go on the church singles' group outing to Sugar Creek, have dinner, play games and sit by the fire. Meet plenty of people who are all older than me but are very nice.
Monday - Tim and I fly the Cessna 310 to Rochester, Minnesota to take an aged woman to Mayo Clinic. 3 hours in 310.
Tuesday - Fly with Tim 3.5 hours on the pipeline from Peru thru Chicago to Kankakee. Get called away 1/2 way thru route for urgent charter flight. Return to Peru and fly the Navajo to Fort Dodge, Iowa to pick up a 12" by 44" steel pipe. Review pipeline route.
Wednesday - 7 hours to finish pipeline route thru Chicago, Gary, Indiana, the Quad cities, near St. Louis and back. Then some vital factory component broke in Peoria, so Tim and i flew it onboard the Navajo to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to get it fixed. It ended up being unserviceable, so we left it there and departed Pittsburgh at 10:30PM (Penn time) for home. Flew left seat on way back; 5.5 hours in Navajo. Spent more time in the air this day than on the ground.
Look what the Lord has given!
The nostalgia of travelling is still thriving in me.

good night,
Radar

Quotes of the day

"Oh, Miss Marian. Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays."

"There was love all around, but i never heard it singing, no i never heard it at all till there was you." (remember this about me, Elmo?)

Harold Hill-The Music Man

And four to go: reprise

As a song in a minor key is repeated in a major, such is this week. I see God's goodness unfolding in the form of a better job than what I even wanted. The same lady who passed me up as a flight instructor vied for me to her friend at Midwest Avtech. He-Tim- called me on Sunday and invited me to go fly the pipeline with him on Monday at 7AM. So i drove up there Monday morning and flew with Tim for 3 1/2 hours, and between my kiddish exclamations of glee at the airplane I was flying in (Diamond Star [http://www.diamondair.com/contentc/da40frame.htm]), Tim told me about his business, his career, and his many unfortunate experiences with past pilots. Long story short, I would be able to fly more, get paid more and go more places than i would as an instructor, and i would have genuine opportunities to fly larger airplanes, specifically a Cessna 310 and a Piper Navajo. He used the phrase "i'm hiring you to fly the line first, but"... I'm celebrating inside and am 99% sure that this is for real! I will want to explode Tim's perception of a decent employee and determine if this is the career path God is directing me to.
The airport is up in Peru, Illinois, an hour's drive from home. I know plenty of people in the Peru area because i went to school there for 6th grade, so perhaps i could rent a room in someone's house. The other option is to commute. Timewise, it would be worthwhile. But financially, the commute itself might break me over a long time.
Lord, i pray that what i think i see happening is real and that You'll help me jump over the hurdles to make it work.
----
Yesterday I worked for a bit with Scott (who hired me to help him with his lawn mowing business), and we swung by a farm equipment (all of un-citied Illinois looks like a farm from the air) garage and talked to some of his co-firestation volunteers there. Well one of these guys used to work at the airport, and he remembered my airplane crash all the way back in 2001. He even concurred with the date I told him (June 16) and said "yeah, my friend got married on the same day, and it was that Saturday in June." He recalled the number of people on board and where we crashed and even what the plane looked like all smashed up. So meeting this guy was cool.

And four to go...and then not

-I got up at 6:15 this morning and went on a 17-mile bike ride with a buddy of mine. The day was clear, had a gentle west wind, and the morning air was humid. As i rode through it at 18 mph, i could feel the moisture collecting on my lips. Yet i basked in hope of warmer hours, when the volume of water in the air would diminish, and the wind would be still cool to breathe pleasurably.
Two hours after i returned from that trip, i left again and visited the bank, my former piano teacher, and the Howertons (but they were not home).
Total mileage for the day: 31.5 miles.
-After like a week of not talking to Angela-which seems to me a long time-she called tonight while she waited for her friend to come over. She told me of something bold she did this afternoon. All the old letters that she kept over the years she offered to God upon an altar of fire. "Why be concerned with things of the past?" I asked her advice for my journals that i've filled up and stored over the years. I have shared Angela's idea for the recent year, but since i beleived my future wife (if He so wills her be) might appreciate reading that stuff. However, her insight was that we ought to be concerned about us in the present. Consistent with my current critique of my own materialist habits, I am taking serious consideration to our discussion tonight.
-I called Legacy Aviation myself tonight, after two weeks of noncontact, and found that the guy who interviewed after me boasted better credentials, so Linda and Rosemary decided to hire him. They did not leave me out on a limb, though. My resume was forwarded to Midwest Avtech, another company in Peoria, and allegedly they're seeking to hire a pipeline observer and one to work on airplanes. Flying the pipeline would be so much fun! Perhaps my contact with Legacy was but a bridge God used to somewhere else.
If i end up getting a decent job and staying here through next spring, i wish to accept an offer to teach instrument ground school at Image Air, the FBO at BMI. I wouldn't be paid for it, but the experience would be valuable.
-One short-term goal of mine is to type out my journal from the summer-all 100+ pages of it. I found it interesting how my entries are kinda blah-blah until Daisy comes into the scene. Almost suddenly, emotion is injected into the pages and i'm writing longer, more meaningfully and vividly. I'm getting to relive the drama. As thankful as I am about the way things turned out with Anthony (wow, didn't he consume my thought life for weeks!), I fail to regret the way the story involving him began. I halfway wish i coulda lived the whole week of the Alaska Fair when i built my first impression of him. But he would have been different, i beleive. Daisy herself said that she did a lot of growing up this summer, and it was the result of "iron sharpening iron, so a man sharpens the countenace of his friend." [So that is why Daisy said that the view from the lookout behind Dave's house reminds her of that verse. we spent our last time together there] Anthony and I both grew up too, and it turned around to make for a sweet ending.
-Last comment. I see the importance of a couple loving each other as an outgrowth of their personal relationship with God. A harmonious relationship with another person of the opposite sex is best done standing on the foundation of a trusting, humble relationship with God. Both need to be standing there. Or else the balance will be upset.

A Dr. Dobson quote

"A perfect marriage is not one where perfection reigns. It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of 'unresolvables'."

- finished my second reading of Lewis' Till We Have Faces
-worked for 2 hours this afternoon; get to work again tomorrow too!
-making progress on Beethoven's 5th on the piano. A different mood enters me whenever i practice that piece.
-fixed my bike's flat tire and recabled and adjusted the rear derailleur
-appreciating how that so many verses in Isaiah are complemented by other verses in the Bible. Examples on the way.

Three to get ready

Just for clarification, I am quite content with the job i've been occupied with the last two days. The weather has been great, my boss is super, and yardwork is a niche of mine. So no, i am not discouraged to be doing this. But thank you for your concern for my happiness!!
I get to do alot of thinking, too. A couple good thoughts came to mind this afternoon.
1) I have never felt so unqualified for marriage or courting as i am now. I am so focused on getting a start on my career that i would be a rude awakening to that special woman who is anticipating the perfect love story. And what about economical support? Man! I am trusting God to bring us, whoever you are, together in His season. I'm praying for you in our waiting period.
2) Celine Dion's songs are consistently inspirational to me. It was during the listening of her best hits album, mixed with a memory, that the next thing came to mind. The memory was of TV and other couples arguing over once-insignificant problems that festered into big issues. The idea was "and they shall become one flesh." I think differently about that verse now. My belief is that God's meaning in this pre-sin ordinance was dual and more. Most obviously, it is a commission for a guy and girl to have sex (i'm so blunt, aren't I?). Secondly, it implies that the man and wife are so tight in agreement that they are like one person "in the flesh" on the earth; they are so inline with one another that the effect is that of one individual vanishing from earth's population. The commission was given before sin entered the world; consequently, God's original ideal is unattainable. [As we could theorize, it was probably one of the most humanly unattainable of God's ideals because it first flopped when tested] But Christ repeated those words as truth in His day, so the divine intention stands. A couple can still work towards the "one flesh" (for so few couples are indeed "one flesh") from many angles. Communication, reliance, and predictability are some qualities of a relationship that would do it well. My opinion. (As grossly inexperienced as i am, i think my opinion is credible yet.)

Just wanna shout out to the few but precious people who read my blog! hi Randy, Usen, Heather, Suzie, and Angela! thank you for reading. you make me feel appreciated.

One for the money

Since i seem to have lost the talent of thinking and writing coherently these days, all i have-again-is bullet points.
+i've been trying three inches from desperation to earn my scoop of this economy's financial resources and thereby fulfil my responsibilities. 1) i haven't heard from the Peoria flight school yet; the flesh part of me is offsetting the spiritual faith-standing part of me 2) i interviewed for a position at the nearby video store. Not available in mornings? Available only 1PM to midnight? Sorry, buddy. We'll add your app to the pile of rejects. 3) i talked on the phone with the HR of a collections company, and she asked some of the same questions i answered on my application. And i gave the same answers. Then she asked me what i know about the company. I replied, candidly, "You basically call up people who haven't paid their bills and nag them to do so." I'd say that i'm gifted in reading the inward thoughts of a woman by what and how she speaks, and i'd say that this HR wasn't pleased with my answers. Hey, i can't please everyone when i'm acting myself. 4) By God's grace, i did get offered a temporary -Tues and Weds- job mowing lawns. And i am enjoying that.

+My life is simple at the moment: Spend time with God. Make money. Fly. See orthodontist monthly and pray daily for healthy teeth again. Practice my music. Ride bike. Sleep. Write down what stirs within my head.

+My present equation for Happiness: Home (companionship, personal space), Health (fed regularly, no nagging physical problems, clean environment, good sleep), Heat (warm bed, clothes, shower).

+Materialists are we. How to make an American feel worth? Give him stuff. How to make him happy? Give him stuff. How to fulfill him? Give him stuff. How to grieve him? Take away his stuff.

Two for the show

Just how do i decide to write a new journal entry? I've the conclusion that when i have two notable items on my mind at the same time i have reason to write. That tells you something about just how little of my thought life is remarkable.

anyway, the first is that i know why i have such difficulty sight-reading my music: my hands are disoriented on the keyboard without visual aid. So i've been spending quality time teaching my hands to play by only the sense of touch-an skill i should have acquired many, many years ago. I am a good music memorizer, as you know. That is due in part to my dual learning strengths-sight and touch (kinesthetics). The way music goes into me best is that multifaceted process, too. When i look at music on the page, my habit is to see how my hands look on the keys when i play it, and feel also where they are; my ears verify the quality of my key choices. But when i'm forced to look only at the page when i play the music, i need to be feeling for the right notes with my hands, but sometimes my ears' itching for the right sound leads my hands to 'hunt' around for it, resulting in a sloppy form of performance. I'm out of school, but i'm still trying to learn stuff.
Because the biggest lesson i got from school is just how little i know.
---
The police dropped the remaining of Shane Delay's charges. Just when he thought things couldn't get worse, he found that things were not all that they seem. From the beginning, I told him that love would find him in such time of peril. He's doing alright now. I wonder if he'll drop his charges against God.
---
Angela and i conversed for an hour and 1/2 today. Beautiful is committing to a calling to go to Alaska. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together for her; she will need our prayers to complete the process. Perhaps she'll find her husband on the mission field. She has pure criteria for her husband: he's the guy with whom she can serve God better with rather than apart.
---
I threw together a soup tonight that turned out to be very good. I was surprized! Here's my recipe:
2 cans pureed tomatoes, juice included
2 cans red chili beans, without juice
1 can creamed corn
1 finely chopped carrot
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion
2 tablespoons cooking oil
(spices pending)

Stuff

I don't have, like, actual stories to share with you. Just stuff is going on, and it's not been too exciting. Nothing like walking on a glacier or having the ride of my life or seeing Lake Clark from 2,000' on a sunny day. All i've got is bulletpoints from my day's thoughts.

• after getting ground-mailed up to Alaska and express mailed from Alaska, my bicycle now has very little resale value due to the gashes and mars on its paint job. But everything else is straight and riding great!
• Stupid plans!! if only i had not used sticking to my 'plans' as an excuse last Tuesday afternoon, i could have ridden the best bike trails i'd ever seen.
• Do, at the least, just a little of what you know you should, and do it now. Just a little is 100% better than nothing at all.
• Don't play mind games. Play life as it comes.
• Eat to live; don't live to eat.
• Focus

Anthony sent me an alarming email yesterday. He asked me "Who's this girl Hope and what are you doing lying in her bosom?" How does he know about Hope? And what picture of us did he see?

Actually, i had forgotten what i told to Daisy on Tuesday night about my instructor job status: "At the moment, i am resting in the bosom of hope that i will get the job." Daisy told that to Anthony and, wha-la, we have a paradox ! (please tell me if i used 'paradox' correctly) Well, i called Daisy to ask her what the deal was, and she told me the whole of it.

Thanks for your compliment, Elmo. Your favorite pianist has been practicing a new piece, Liszt's transposition of Beethoven's compelling 5th Symphony. While progress is slow and threatened to halt, i'm enjoying learning the musical expression of frustration with the misfortunes of life. "So pocht das Schicksal an die Pforte"; 'Thus Fate knocks at the door', the interpretation of the most famous four notes in music.

Angela left a voice message on my phone this evening. Her first words: "hey handsome."

I left a voice message on Angela's phone 30 minutes later. My first words: "hey beautiful." We're always so candid.

God, I'm in the waiting/ ready to used of You out there/will you grant what i'm praying/weave still my life with care.

Adjusting

I spent 20 minutes on the line with Daisy this evening. The temp is down to the twenties in Glennallen. They received a sprinkling of snow today. No shows of the Aurora yet.
She and Anne went jogging in 29 degrees; "perfect for jogging," said Daisy. Meanwhile, on the other side of our country, i am wiping sweaty palms on my jeans and driving with the windows open to the 88 F air.
I will never perceive "fun" in the same way again. Fun is bludgeoning salmon to the death; trying to keep the van ON the Glenn Highway; getting myself, a student and 200 "Sleep Deprivation" stranded in Palmer overnight; hiking up a mountain trail; sitting still on a lookout over a roaring river; dodging trees, rocks and ice with an airplane; getting hugged; cracking a whip; skipping stones; floating in a boat moored to shore while adoring brilliant facets of creation all around and next to me; trusting my life to four little pistons the size of my fist; having nothing to say in regards to the stunning panorama before my eyes.
Remind me, what did i do here for satisfying fun?
--
Heather is making plans to come see me at the end of this month. I hope that works out. Think she would enjoy the environment i come from.
--
Today i visited Jacki Sabota's blog site and discovered a new sort of beauty.
--
We're such materialists. Companionship, adventure, sustenence, productivity, health and faith is the stuff happiness is made up of.

Another comment turned blog

Yes, 'disenchanted' is my word for my days back, too. i don't feel flirtacious, marvelled or spellbound. My lifestyle that i left behind in May has not caught up to me yet; i'm still bored by television, roads, the niceness of things, and the flat unruggedness. I'm going to have to get used to this again, and that might take awhile. Meanwhile, i am anxious to return to flying because flying has become synonomous with Alaska. I went in for my interview with Linda and Rosemary at Legacy Aviation this afternoon. They are a pleasure to talk with and be around, and in the 1 1/2 hours we spent together, I think they formed a liking toward me. I'm praying that God does lean their hearts to favor me, for another applicant interviewed behind me, because i very much want this job. At the outset, it appears i may have opportunity to utilize each of my experiences as an instructor, mechanic, writer and Alaska-seasoned pilot. So please pray that this comes to pass!

Pictures:

1: the famous Knik gorge calving glacier

2: the Shack

3: Philip, Randy, Daisy, me at Matanuska Glacier

First post

I met a girl tonight who also spent some of her summer in Alaska. Her name is Mary, and and talking to her rekindled many feelings and memories that have been just recently closed up inside my mind. To say the least, it was a blessing. Now when i spot pictures of mountains or glaciers or hear people say 'Alaska', a sensation comes over me like a cool wind and i click back to a mood of some yesterdays. Being a sojourner in Alaska really did affect me, but effects, i think, are evident only when key scenarios arouse them to come forth: Scenarios involving driving a stick shift, flying, cooking, some girls, my Bible, talking to Angela, Brian, Daisy and Randy, and thoughts of missions. When acting out my normal life to which i have now returned, i can expect for the influence of Alaska to lie dormant until moments like my discussion with Mary come my way.
As the title suggests, this is a first blog post. I've never written a blog in the lower 48, so this is a first. Yesterday and today were my first days here since my four-month stay in Alaska. The adjustment is still taking place. A feeling has prevailed in me that i've not had before. I feel guilty. Here I am in comfort; i am warm, fed, and can earn money if i need some, and i am surrounded by opportunities to find happiness. Everyone else I see is in the same disposition, and some possess great wealth that could be halved many times over and still be sufficient for their needs.
I've lived in a place where people are praying for the survival or complete construction of their very home.
We are impartial to their existence. Face it-if those who are able had the chance, would they really help them? Who many plan to help others with their livelihood?
Why do we live in decadence when they are living in despair?