Last post

Dear friends and family,
this is the last post of my time in Alaska. I'm leaving wonderland tomorrow, and i don't know if i'll be the same when i get back home. will i lack the focus and contentment and peace i enjoyed here when i return to society? will i appreciate, like the very air i breathe, being around people who understand me? will i appreciate people at all? will the pain in my jaw, the soreness i've been spared for four months, come back? will i remember what truly matters? will my heart still be loud within me? will i still be affected so by beauty?
Yesterday, i had worlds of difficulty with the 'mystery machine', i.e. the brown van. First, i wore down the battery trying to get it started, and second, i found at Wal-Mart following three hours of unsuccessful jumping that the power lead had come disconnected from the battery solenoid. I also suffered disappointment at my never getting my bike into town and riding it on 4-wheeler trails for a day.
Today, Sam and i flew to Iliamna. The word i'd use to summarize the trip is Risk. We took off runway 6. We left Iliamna with 45 minutes of fuel less than full. We skirted the mountains of Lake Clark pass and flew low over jade-colored beautiful Lake Clark itself. And speaking of emergency landing areas... the mountains and the way the sunlight illuminated them were enchanting. We exited the Alaska range on our way back, and i felt so let down by all the flat land and featureless terrain. Yet, i knew i was returning to society, where people are. I could be one stuck out in some small village repairing and flying airplanes day in and day out. I could be without human companionship in the wilderness. That would be a measly way to live.
hey, i'm worn out. i should be in my own home around 2 on Friday afternoon. Pray over the airplane and the pilots if you think about me.
Talk to you soon. then from the Lower 48.
God bless your heart.

Monday pictures and a comment

Just want to get this thought down in my own space. I wrote this to Elmo tonight:
wish my writing could bring on you a better effect than sadness. tell me this at least-do you miss the ranch or do you miss Daisy? yesterday in my flight back, one of my many thoughts included "good bye, Alaska." Part of my glamorous Alaska left with Daisy. Being here does not feel the same without the light of her countenance to shine over it. She made this place much of what it appeared to me.

Pictures:
-SuperCub 77KF with me on the south slope of King Mountain. The mountain is off on my left.
-A spectacular capture looking up the Coal river valley.
-Our resident Taylorcraft left some evidence of its crash site. Dwayne found this propeller tip just like so about 30 feet before the runway. It's resting on a hand-sized rock and has some blue paint smears on it. This was some violent impact and gives a good object lesson: Using just enough runway is great, Using all the runway is okay, using the runway and beyond is unfortunate, but using no runway at all is disasterous.
-Matching the evidence.
-The better picture of me with Scribby's skis.

pictures from Sunday

Best this way--Another day worked out

Just last night at 10:30, the thought occurred to me that I ought to fly to Hal’s this morning; “fly to church”. So at 9:50 this morning, Daniil and I jumped in and took off. In the air, i looked at my cellphone and saw my message light blinking. So i looked at my list of missed calls and saw that Daisy had just called me three minutes ago. I checked her message, but being unable to hear every bit, I picked up only “try...call you...to...” So I assumed the worst, you know. ‘Oh no; she can’t stop and see me after all.’ I sank into mild heartache, as my hope to see Daisy for the last time seemed near to getting disappointed. For as the Proverb sys, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” It turned my cares to my flying. “At leas I get to fly today”, i thought. The first item of business after parking the plane at Hal’s was to really listen to that voice message. Turns out, Daisy is just coming back earlier and wants to meet me for lunch. A plan materialized instantly, and I called her back and proposed it to her.

After church, I played the piano for half an hour, then went downstairs for the church potluck. Seeing no seats available near my own friends, I spotted a certain blonde who I had been eyeing for many Sundays and walked over to sit next to her. I had in mind to talk to her, but as soon as I sat down, she walked away.

Coincidence or cause?

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Oh-that reminds me of an epiphany I had in church. I was thinking about the way God proves Himself – his existence, His love, His involvement – to us. And a proof that I am amazed by is His Word. It’s available to us in different translations and versions and in almost innumerable numbers. The Word of God was not allowed to be infected, immobilized or unfinished (Psalm 19) at any point in history. It is consisted all throgh and remained in self-agreement throughout the thousands of years of its revelation. That would be impossbibly by human efforts alone because every human has his own greedy agenda and opinions and feelings of the universe. Humans alone could not have written the Bible. The Spirit of God, however, who exhibits a singular wisdom and agenda was he who spoke through men to compose the Word of God. Undeniable.

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Continuing on in the day...After my little rejection, I did finally find an unused chair to take over to Daniil and Hal’s table, and I sat with them, silent, as I pondered and wrote down these notes:

Outward beauty attracts the eyes

Inward beauty attracts the heart.

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Train student pilots to turn using rudder first, then bring in rolling with ailerons. Way Navy trains their pilots.

Walk behind a wheel barrow to simulate feeling of slips and skids and coordinated turns.

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I’m a bush pilot in the same respect that I’m a concert pianist. I’ve been in both experiences enough to taste and tell what they are like. But I’m skipping all the challenges that can be thrown into those environments.

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Daisy arrived at church with her roommate Erica after the potluck. Hal and Daniil and I followed them to Long Rifle Lodge, where we talked a bit and I ordered apple pie with Moose Tracks ice cream A-la-mode. In the menu, it said next to the pie item “ALA.” Daisy asked, “Where do you see A-la mode?” I pointed to the place and told her, “Where it says ‘ALA,’ that’s ‘A-la mode’, not the god.”

I got a smile out of that one :-)

Daisy and I took a picture together out on the porch, with the Matanuska Glacier as our background. She gave me the winter hat she made for me – actually the second one she made for me. This one was attempt #2 at making a non-girly hat for me, but as she handed it over she gave me the disclaimer that this one is “girly” too. I believe her opinion above my own, and she did recommend that I give it to my “sister or somebody.” As much as I love the way it feels and looks, I must concur that it’s more feminine than is appropriate for me. I think Daisy would be flattered if I gave it away to someone very important. Hmm-wonder if mom would like it. Nevertheless, the thought counts the most. And she has given me much thought, and I am blessed for it. I wrote the following reflection after flying home this afternoon:

“The good news is I’m better for the time we spent together, but the bad news is you’re gone.”

This song by Diamond Rio repeated in my mind as I left behind a significant monent this afternoon. My last minutes in the presence of Daisy Delay have come and gone, in the way I did not expect to but in reflection, the best way. Be it the company of Hal and Daniil and her friend Erica or not, Daisy seemed quite remote from and half-interested in me and the fact that this time together may be the last we get. Circumstances work to bring people together or to split them apart, and God is the orchestrator of our circumstances. I know in the past that He met our lives together for a reason, and He did so y matching our individual circumstances.

Blessings entered my life through Daisy’s friendship, and that is clearly a mark of a true friend. Our good-bye was not the sweetest of the summer– Angela’s and mine was – but it was for the best. I did not feel my heart reaching back in longing to be with her again. I realized at a point in our brief conversation that she was not the right match for me. As good as she is, she is not as close to Perfect I once was enchanted to believe.

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I talked with Angela for half an hour! Conversations with her are always a highlight of the day.

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Mike Rhoub requested that I give a testimony at Chickaloon church about my summer, so I had to condense my contemplations of this summer into four minutes’ time. I prayed over my speech and wrote some notes as a guide, and by the time my big moment came, I had something accurate, concise and that made sense to share. In essence, I said the KAC is the identity of people who come together to receive three principal things: exposure, enrichment and experience. I elaborated briefly on each point then. A woman named Diane prayed for me during the prayer time, then talked with me after the service and said she’d continue praying for me. A guy named Charlie game me some caribou sausage, and that was good.

Mike Rhoub talked about his ministering strategy in tonight’s sermon. My mind wandered off to thinking about my teaching strategy that I found, in my time here, works. That is, to establish first a relationship with students and to make that the most important item of our agenda. That creates the environment where the student and CFI trust each other and are real with each other, and that’s when the best of both people are free to come out. Both student and instructor can benefit each other most effectively in this scenario. I am reminded of the whole bit between Angela and me. No progress could be made so long as our relationship was crumbling. I have to be all about the individual in our training and not just the goal. We will reach the goal the best if we do it together.

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Now I am reminded of some othe rspiritual admonishment I bring from this summer. Success: what does it mean for me? We can quantify what makes up success by outlining what our kids become or what airplanes we own or what job we retire from. But all that is so...temporal. Do I really want for my success to be defined by something that will pass away in time? No; success is my entrance into the very presence of God. Everything going on right now is just a step, a graduation, an ascent toward that Day when I see success. It only adds to my heavenly longing to know my success will not come to me in this world.

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So now that I am finally de-Daisyd, I recall the times when I wondered when, at the pinnacle of my infatuation for her, how ever I was living happily without her before. I felt so real, the world seemed so vivid, and life seemed so beautiful with her. When she was gone, all that crashed. I suffered the crashing down three times. I’m finally recovered and awaiting the next turn of my heart towards another fantastic woman. Then I will wonder, again, just how ever I was living happily without her before.

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Isaiah 45

Buncha graces

Larry Scribner came this morning to pick up his-rather his buyer's-skis. The first thing he said when he saw them was "Wow". Later came the comments, "Now I don't want to give these away" and "These are beauties!" Dwayne asked for $300 plus parts for the job, but Larry evidently gave more than just that because Dwayne saw the check and exclaimed, "Well God bless your heart!" Larry came by again in the afternoon, after he handed the skis over to their rightful owner and reported that the owner was "Awed." I'll mention finally now that fastening the Teflon to the ski every inch was not Dwayne's original intention. I drilled the holes when Dwayne still wanted to use rivets. My company antagonists think they look 'toyish' and 'overkill.' But the word that comes to my mind is masculine.
Another item that got done today is organizing the 152's paperwork into a 1" notebook. I was spurred into getting this done immediately because I neglected to bring the paperwork to Fairbanks.
I did no flying today, but i did mention to Dwayne that we need to get up in the SuperCub. I want to log hours in another airplane and go land on a mountain and river sandbars for the first time. I'll need to pay for gas, but all things considered, the flighttime will be inexpensive.
Five men from Glacierview church, among whom was Pastor Marlin, Pastor Mike, Bobby and Bob, came today to assist us with installing drywall in the hangar. We accomplished alot in the time we spent. After they left, Dwayne and i rearranged the hangar to make room for airplanes and swept the floor. We figure that our five airplanes and some wings and fuselages can fit. I nailed the tarpaper onto the furnace room's roof.
The insurance company called, and in the nick of time. They want us to dismantle for them a couple crashed airplanes that Dave has lifted in. We will get pay for our work at $60 an hour. In five hours' work tomorrow, I ought to have my present financial needs provided for. 2 Corinthians 9:8.
I had a scare this morning. I checked my bank balance over the phone, and the automated teller said i was overdrawn by $205. I called Marilyn over at my bank and asked her what happened that would drain my account, and she explained that the fuel pump i used yesterday pre-authorizes a $200 withdrawal from the bank account, and it takes a little time for that preauthorization to clear out. That was a great relief. It was almost the second time I spent more money than what I have.
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The top picture is of Scribby's skis all assembled, masked off, cleaned and ready for prime and paint. The tarp behind them is a corner on my homemade paint booth. The far sawhorse is one Angela and Daisy made in June. They penciled in their names nicely; Daisy drew daisy flowers on the nailheads and wrote "Phil 4:13."
The next pic was taken this morning with the finished skis, Dwayne and me.
The next one was an outstanding capture of a valley branching off the Chickaloon river valley. We're on our way to Fairbanks here.
What was supposed to be the last picture is over McKinley Park airstrip. There Angela took the initiative to salvage our relationship that had started to go bad through the previous two hours. This is a significant place, as it was home to a significant moment.
the pic won't show up.
'night.

Quote of the day

From the letter Daisy wrote to me tonight:
yeah, one more thing that made me laugh. I really never saw it coming. I was chatting with Anthony the other night and telling him about my day, either about an email or a call from you, anyway I said something about you
enjoying time with him and he says-very untypically, "If he likes me so much, how come I never hear from him" Which I think means, "yeah, I had a lot of fun too, Jonathan is really cool and I'm bummed we can't hang out more. " I was laughing inside b/c he sounded just like a girl. I didn't tell him that part.

Stressed

i hope Anthony was serious when he asked Daisy that, if i liked him so much, howcome he doesn't hear from me? Well, i wrote to him and am counting on him to have meant what he said! because i do wish we coulda kept up since i last saw him and i do wish that i can keep in contact with him.
It sounds like Daisy is still having lots of fun. I get concerned that she may be getting discouraged because Shane is around still. He is a handful, and being her sister and compelled to care and worry about him must add alot of strain on her life. I'm praying for her, and for Anthony, a person in the position to comfort and uphold her emotionally. Her telling me of her fun times with him gives me joy.
Surely you have heard about the approaching hurricane in the Gulf? I have a few close friends who will be moderately affected by it. This all seems so unreal. I am in awe that our country can deal well with calamities like back-to-back hurricanes.
I've entered in my final week here. Next Thursday i board the airplane to go home. New sentiments collect in my mind as i approach the end of my time. I feel a sense of conclusion resembling that of a school graduation. I'm satisfied with the way things happened the way they did, and i do not long to go back to it nor do i long for it to continue. However, if i were given the option to live in Glennallen with Anthony for the next three months and owe no student loan payments, i might be tearing up my ticket at the airport!...but realistically, the idea of going back is sweet, and i want it to happen.
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My excursion to Fairbanks on Monday through Wednesday impressed upon me just how much grace i'm living by. I followed in the tracks of two of my friends as they hunted down every potential business for a job opening suitable for them. I toured the elite whose requirements of an employee were unattainable for us, and i toured the low-class company whose treatment of employees amounts to hardly more than abuse-but whose requirements are at our level. Now i have friends whose view of the future is obscure and whose opportunities on the local scale are few and undesirable. I cannot help but feel their angst for myself because four years of college and a degree has to reward them something in this industry, and it seems that they are not getting much back for their investment right now. I hope their payoff comes eventually though because they're in aviation, and in aviation, the payoff comes only late. I state that so matter-of-factly, don't I? My beleif was exactly that before the present and past weeks, when i met a number of people who have been in the business and testified that it can be indefinitely unfair financially and legally. Fuel companies get greedy for money and FAA lawmaking head-honchos dream up rediculuous regulations to gain reputation, and both phenomena just smother aviation. I'm not expecting the big payoff yet, but i once had higher hopes for a payoff in my and my friends' future.
If i could extract us from this season of our lives, i would. We are under sentence of our inexperience and youth. The next few years are going to be very difficult.
One epiphany i had this week is that we went to school to prepare to work hard. We didn't go to school to prepare for a good job; for an entry-level pay-the-dues work-hard job that will step us up to the good jobs. But my concept of entry-level was not as severe as what i presently perceive they are.
Now, part of my emotional unrest springs from my desire to be among them in this scenario because that would seem more fair. You see, i almost did not have the flight instructor certificate and its consequent bonus privileges and hence opportunities. But by God's grace coming in the form of a few pivotal words from people who love and care for me the most, i am that. Dwayne described me as the melancholic personality temperament and -no surprise-a romantic. I would feel beside myself to be working some jobs that i may have had to, given that i were not a flight instructor. After Tuesday and Wednesday, i felt content with the idea in being an educator for the rest of my life. The ranch felt like my haven as i walked around last (Wednesday) night. Everything seemed good but THAT i saw in Fairbanks. The threat of living cold and lonely never touched me so deeply. Lord, lead me to a fairer fields.
Moreover, i am blessed to have parents who are welcoming me back home so i can survive. My plight is real, and without them, i don't know what i would do.
So these are some contemplations I took back from Fairbanks, compacted into written word.
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I had an exciting time during my flight today. Winds in Palmer were from the left at 19 gusting to 22 knots. Mist and light rain obscured the windshield. Landing the 152 was astonishingly difficult; i cruised over 2500' of runway in ground effect waiting for just a pause in the jolting turbulence so 488 "Elanor" would respond to my control inputs and sink down to the pavement. I did this twice, and twice i prayed my hardest ever during an airplane landing. The touchdowns were smooth, though, and i spent the following minutes catching my breath and thanking the Lord for helping me keep us and the airplane safe. Those were the most challenging landings I have ever made in my career.

I'm four flight hours away from reaching 150 hours in Alaska. Praise God for His generosity!
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I'm a slacker: here are thoughts from earlier today that i wrote to Daisy. Some overlap will be here, so please forgive.
I returned from fairbanks last night with Sam in 200SD. and get this-we were weathered out of the valley. that's my third stopover in Palmer in that airplane. We stayed in Palmer in the first cause because we were low on fuel. Then Dwayne called from the ranch and said that the weather was not safe to fly back. Daniil drove over and got us.
being in Fairbanks was a time of stress for me. i was glad to set foot back on the ranch last night. i understood for the first time this place as a haven outside which is a grouchy, greedy, gruesome industrial culture. i was almost intimidated out of it, and since i don't have to face it immediately, as opposed to Sam and Daniil, i was aching with compassion for them all those days. i hope to remain in the aviation education or science facet of this industry. Someplace comfortable, clean and courteous. One of Dwayne's comments to us on Tuesday was that "Jonathan is a romantic...he sees beauty...getting him into the bush missionary lifestyle will take a miracle." My melancholic personality may not be appropriate for that work. on the other hand, there remain some positives.
So the 152 has an IFR package now: two comm radios, an ILS-capable navigation system, marker beacons, an audio panel and an internal intercom.
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Talked to Daisy for 30 minutes late tonight; she is anticipating her roommate and i to have dinner together on Sunday. shane has a job in Glennallen and will have an apartment of his own tomorrow.
Elmo, Daisy got your voicemail. i don't know if she called you back yet, but you'll do well to keep trying.

Some randomness

I asked Dwayne about why Alaska time is just so great. He told me of the obvious: pilots and pilot-employers long to fly in Alaska; and employers in Alaska like you to have Alaska flying experience. I asked him in a roundabout way for a scientific explanation for the value of Alaska time. Some pragmatic, objective reasons. Like, what if i meet an experienced pilot who's never been to Alaska and cannot appreciate twopence what flying here is like. What answers do I give him to persuade him that flight experience in Alaska, though expressed merely in time, is superior to that of the lower 48? I hope to not meet him before I am prepared with my list of "why here is the best flying experience." For now, i'm conceded to believe that pilots in general bear an innate nostalgia of flying in Alaska, so whether they have themselves flown here or not, they recognize that flying here is special. But i'll still be working on my list.
I did turn on word verification for my comments, finally. Elmo, i think that the bots hit blog entries of a certain length because I normally get the automated comments for my long ones.
Michael, i am amazed at your news about Misty. I'm so proud of you for your possibly being on the threshold of the life you've been waiting for, with the girl you've been waiting for. I know that you're ready for it. Just stick to being your honest and calm self, and tell her your heart when you feel you need to. You sound--uplifted in the letter you wrote. Whether the credit goes to your disciplined writing or to the girl, i don't know. If she's the right one for you, you'll find more and more of God being revealed to you through her. But be careful, lest you esteem the seeing-glass greater than the Light that shines through it.

Finishing touches and high hopes

Dwayne and I finished Scribby's skis today. From one angle, the workmanship and paint job appear perfect. For that i am proud. From the opposite angle and close up, one can tell of learning done. Dwayne says that Larry will be glad that someone learned while doing the project. Larry is a teacher himself. He'd be pleased also in the fact that Dwayne and I invented laudable methods along the way.
Dwayne told us today of his interest in going to Bettles after Fairbanks on Tuesday. Bettles is a place where Dwayne and David Ketscher used to live, and it's also the most northerly destination i'd be to. It's just north of the Arctic Circle. I am praying that he'll follow through with his hopes to take us there. It would mean a fabulous flying experience and more flight time for us pilots.
The daylight is definitely waning down. By 8:30 it is "dark" and by 9 'black'. i remember when, at 10:30 at night, a student and i were just headed out on a reutein flight lesson 'while it was still bright'. Times are changing.
I commented to Shane that, if he got a job in Glennallen, he might at least be living with his sister, who can be a good example to him. Shane commented back that we are already too good of examples to him. Then i asked him if his cussing so much brings gratification to him. He replied that it does not; if it did, he says he'd be saying those words 'all the time in every &*%$ sentence', which he already practically does.
Katrina and Briana left today for Georgia. I am at ease because i took care of the electric piano when I did. I wish i see them again before i leave.
I want to put together a top-ten list of why flying in Alaska is more special than flying in the Outside. What makes it so genuinely valuable?
-A 2,000 runway is too long for a respectable Alaska-disciplined pilot to need all of.
-Trees are really formidable obstacles.
-Where am i supposed to land this thing if its engine dies?
-For rudder and steep turn practice, I fly low on the Matanuska river back home
-We know our Flight Service Station people by name
-The FAA redefined 'sunset', allows flying over gross, and wrote a regulation on Anchorage airspace-all just for Alaska.
-Downsloping, curving, short, narrow, gravelly, grassy and wet: i've landed safely on that runway.
-Your life depends on your learning to leave the door of escape back to safety open.
-You've always got a second chance to push your potential, but not always a second chance to push your luck.

just a few that came to mind during some brainstorming.
Elmo, i'm on the same wavelength as you; i did not use the right words to describe what i'm getting at with the relationship between trust and intimidation. The more correct word is transcends: Trust transcends intimidation.

The picture was taken on Kostya's last weekend with us. We are standing on the bank of King's River.

Fairbanks, Grace, Scribby's Skis

For the past three weeks, a pair of Piper SuperCub skis have lain in Dwayne's garage, suggestively abandoned by those expected to work on them. They were a project imparted us by Larry Scribner, the guy whose aforementioned Piper SuperCub Dwayne sold at the pancake breakfast in May. The project was to rivet a 3/16" Teflon lining on the bottom of the skis so that surface tension between ice and aluminum wouldn't exist. Upon Dwayne's first look, he (and we all) saw that the rivets Larry provided us was what we would use to attach the Teflon. The first thoughts about the riveting was that it would be difficult to accomplish neatly. Drill the holes, countersink the Teflon on the underside, bang in the rivets. Great plan, so it sounds. But getting those 3/16" rivets in position perfectly would require more than novice skill. And to repeat the luck-or-whatever-it-took 280 times would be tiring and time consuming. I was not looking forward to the day when I had to get this done. I soon donned upon this dreaded project the affectionate name "Scribby's Skis," and each time I passed them, I had a new gripe about them. "Why do I have to do Scribby's skis, I'm gonna mess up Scribby's skis, Why, Why? Oh yes, we're getting paid for them, great, money! K, can we just get done with Scribby's skis, Dwayne, please?"
Dwayne wrote a deadline on them this week: September 19, Monday. So I was due to face the dreaded Scribby's skis. Very soon.
God worked in our affairs this week in a very cool way. As I side comment, i just want to point out how on many days, God seems to write our schedules for us. I reflect on hours past in the day and see how opportunities that came my way belonged in that moment and the rest of the day wouldn't have worked if they arrived any other hour. People coming, going, me walking someplace, all occuring in timing that is so perfect to be divine. So this particular week, Shane and I were both of one mind about getting the garage sorted and cleaned, then Daniil sorted hardware, then we were not ready to fly to Fairbanks, so we stayed home today. Then, this morning, three great things happened: a curiosity, a keyboard, and Katrina King.
When I got up this morning, I knew full well that i had to get my hands to work on Scribby's skis. But another method-one i can really beleive in - had to exist; it was a nagging curiosity. And while I was praying, a picture came into my mind of nuts and bolts substituted in the holes where all the rivets would be. I was immediately sold to that idea.
I cleaned the kitchen, then wrote down a list of things I need to do before leaving on the 29th. One of the items was "return electric piano to Katrina." This electric piano was the one I let lie in the "shack" for the last two months, never used, and about which Katrina asked me yesterday if it was working ok for me. And guess what i told her? Yep; "Yes." The guilt pricked me like a needle. Now I had to try it, then return it. I had to know if it even worked. What if it didn't? I'd be in deep. ///So I plugged it in and tried it. Lights but no sound. I tried every key, every button. Nothing. Now the guilt drove in deeper, and i knew i could not go on living today with that on my conscience. /// I carried the keyboard, a prayer and a rehearsed message to Katrina's door. Long conversation short, she appreciated my confessions and apologies, and we talked for an hour about Christian life, business and relationships with others and with God. I wish i could work around her too on a daily basis because she is filled richly with spiritual insights. With her testimonies, she challenged me to seek total purity in my relationship with God and other people; give God the firstfruits of everything (or he'll take them himself); and to take the solitude of being in Alaska to gain a more clear perspective, undiluted by the busy culture in the Lower 48. I talked to her also about my ideas surrounding the Scribby's skis project. This branched the discussion in two directions. The first was about our decision making and that my choices can affect each other, so i need to be sure that God is guiding me through each big one, especially the ones that directly touch people surrounding me. Herein lies the lesson I wish Shane would learn while he is here. The second branch was about the words we speak. Words can tear a heart, taint morale, and treat to a helping of grace, and many times we need pray for God to set a watch over our tongue and just think about words that ought to be said, not just feel to be said. This connected to the rivets vs. screws in the skis project in that I need to share my ideas with Dwayne after having counted the cost of this other method, as opposed to petitioning for an opinion of mine that I merely "think" we need to use.
I left her house refreshed, encouraged and relieved of my guilt.

I attacked my next duty of finding the price of the new screws and nuts that we'd need for the project. Pam at Glacier Air Parts told me that everything would cost just over fifty dollars. I went to Dwayne and asked how much Larry is paying us for the job. He quoted me $60 a man-hour. Then I told him my plan. Another long story short, we pressed on with just getting the job started and right away it went like clockwork. Dwayne and I were the perfect team, both anticipating the other and volunteering ideas and incorporating them to make the system faster. Following a little experimentation , he ascertained that "we are going to use all screws."
We made tremendous overall progress on the pair of skis, and I have felt more excited by this project than any other on the ranch.
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In other big news, I talked to Daisy for 1-1/2 hours tonight. With few others can i talk for so long and so freely. I guess that when one doesn't talk to a friend like her for a whole-ah-four days, a lot is piled up that needs to be shared. This talk in particular was significant because it affirmed that she is not completely withdrawn from our relationship, as my foolish fears say. Among ten other topics, she brought up the time when I wrote "are we ok?" in my email (see blog from 2 Fridays ago), and I confessed to her that I used it as a device to get her to write back. She said that it was ok and that she would have done that too. Boy was I surprised, first that she remembered I wrote that, and second, that she saw my stratagem and forgave me for it! I proposed that we talk or write at least once a week, and doing so seemed important to her, too. I appreciate that.
We mentioned you too, Elmo, and that $5 bill you have. Would you mail it back soon?
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At this point, I have 135 Alaska flight hours. That means only 15 hours between me and 150. This is a possible achievement: Fairbanks trip is about 5 hours flight time, continued flying with Daniil (more on that later) another 5 perhaps, and a trip with Sam to Port Alsworth would be around 8 hours. I pray that God will provide just that little bit. It would sure be a complement to my career by which I need to be making gobs of money right now. God has already provided exceedingly above what I asked for this summer-nearly fourfold! He can bring 15 hours of blessings in the form of flight hours if He wants to, so I'm going to walk forward and trust that ground to support these ambitions will be present under me.
---
My CFI student told me yesterday that he knew $1,000 wouldn't be sufficient for his training and that he's almost out of that by now, so he won't be able to pay me for my time. Sorry, Mom, I know this is disturbing. I really am in the boat of my close company who all say we don't know how we're going to pay for loans and life. However, i am reminded of 2 Corinthians 9:8.
---
Time for a poll and something to think about. When you consider your relationship with God, do you see yourself wanting to live a life of pleasure to Him, or do you see yourself living a life of service to Him? Are they or are they not mutually occurring, and which is more important to you?
---
Another something to think about. Is trust the opposite of intimidation?
---
How, in a country whose motto is "In God We Trust", do we have judicial leaders (e.g. California) whose ambition is to expel God from it?

A-mazing

By midnight, Sam and i got to Hal's to pick up the LFR fuel truck Sam left there this afternoon. After dumping a few gallons of gas in the red Ford dualie that we drove there, I looked up at the sky. And I saw them-the Northern lights. This was a real display that spanned a good fragment of the blackness above. They were white but radiant, the dazzling, dancing spectacle that I wanted so much to see before I had to leave. I was reminded too of the first time i saw them in reality. It was when Daisy [sorry, here I go again] and i were walking the runway at 1:30 at night after i had just told her that i like her and am helplessly infatuated by her. That was over a month ago, and I had not seen them since then, until tonight. It was very unusual for Daisy and I to have seen them so early in the year, but now i speculate of whether it were a miracle of creation God showed us that night to reveal a message.
The loneliness, I am glad but careful (lest I be tempted during my lowered defenses) to report, is subsiding. I appreciate what Angela took time to write to me today. "This is a season that God is allowing you to experience. Keep looking to Him for your primary comfort." Out of her kindness, she said that she were here with me. I would be happier if she were, but as she said, I need to go through this season. I'm reminiscing now about the last day I saw her. We had a terrific ride into Lake Hood, and at the airport she walked beside and hooked my arm with hers and said, "you will escort me to the gate." After a few final and heartfelt words, we parted ways. I watched her until she disappeared down the hallway. What a precious memory that is.
Anyway...
The skies dropped rain on us for most of the day. And guess who was not here.
okay, i'll quit that now. Goodnight.

Snap

Yay! an actual comment -two, actually - on my blog entry. I am ecstatic. Thanks, Elmo. Sometimes i think i am alone in my little sphere of virtual journaling. I share my thoughts with the world, when i could be writing them on paper in my floppy Mead composition book. I just wish that i could tear into my friends' journals and see and respond to what they wrote. Don't you have that same urge? Is anybody out there besides the annoying bot-commentators? Leave comments! Please!
(Meanwhile, Radar himself needs to actually leave comments of his own on Elmo's entries. Will do.)

I rode up the hill to the lookout and beyond this afternoon. I had a little nap and a good 45 minutes of isolation. Prayers came to mind as i asked for them. Do you ever have voids of thoughts? I do very often, especially when i'm alone. Today i invited God to cause me to think and pray, because He can do cool stuff like that. I thought about my future, a job, human needs, Daisy, Shane, flying, if LeTourneau CFIs would be willing to land a Skyhawk at the ranch below. Here's one line of thought. Ya know, i cannot live so long with this ebb and flow of emotion involving Daisy. I've settled that it's okay to feel the need for companionship that Daisy filled for a time. A temptation (so i suppose it is) to regard this as sin because "God is my portion" comes to me, and I have beleived it. But i see something else; that is, my human 'program' that God has instilled in each one of us registers yearnings unique to the physical. One of those yearnings is for a special relationship. God will deposit that relationship in my life at the time of His choosing because He knows i need it as part of my human experience. Most-maybe all- of our experiences as humans is a microcosm - a model - of a spiritual reality, and I see several of these models in the marriage relationship. Divorce and fornication are prohibited by God because, the way I see it, what those represent would never happen in God's holy realm. "Thy will be done as it is in Heaven."
My prayer is that, for the time being, God will take away the very present need for a special companion. The loneliness is tearing me apart, and i need to get my focus back. I know that the capacity for feeling so deeply for another person is in me. But it needs to lay silent for a little so i can put my mind and heart to the work God has set in front of me.
You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You.
------
The ride down the hill was a blast. I'd say it was the most thrilling two minutes i've had on my bike.
Daisy, Heather and Shane got back from Wal-Mart about the same time i got back on the ranch from my ride. We unpacked the groceries from her car, then i went back out to thank Daisy one last time for the food and the money she gave me at church. She asked, "May i give you a hug?" [why i prefer to quote her everywhere instead of state the content of her words is because her words best bring back the moment] much to my surprise. In that way, i think she wanted to thank me for and support me in my helping her brother. Whatever it was, I'm thankful that she asked for it as opposed to me. I've decided that the season for seriously de-Daisying my heart is at hand, so i need to do discipline my behavior to that end. No seeking physical touch to any extent because it is my predominating love language; no listening to music during times of missing her that I would associate with her; no more writing poetry about her; vent what i am going through so it doesn't become an emotional bruise; find a new hope and build from this point.
I recognized stages of growth that i've been through the last six years as i was with Brianna. I was once where she is-secure at home with the blanket of family love to shelter from loneliness; looking at the other sex for their 'going-out' possiblity; seeking an occupation; an immature understanding of one's religion. More specifically, in terms of making a new relationship, the mindset of a teenager is that of the temporal. Marriage is a consideration but still a dreamland at best. But when grown up, when her eyes numb you to the world's pressures, when her presence beautifies the land and magnifies the stars, when she fills in unknown gaps in your being, when she is the spark in your mind and the hop in your step, when she's the only one that matters, when she is the epitome of things lovely, when her leaving brings pain, when being always with her looks worth the many sacrifices--a grown-up capacity for love has emerged from the embryonic infatuations of childhood. Marriage is the serious question of a grown-up. Wow, i may be thinking to hard about this. It's getting late.
Daisy wore a previously-unseen-by-me business-like outfit today. She looked professional, in charge, like the type who are at the top of their game in life. The outfit exerted an air that, in fact, intimidated me. I had to let her talk a little first just to make sure that this is the same Daisy i know. In reflection, that was a good lesson to not tell a person by the clothes he/she is wearing. What matters most is the person on the inside.
--
in summary: church, Daisy's check, hang out with Brianna, ride up to the lookout, get food, Daisy's hug, go to King mountain lodge with Brianna and Shane, stay up late another night incoherently writing what came to mind during the day.

Disappearing

"Other than my dealing with the fits of loneliness, things are going alright. This has turned into a different place since you guys have left. But it's going to be okay. Change and adapt-change and adapt. That's an endlessly occuring theme of life." That's what i told Daisy 30 minutes ago. With her simple question and attentive eyes, Daisy has me always persuaded that she cares to know how I am and that i am doing well. She asks the question-"So, how are you doing?"-and my melancholy temperament crumbles apart. A place inside my heart that is lonely and needy becomes a cage on occasion, but at her entrance the the walls burst because the place she fills was too small to contain her.
She leaves, and the walls are restored. Again a home to loneliness.
The place is disappearing. Change and adapt.
--
Today the skies are letting all the sun's light in. No more cold, rain, wind or clouds. The one off whom the beauty reflects was here. All thoughts are adjectives.

sigh**
Why can't i just snap out of this?
D appears, and i am immediately cleaning, writing, working, thinking, feeling.
Hopeless romantic.
"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, for he trusteth in Thee." - Isaiah 26:3

--Giovanni

Rain

The skies poured down rain all day.
Jared is gone.
Danae and Sam made dinner. Danae baked cookies. She and i cleaned up afterwards.
Series of Unfortunate Events movie.

Dwayne quote

"The fear of the Lord is a loving reverence of God and a desire to submit to his lordship and his holy Word."
7-10-05

A plan, a voice, a name

A few random thoughts from today:

Father Barry was talking about Colossians 3:23 (Whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord) this morning, and i started on a trail of thought whose end was really meaningful to me today. That is, God doesn't care what we choose for a career. I as a high schooler and early college guy didn't realize that, and i fretted for hours and days over the question of what God wants me to do. Biblically, when we decide out of fear of God, what we do for a job does not matter. When we consider this as immature young people in high school, we have this concept that God is going to tell us by some sign in the skies what He demands we do. We fear that, if we make the wrong decision, God's going to punish us, and we'll live forever in dire need to change to something else.
I've come to the conclusion that Colossians 3:23 does tell us about career selection. Follow this logic with me: The last phrase in that verse states, "as unto the Lord." The preceding phrase is "Do it heartily." So, we're supposed to accomplish something well enough that can be counted worthy of God's approval, and doing so well should be through a heart drive. Finally, that thing we do can be a "whatever." If you don't have that heart drive for whatever you're doing, then you won't do it well, and God won't be pleased with that. Instead of praying that God shows us what job to go to, I think that the more noble prayer is that God will identify our passions and gifts, and then we need to find a job that will quench the passions and use the gifts. Pray for opportunity to develop and exploit the abilities and to bless God's kingdom with them.
In the process, we will discover God's plan unfolding day by day. God planned to make us each the way we are, and the only dispute, as far as career choosing goes, should be how much effort we put forth in getting better at what we love to do.
---
A byproduct of liking Daisy for so long is that I still hear in my mind my favorite Alaska things...in Daisy's voice. "Glennallen", "Four-eight-eight-echo", "Valdez", "fireweed", "go snowmachining", "Anthony", "fishwheel" and "clinic" are words i hear inside as if Daisy were speaking to me.
--
A girl's name has come to mind three times today. It is sweet to me. Yet I know no girl by the name. Maybe I will in due time.
That name:
Claire

Fright instructor

This is a reflection on my current experience as a flight instructor. As some of you know, I'm instructing an initial CFI applicant and trying to get him ready for his checkride before my time here is up. I thought before that I was too immature as a CFI to take on this task, but the help God sent my way through Stefanie Gates and J.C. Harder is uplifting my eyes to see that God is helping me. And with Him everything is possible. Moreover, as i have given my CFI student ground lessons and critiques on his own ground lessons, stuff comes into my head and words come out my mouth that i never conceived before. God is making all grace abound to me so I can be sufficient in this (2 Corinthians 9:8), so I am thankful to Him for that today.
I am also thankful that He is keeping me alive! I discovered more vividly today that my student is not so keen as to the location and/or importance of the airplane relative to the centerline (The centerline is the place where, if you stay over it at all times, you're guaranteed to not hit anything along the runway edges). We flew during this screwy-wind day, and I found I should not have let him takeoff or land by himself, especially since he has just a couple landings and takeoffs from here under his belt. On both takeoff and landing, we were flirting with probably a 10-foot displacement from runway centerline. And he didn't think a thing of it! Understanding the geography of our strip, one knows that such a diversion from the ideal can quickly turn fatal if one is not active to correct it. I am aware that the right seat is new to this guy, but if I can't instill the value of sticking the airplane over the middle of the runway, then i'm letting him be a dangerous pilot and CFI. I've was a little frightened today, something i've not had to feel in awhile. I usually see and avoid the danger before it gets close enough to frighten me. But today I was instructed that i can be frightened. A goal of mine, therefore, is to turn my little fright instructor into a flight instructor.

---
On a side note, i won't claim personal infallibility as either a pilot or flight instructor. I am still clumsy with airplanes. When back-taxiing on Hal's strip on Sunday, I strafed a branch with the right wing because I wasn't paying enough attention. Then on Monday, while my CFI student was taxiing down the Gakona strip, we strafed an even larger branch because we both were not paying attention. The first worst part of that is it could have been a tree stump. The second worst part of it was that Dwayne saw it happen! He did the hands-on-the-head and was gasping in horror like he does when something terrible happens. I was very penitent that I allowed us to hit a branch with the airplane. Nothing was damaged; it left just a small streak of discoloration on the leading edge.
More confessions: i forgot to close my flight plan that day. i forgot to close my flight plan the next day. I didn't put the fuel cap back on the left tank after I refueled it and did a speedy preflight that didn't include checking the fuel caps. My CFI student found out about the missing fuel cap during his preflight today and told me about it. Then I remembered.
In the future, i will wear something around my finger or wrist to remind me to close my flight plan. I will take a step back in preflight and look at the airplane as whole.
--

Know him

I'm unfolding my blanket over my bed at the ranch now, and I am reminded that the last time I did so, it was on Anthony's spare air mattress in his house. I am struck now with an allegory that, as I unfolded my bedding last night, so had a life - Anthony - unfolded before me that day. When he came to Jon King's garage in Gakona yesterday to help build, the sentiment I felt was that of having a good friend return. Anthony stayed for dinner at Jon's then took Shane and me to Daisy's house because Shane needed to talk to "Sissie." I jumped on the chance to clean Daisy's sinkful of dirty dishes, and as I was there, Anthony set some just-bought baking pans next to the sink and said "since you're in the mood..." My leap reaction was that eh mocked my easy servitude to clean, but on second thought, that's what I would have chosen to say myself if I saw that the pans needed cleaning. Then he offered a few minutes later to finish the dishes so I could watch the movie that was playing. We drove to his house where I was to stay. As I said, it was impressive work. He gave me a pillow, his air mattress, a towel and washcloth and rode me around in his Kawasaki 4-wheeler to demonstrate how to use it. He showed me pictures of his and Daisy's Valdez trip and of last winter's snowmachine outing. I got to keep one of those as a memoir. We talked about Shane a decent amount, and I feel his opinions and advice to Daisy are good. I wrote last night's entry before going to bed. This may have been my last encounter with Anthony, and if it was, I will count me satisfied. I was blessed through knowing him better, and to this day I would only add to what I wrote last night about him and Daisy.

---
Home. Glennallen. I've spent not even 30 hours there, but I associate Glennallen with "home." It reminds me of how I hope to live soon - near people I love and in a beautiful and pleasant and wild environment that packs potential for fun and adventure, and in a home that is cozy, orderly and inviting to guests and to my Lord.

Resolution

I've appreciated how Anthony's qualities have unfolded before my eyes. How could Daisy have been missing this-him-for so long? How did she not leap at the chance to be Anthony's sweetheart much earlier? I know how that he and Daisy both have walked uprightly and diligently since childhood, for one sees clearly the peaceable fruit of their righteous lives and that God's blessings are flowing to them abundantly. It is now that they are charmed by each other, and it is beautiful to me. Theirs is a love story written by God! I want them to be together. One regret I have now is that of starting a wonderful book at the bookstore and not having opportunity to read the rest of it. I wish I could, as it were, read the upcoming chapters of this one romance.
I sleep at Anthony's house tonight. He and his brother-in-law built this by themselves, and it is impressive. He treats me well, as a prized guest. His thoughts I wish I could hear, for me, his former competition is his guest now, and I would understand if the kindness were forced. But that must not be the case, for I cannot detect anything from his behavior that suggests that he holds that against me. In fact, I feel sincerely liked by him. He still talks about how much he enjoyed our flight yesterday. He was all smiles on Sunday when telling Daisy of his experience.
In his bathroom, he has a neat book entitled "God Said It; Don't Sweat It." The chapter "Live clean, innocent lives" spoke to me directly concerning my "mind games" and situation-manipulation (e.g., 9-2 entry) and resistance to just play life as it comes. On his sink was a fancy framed rendition of the Psalm 118 verse, "This is the day that the Lord has made: I will be glad and rejoice in it." Then my eyes fell on a folded letter with Daisy's handwriting on it. I succumbed to the impulse to take just a peek of it. I lifted up on the inner fold and saw "I'm writing this letter to tell you that I am thinking about you."
They're hooked. They're great for each other. And I'm happy about it. By God's grace I have arrived that this resolution tonight.
--
I have a new word to describe Alaska: Wonderland. The Wrangells - Mount Sanford, Mount Drum, Mount Wrangell - reach high in the drifting clouds, while the green flatland all around them is, it seems, bowed low in reverence of their splendor.
Alaska is adventure, romance, beauty. A place my heart is affected to call home.
Alaska is a wonderland. I am spoiled, and I'm loving it.
Thank You, Lord, that through your love for me you have brought me all this.

The Letter

I bet you all were just itching to know what was in that letter i wrote to Daisy, werntcha? Before that, though, a few replies to my favorite commentator:
The quote was in French. A genius mathemetician, d'Alembert, said it.
Right, we do 'vent' nowadays to prevent a further knawing of an unpleasant feeling.
To an extent, i feel as if i mildly slandered Daisy in "Flight Instructor, Mother, Punching Bag." No matter what i did by my words, i know that i was not being constructive. So I regret my not acting out of love during that particular 'venting' moment.

Daisy,
I know that nothing Anthony or Dwayne or I can say will speak the words you need to hear most right now. We can all try out best to "speak a word in season to him that is weary" (Isaiah 50:4). For the real sufficiency of grace to meet you, well will ask God through prayer and trust Him to touch and minister to your heart. Daisy, you are a precious woman. God finds a place to shine his light through you. Few compare to your thoughtfulness, kindness, generosity and, as evident tonight, your compassion. I have not seen such emotional agony for the sake of another person as you bear today. You care SO much. I would be privileged to have you for a second sister. But I'm so glad just that you're my friend. Psalm 34:18 reads, "The Lord is near to them that have a broken heart, and saveth such as are of a contrite spirit." I claim before God that verse for you tonight, and pray that He will just surround you and comfort you like a warm blanket. Your being here helps us to deal with this, too. We guys couldnt' have poured the necessary sympathy in response to this misfortune. It could have happened another day. Without you here. We needed you. He needed you. What an abundant mercy is your presence today.
Anthony is a wonderful guy. I like him alot. He will be able to support you through this; his is a strong shoulder to cry on and a tender heart from which to speak encouraging words. Peace be with you, and God's blessings be on you.

What a Days

I'm going to have a difficult time giving a well-done account of this weekend. What i know about times like this is that i need to write what comes first to mind. An author of a splendid book wrote that we need to write the best of what comes to mind right now and to not 'save' it for later. Unlike tangible things, the best thoughts often die in the process of holding them back.
What i'd like to point out first is my amazement, my bedazzlement at the way God works things out. My heart rests tonight in the confidence that Anthony is really a great guy, and he's a great guy for Daisy. She is, I do affirm, in good hands. I hung out with them both on Friday, Saturday and today (Sunday) and had a blast. We went to the Alaska state fair on Saturday and did everything together-shop, eat, watch shows, walk and talk to people. And the behavior between them has turned...affectionate. Daisy made ham and onion omelettes and toast for everyone for Saturday's breakfast, and since Anthony and i were the last to rise, we were the last to eat. So i got to eat breakfast with A and D, and i was encouraged with both the little details of that arragement. One, Daisy waited to eat her own food until Anthony came to eat his, and two, i tilted back in my chair and saw that Daisy had her feet resting on Anthony's. Then to and at the fair, they were holding hands and hugging and touching at almost every moment. Anthony and I had private conversation for an hour that day. Then this morning, I took him flying to the Knik gorge and to Hal's strip; Hal then drove us to church. I flew my 400th flight hour with Anthony, and I am honored to have achieved that landmark with him. Yes, i think Anthony and Daisy are in each other's capable hands. I'm much more at peace about them as girlfriend and boyfriend now than i had afore imagined i would be. I told Daisy tonight that i wish i would have gotten to know Anthony better a lot sooner this summer. And you know what? She said that she wished the same for herself. Elmo, that's our confirmation that we made a difference in Daisy's life this summer. We were the catalysts for change. Glory to God! She told me as she left tonight that she wants to tell me more about that. I'll need to remind her of her intentions.
At the fair, I bought some cold-weather clothing (ski hat and gloves), postcards, a very special hoodie for my sister, and found lots of NOAA (Nat'l Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) pamphlets and info. I saw a 942-pound pumpkin, an 642-pound cabbage, a pea pod weighing 0.1 pound, a 569-pound squash, a 200-pound watermelon and lots of other overgrown veggies. A few flowers that were especially pretty were the Dahlia, Digitalis and Deliphilia. Daisy told me some about her 4H experience, the livestock her parents own, and other fairs she had been to. I talked to other cool people, like the snowmachine dealer who sells 400 snowmachines from just the Anchorage store, and Cal and Lynn who took and sold pictures for Eagle Eye Helicopter photography. Go check them out at www.eagleheli.com and see pictures of my stomping grounds. A and D and I watched the lumberjack show, a motorcyle show, a pig auction and so many little things. I'm so thankful for this time with Anthony and Daisy. God knows that I needed it! My conversations with Anthony opened up my eyes to his gifts of discernment, considerateness, spiritual strength and integrity. I wrote this poem Saturday night--
Daisy is hitched, and her man is wise.
This setup I was wrong to despise.
I know I couldn't have taken her for myself
So I'm putting that thought back on the shelf.
They're good, they're great together.
Now they hold and hug and touch each other.
As for me, i know it's just a matter of time
Before the next enchantment so sublime.
Soon it will be the real thing and all will rhyme.

Before leaving Hal's to fly back to the ranch, i spent quiet time with God (Psalm 46:10), during which he identified to me this feeling inside that swells when Daisy leaves: Loneliness. You think that since other people are around me all the time, loneliness wouldn't set in. But no; a person needs a unique sort of other person to fill that need for companionship. Daisy was in many ways precisely that, and that's why i miss her so much. God will Himself be sufficient for my needs, and soon the time will be right to quench, in accordance with His design, that craving for the companionship of a daughter of Eve who's perfect for me.
----
Then something else came of this weekend. That's Shane. Long story short, he was driving into Palmer yesterday afternoon and looked away while driving and rearended somebody. The investigating police found his invalid license, lack of insurance and an empty bottle of alcohol and ticketed him for all of it. Then his car was towed to be impounded. He walked down to fair and found us, and yesterday and today has been spent trying to deal with this new flux in his life. We watched two movies together tonight: Waterworld and Les Miserables. They were his choices, and their themes spoke well to Shane's situation. Waterworld is about having faith in great things that no one alive has seen, and Les Miserables is about helping others who cannot help themselves. There's a great spiritual battle in his mind right now. On the one hand is real humility that admits he's fallen short and needs help from people, especially his sister whom he is tempted constantly to despise. On the other hand is stubbornness to abide in his own ways by which he's been living and failing for 18 years. The latter is comfortable to him, which is what the enemy often exploits to our demise. Pride, hate and fear is comfortable to a fallen heart. The consequences of all is where we lose. "Sin always steals" says the song So Blue by Downhere.
Pride is prevailing, I am thankful to say. He sat with Daisy alone and had a talk with her, i beleive to ask for help. You see, usually he is being offered help by Daisy, but rarely to never does he ask for help from her. But he did it tonight. God, cause Your love to come and permeate Shane during these trying days.
As you can imagine, poor Daisy was in agony over her brother last night. She cried harder than i had seen her before, and Anthony knew well enough to let her alone with her tears, (you all know me; i woulda been squeezing her and rocking with her on a secluded park bench and holding her head on my shoulder as she cried out her distress) so he didn't try to offer much soothe at first. Coming back to the ranch, we stopped on the side of the highway becuase she felt she needed to throw up and relax a little. I felt some words of encouragent coming to me when i got back in my room, so i took my Alaska paper pad outside and wrote a letter to her.
--
The ranch gang and Hal, exept for A and D, went to Long Rifle lounge for lunch. Hal payed my way.
--
I love being by myself in the cabin. It's real seclusion and quietness. I have my computer on my lap as i type, nice music in the background and my new hat on to keep me warm. The strains of loneliness are pleasantly diminished in moments like this.
--
Daisy's fishwheel caught 117 fish on Thursday. That's the picture.
--
Good night and God bless

Child

I almost deleted half of last night's entry, but instead of that - for this is my journal, and i don't tear pages out of my journals - i will write about the dis-ease i've experienced as i reflected on it today. It just seemed childish, my attitude of complaining and clawing for attention that got expressed last night. Was it really constructive to anybody? Even me? I say that it was not. Things come our way that are downright concerning, but in no event is it cause for real complaining if seen from the right perspective. One must first realize that he is complaining - "do all things without murmurings and disputings that you may be blameless and harmless" - then the reason to not complain will come next. Allez en avant, et la foi vous viendra: ''Go, and proceed, and faith will catch up with you."
While i was getting some belongings of Daisy's all together today, I was cued in to my pithy concerns of the present state of our friendship. I not should take the whole present situation personally, for my worth does not hinge on the quality of our relationship. But what i should take personally is the past generosities and be moreover happy with that. I was challenged in my reading from 1 Corinthians 13 this morning. Paul talks about his once speaking, understanding and thinking like a child. Clawing for attention from people is childish. Complaining is childish. The time is right to live charitably and not childishly. Construct. Edify. Endure. Aspire for the best to come to others.
--
Today is one of the most gorgeous days yet in Alaska to my memory. The clouds dropped snow on all the mountains reaching higher than 4,500'- that includes just about all of them that one can sight from the ranch. In Alaska (i don't know about other mountainous areas), this is called 'dusting', and it awestrikingly enhances the beauty of the mountains. I got to go flying with Daniil around the valley this morning, and it was wonderful! I saw trees beneath me that are turning on their autumn colors, the air was crisp and cool, and the sky was and is still clear.
After an entire week of gloom, we get this weather. I know it's just coincidence, but one still has to wonder why whenever Daisy comes, the weather smiles on us. She always did brighten more than just my spirit.

Flight instructor, Mother, Punching bag

I thought for a minute that I was off the hook from giving my CFI-in-training a gentle verbal slap on the hand and tell him to get his act together and study. Turns out, I was wrong.
This morning, i very kindly escorted him to several eons' worth of study assignments-more importantly, homework for tomorrow morning. Then, this evening, I made dinner while he sat with my computer browsing the internet for pictures of airplanes. As i ate my food, he was still there. As i took a 30-minute nap, he was still there. As i read in my room for 45 minutes, he was still there. I washed the dishes, got ready for bed, bundled up the trash. He was still there. All the while, i was simmering inside with words like "I am not your mother to be constantly and bonevolently nudging you to study" and, "I studied harder than you are now every day for eight months before i got my CFI" and "i'm sorry to see you're not prepared this morning; guess i get to do something else fun for which I am prepared" and "well, i'm not going to lose my flight time just because you're not ready to teach me" and on and on. As i walked with the trash bag over to the door, I saw him stand up! Finally, after three hours (!!!) of looking at airplanes online, was he going to study and prepare for tomorrow? Now i don't have to let loose the words that had been building up with a passion, right? Wrong. He got up to get a drink and then go at it again.
How would that make you feel? After hours of guiding a student to know what he needs to know and do, then seeing him/her spend ceaseless wasted hours is disheartening. It makes understandable how some parents of the animal kingdom cat eat their young. In the end, I read to him from a flight instructor article that "a flight instructor can only show students the way to learning; it's the student's responsibility to know what he needs to know and to make sure he gets it", and then I shared the whammo "i studied harder than you..." thought. He was out the door in two minutes with his books.
I wish i would have been the scrupulous and worrisome mother-figure when it came to a couple of my students' being ready for the checkride. I wish i would have drilled with questions and queried for explanations so i found the real holes that were in their knowledge. As a teacher, i found that i have overestimated what my students know and can do just because of the way they are. "If they're uncertain about a subject or concept, they'll open up and tell me," I reasoned. No more of that, now. I have to be pragmatic and real. Michael Buckland told me that I know probably 100 times more about aviation than my students. But I don't know even 10% of what my students don't know if i take their knowledge just by faith. I need to test harder and more thoroughly, and i need to make sure the studying is getting done. To what extent, however, do i point the finger like that mother-figure and say "now you go do your homework, Jonny!" I admit, I was at my patience's end this evening with my present student. I'll keep doing the best i know how. I will rest my own success on my own effort. As my dear friend Angela said (in essence), "Your success or failure does not depend on your students succeeding or failing. You fail only if you fail your students by not giving them your best."
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Speaking of Mother, mine called today to check on me as she does faithfully. She's getting quite anxious for my coming home. She reminded me of that fact, and as a consequently she started the countdown to home-going day. I saw the calendar on my phone screen and saw, four rows down from today, the 29th of September. Departure date. As Mom said, I do have mixed feelings surrounding the idea of leaving. On the one hand, this isn't the same King Ranch that it was three weeks ago when Randy, Angela, Daisy, Philip, Joel, Dan, Brian, Philip and the others were here. Elmo, you're right on; "the people make the place." The feeling without them all here is so different, so melancholy. Granted, doing dishes is a less arduous task, and i get to use the bathroom whenever I will, but I miss the fellowship and the life they brought. With them, I felt my heart, mind and spirit flourish, and not an hour went by lacked adventure or excitement. I miss them.
But a book i bought this summer has encouraged me tonight. Bush Pilots of Alaska, the book i bought a pair of for Daisy and myself, has outstanding stories that inspire and enchant me in almost the same way that Alaska flying itself does. Here's a couple quotes that have brightened my day:
"The man who has flown for hours above the northland and mastered the techniques of doing so will not again be content to be chained in traffic above a maze of roads, telephone poles, cities and towns."
"You know, flying in Alaska is really not such a hazardous business, provided you go about it in a careful, methodical manner. But if you don't, it's extremely hazardous."
"The mountains, the fjords, and tundra, the glaciers and wildlife -- they steal your heart away. No wonder Noel Wien said, "It tugs at you all the time." Once you have flown the Last Frontier, face it; you are spoiled."

I vividly remember flying down on the Matanuska river for the first time in the late 66402 (may she rest in peace). I thought to myself, "I would be happy to go home right now, having had this amazing experience in my life." Over 110 Alaska flight hours and just as many remarkable experiences later, I can say that I am spoiled. At the same time, i am aware of how much more spoiled i can get! I have seen so little of the Great State despite my having seen so much. My looking through books like Bush Pilots of Alaska makes me more aware of where I have not been. I am thrilled to see pictures of Talkeetna, Wasilla, and Lake Hood airports (the busiest seaplane base in the world) and scenery such as Denali, Chugach and Alaska ranges and Cook Inlet and Matanuska river because i've been to and seen all those places. But that's like going to Navy Pier and missing the rest of Chicago. So much to see; so little time and opportunity. I am SO thankful for what i've experienced. I was pleased at first with the least of what Alaska had to offer, and now I have seen some of its finest. Last week I saw for the first time Denali while flying to Anchorage. ["Denali" is what Alaskans call Mt. McKinley; they differ from the Outside also in their definition of "snowmachine"] This all goes to say that I'm rediscovering my first love for being here--beholding from the privileged perspective of an airplane God's magnificience on display.

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I'm beginning to have mixed feelings about Shane, too. Tonight I just wanted to pummel him as he just walked up randomly several times and punched me on the shoulder. In the course of my 30-minute nap, my mind was full of fantasies of how i could most quickly whip him good enough to scare him out of hitting me at random again. However, i feel a higher purpose than to stay unscathed in the course of my relationship with him.
And I'm having new feelings about Daisy. Being away from her has given me distance to think and reset my emotions. I still have connections to the past; to the feelings that bid me cry on four occasions over her being gone, to the poetry, to the brightness and liveliness she ushered in. Distance did make the heart grow fonder for a bit; as I have listened in a favorite Rascal Flatts song, "The next thing ya know, I'm reminiscing, dreaming old dreams, wishing old wishes, like you would be back again." Time and events have turned that around. As you said, Elmo, talking with her is different: You get barely into the double-digits of your discussion time over the phone, then she says an abrupt good-bye and that's all you get. As for me, I sent out three emails to her in the past five days; to the first two she did not respond, but to the third one she did only because I employed a device to manipulate her to do so. You read me right; I manipulated her. I used the statement that kicked off many of our grand conversations: "Are we OK?" (Remember that one, Elmo?) There was no way she could resist for a minute not replying to that question, and I knew it. My idea did work, and she wrote a letter that got barely into the double-digits of typewritten line. She did admit to having 'a million excuses' but that she just didn't reply to the other emails and that she intended on calling me yesterday but that something else came up.
In one of my poems about her, I write, "Why does she have to seem so perfect, so beautiful?" Well, the rose-colored glasses are slipping off, and i'm seeing now someone whose resolve to keep a couple very caring friends is waning by the day. What can I say? I am trying. I pray for her. I write to her more than most of my closer friends; I was desperate to just get a letter from her. I keep my calls to her 3 different numbers to a minimum so to avoid the appearance of stalking.
In the past, I've used the alias "Jode" in place of her real name, Daisy Delay. I'm certain now that she won't be finding my or Elmo's blog. So, no more alias.
She comes tomorrow (Friday) night, and the plan is that she and Anthony will cook a big salmon dinner. Then, as far as i know, on Saturday, Shane and I will go with her and Anthony to the Alaska State Fair. I estimate most of my time will be spent with Shane and getting socked more. That will be ok, i think. At least he gives me attention.
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For my closing thought, I'd like to share an insight that Tim Harbeck told me at 2 AM one morning while he was here. He has had near-death experiences even closer than I have encountered, and he has an admirable appreciation for life. He says that he considers each day therefore as a 'bonus' from God. That came to mind last night as I was praying, and in my spirit i conceptualized everything escaping my possession the minute i fell asleep and returning to me afresh the second I awoke the next day. God's mercies come to us anew every morning, says Lamentations.
So, live this day as if it is a bonus from God to you.